“911, what’s you’re emergency?”
“My sister, I killed her.”
“Ok, she may not be dead, what’s your address?”
“6891, Fredrick avenue. I killed her.”
“We don’t know that for sure. Tell me what happened.”
“I KILLED HER!!!!!”
“ma’am, calm down. The medics are coming. Calm down everything is going to be alright.”
“NO! No. she’s, she’s,”
The phone dropped.
“ma’am? Ma’am?!”
All I heard was the insistent buzzing of the women’s voice.
I heard the doorbell ring, then the sound of the door being knocked down. The men stormed into the kitchen.
“Get her onto the truck!” a man, maybe in his mid-twenties, looked at my sister in concern. Who was this man? He shouldn't be touching my sister.
“Don’t touch her!” I shoved him off her and clung to her. Mary, that’s right. Her name was Mary.
Two other men grabbed me and pulled me off of Mary. I remember fighting them. I was put into a car. Driven to a white building. A hospital, I think. Then a nice lady; she reminded me of my history teacher; lead me to a room with another women in it. She was wearing a lab coat.
“Where’s Mary?” I asked.
“Safe, but in critical condition.” The women answered. She had a brown hair, tightly propped into a bun on her head.
I remember staring at the picture behind her. It was an elephant. It was grazing on some brush.
I finally looked at the women.
“Who are you?”
“I’m doctor Haertland.”
“Why am I here?”
“You claimed to have killed your sister, right?”
“Yes, is she dead?”
“No, but she needs urgent care.”
I noticed this women choose her words very carefully; like she was worried one word could set me off.
“Now, tell me, how this all happened.”
“I stabbed my sister. The end.”
“From the beginning, if you can.”
I sighed inwardly, “It all started this morning…..”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
why haven't you written any more?! You can't just leave us hanging there! i really liked the idea you used and would really like to know the reason why she killed her sister. WRITE MORE PLEASE! thanks
xx
srry, i've been doing other stuff(mostly likely less important than this) but i'll try to post the next ch. srry for the wait!
This was a very interesting read; definitely suspenseful and catching. However, it wasn’t much more than that. There was only dialogue. There were no description, no *content*. It was almost like reading a script. You need to elaborate on a lot of details about this story; not a lot though, just more than what is already there. One minute she’s on the phone with the 911 operator and the next she hears the doorbell ring. I’m pretty sure the police aren’t that fast when responding to calls.
The dialogue itself is ok. It seems unnatural at some points, so I suggest rereading some of it to figure out what needs to change and such.
The ending is nice. Too much dialogue. Add some depth to the conversation; tell me what she’s thinking, how she’s feeling, etc.
Overall, it has a good plot to it. Keep it up.
thxs for reading my cruddy work. so, as for the convo depth, it is suppose to be this way to draw peeps like you in. like some peeps would be saying, "why is this so vague?" or, "what the heck is going on?!" and the police response part? well, our heroine is a psycho-lunatic who just stabbed her sister. who knows how time spans in her brain? i dont for one thing. so yeah. dont got anything else to say, so, read my next installment please! thxs!
I like the suspense of this, but it could use some more description and details about the narrator. I would love to read more and find out what happened to lead into this; I think it's a great beginning to a very interesting piece.
pretty typical. Give more detail. Take your time with it and have more character development so the reader feels for these people.It wouldn't hurt for it to be a bit longer. Your piece does have allot going for it but i believe it is rushed. Again, take your time. That's all, hope i helped you a bit.
thxs for critiquing! well, i feel the need to explain myself. for starters, there's a lack of detail to make readers like you to be confused. and this is a prologue. i don't think it says that, so sorry. yeah. and this was a completely spontaneous idea, so yeah, you're right, it could be longer, but eh, i might change it, i might not. so yeah. thxs again!
PS "allot" is 2 words "a lot". =3
Okay so first of all there wasn't much on how the main character was feeling. It had way to much dialogue and not enough feeling. Also like SushiSashimi333 the "it all started with my history test" is kind of stereotypical. I love the plotline though. I also love how she said "I stabbed her period." that was amazing I was like "WHAT!". The story line is great so far but try adding more description and less dialogue. I think that you have great potential keep trying hard!:)
ok, yeah, started with my history test is stereotypical, and i personally really really wanted a different end to this piece. buuuut, i couldn't think of a better ending. so yeah. so thxs again for rating my piece. you can probably expect to see more crappy works by me =3
There really wasn't too much to this piece, mean it's interesting, but kinda typical. Like how you ended with "it all started with my history test." I think there might also need to be less dialogue and more description. As I already told you the names could use more UMPH, but that's my opinion. I do want to see what happens though, the plot normally isn't something that you would find in a bookstore, update. Fast.
First of all , a great piece of fiction it is ! Very nice Theme and concept but a little more description of the actions of people may bring vividness . I like the way you have portrayed everything . I am not a very experienced person so I can't say more about it. Keep up the good work.
thxs for your input! well, vagueness was the point of this piece. as for the actions, well, they may be revealed later in the story(if I ever get to it =3) so yeah. thxs for even reading my story thing. by the way, what drew you in to read my story?
There is a lot of dialogue, and not quite enough substance. Although, I didn't notice any grammactical/punctuation errors.
You see, most of what humans use is body language and facial expressions, then a small portion is language. So before dialogue, maybe describe an action? For example: I clutched my fists, "Fine." or dialogue tag to describe. "Fine." I mumbled/rolled my eyes. It goes a long way in helping the reader picture things, but don't go overboard.
You also need more detail. The setting around your mc isn't explained much. Where is her when she is calling the ambulance? Bleeding to death on the coach? More of your mc's thoughts would help color the story. Is she scared that she may go to jail?
Overall, I think you have potential. I understand more dialogue maybe your personal style, but substance is always needed. It was good, and I wish you well. Happy Easter
thxs for your critique! but just as a personal pride thing(? what ever. shut up conscience!)the dialogue currently is vague to confuse readers, and the setting will be more in depth later. to sum up this and other rambles, vagueness is the key to this story currently. It's to draw in the readers, or deter them. It's more to see what kind of people this would draw. and that's the end of my rambling. and thxs again for reading my story thing.