I was lost in the sea of the market,
caught up in the smells
of fish, fruit, spices,
the crowd rumbling around me.
Excuse me, miss,
but where did you get that dress?
She wore no crown,
but there was no disguising
the queen’s nose, the king’s vigilant eyes.
A portrait I’d seen a thousand times
had come to life before me.
I stumbled into a curtsy
and stammered about my mother’s stall.
Get up and take me to her.
She said my mother’s gowns
should be worn by ladies, not peasants,
though your daughter here wears them
well.
Perhaps she would like to join me in the Palace.
My future was haggled
with the dress
she would wear to the New Year's Ball.
She would come to pick us both up
on the fifteenth.
My mother says
to serve the Princess is an honor,
but I have never lived
away from her.
A/N: This is the first "chapter" of my LMS project, which can be described in more detail here. You can also see the first draft there and see how it compares.
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139,667 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
Heya, niteowl! Crimson here for a review!
This works very well for an introduction of sorts, but it could be better, I think. Rather than just telling us what the scents in the air are, see if you can describe them -- are they tangy? Salty? Sweet? Tart? Is there a more succinct and directly relatable way you can describe them? Sure, we all know what fish, fruit and spices are, but telling us that's what it is without any other description only really brings the image to mind (at least for me), and not the smell.Brief disclaimer: I can be picky and occasionally annoying about certain things. Try to ignore that; I'm here to help, first and foremost.
Let's take a look.
I'm not sure if there's a reason not to, but in my opinion that third line should be split in half.
Overall:
This poem seems to have a very straightforward purpose, which it achieves quite soundly, but there seemed to be a few missed opportunities to make it more compelling. That final stanza in particular seems... Too apathetic for what one would expect. If that's what you were going for, then awesome! If not, perhaps you could work in some more emotive language.
The way you chose to reflect speech is interesting, but it's simplicity seems to lend it to being a little confusing at a few points. Not sure how you'd improve it, but I do like how it works overall.
It's a lovely little story, all in all! Looking forward to more!
Hi!
I really liked what you have written. Good job. I was just bit confused and had to read it several times. I suggest you should try and make it clearer as to what you're trying to communicate. I suggest so because your readers won't be interested in the poetry if they do not understand it. Hence, it is essential so that people can capture the beauty of the poetry
Best wishes,
G
Hi Niteowl! Katrina Kimberly here for a quick review!
I really enjoyed this poem, and I don't really have any suggestions or critiques, so I suppose I will start with the positive and go from there!
I really enjoyed how your poem told a story. From the poem, the reader is able to learn about a not so wealthy girl who is noticed for her beautiful dress at the market. When the lady spots her, she begins to engage in a conversation with the girl's mother, who agrees to allow the girl to work for a princess. I absolutely love stories and poems about topics such as this one! Will I be able to read more about this girl's journey in the future? I definitely hope so!
As for the one comment that I had, I wasn't sure if you meant to capitalize "Caught" in the second line. I just didn't think that it entirely fit in the pattern you were using when it came to capitalization.
In the end, this was a fabulous poem that I very much enjoyed! I really hope that you write more about this girl! If you do, I hope that you might be able to notify me in some way that way I can read it.
Best of Wishes,
Your friend Kat
Thanks Kat! I'm glad you liked it. I'm absolutely continuing this! If you click on the link above, you'll see the drafts I've already written for the Last Man Standing contest. I'll be writing a new poem for that thread every week, and my goal is to go back and edit/publish a previously written draft every week as well. I can go ahead and tag you when I publish new poems for this!