Published February 9, 2009
a Terrible Laugh
a Terrible Boom
a Terrible Silence
a heavy footprint
heavy breathing
fist clenched on His Hammer
only one human left
striding with purpose
striding
to His Death
a Terrible Laugh
a Terrible Boom
a terrible miss
A grenade goes flying
To stick to an enemy
no laugh this Time
Just a Terrible Boom
a Triumphant Silence
______
PS master chief wins in the end!
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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
sticking is when you throw a grenade and it sticks to an enemy.
this poems kinda funny. I'm not really into halo, but I've played it enough to know what your talking about.
as for the thing darko said, a footprint is when you step and it leaves a mark. jeez....
so yeah, awesome man. all the critiquing that needs to be done has already been done.
--Mark--
well now, these crits above me are rather nasty, now aren't they?
Okay, I just did some research on halo. master chief is the main character, and the brute chieftain uses a gravity hammer? okay, now the poem makes more sense. So those two are battling each other? However, I'm still confused as to who is doing what action in the poem. Maybe I would know if I had played the video game, but if you want this to be understood by a larger audience, you might consider making it a bit more clear.
I love your images though. I can picture the video game when I read it. If you kept the images but make the action a bit more clear, I think this could be really good.
Yeah, I agree with Threnody that your capitalization is a bit bizarre and yeah, you could maybe use some punctuation.
To stick to an enemy? That makes me think of oatmeal sticking to your ribs or something? What is this line trying to say?
Anyway, I like this poem. Hope you have a nice day today.
rachel
a halfhearted lawl is all this warrants, and even then I feel as if I've wasted breath.
Kindly keep waste in its respective bin.
Hello, just so you know, I've never played Halo and I don't know anything about it. Now here's my review.
Heavy breathing doesn't seem complete by itself.
Why is his capitalized? That word should only be capitalized when referring to a greater being, preferably a god.
I connected striding to his death. Again why is his capitalized? I connected it because it flows better like that.
Why is time capitalized? And I would suggest revising the second line. The word stick seems wrong.
My thoughts~
I think that the repetition of the word "terrible" seems wrong. I'm sure you can come up with more words. And everything lacks description when you repeat that.
Other words you could use-
a terrible crime | terrible injuries dreadful, awful, appalling, horrific, horrifying, horrible, horrendous, atrocious, abominable, deplorable, egregious, abhorrent, frightful, shocking, hideous, ghastly, grim, dire, unspeakable, gruesome, monstrous, sickening, heinous, vile; serious, grave, acute; formal grievous. antonym minor, negligible.
a terrible smell repulsive, disgusting, awful, dreadful, ghastly, horrid, horrible, vile, foul, abominable, frightful, loathsome, revolting, nasty, odious, nauseating, repellent, horrendous, hideous, appalling, offensive, objectionable, obnoxious, gruesome, putrid, noisome, yucky, godawful,
Also, this poem lacks any meaning what so ever. Honestly, give us some reason to care about this random person.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
______
PS master chief wins in the end![/quote]
Hola! Now...what happened to punctuation? Nobody (read:rarely) doesn't care anymore for that stuff...
What's a footprint? Is that a metaphor for something or?
Remove last 2-3 stanzas. It's not pretty like that cause you're ruining the beginning of the poem.
Terrible boom-triumphant silence? What silence if there's (or was) a boom?
What does your title means?