Chapter 1
“Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple…”
Xaldin silently closed his small suitcase. It was finally time to leave, as he crept from his room to the front door, he wearily glanced into his younger sister’s room. Forgetting her would be one of the hardest parts of leaving, and Xaldin knew it. After fifteen years of suffering, Xaldin was finally escaping a world that he was too smart to live in: Earth. It may seem quite fantastical, hearing that a boy of just fifteen years planned to leave the planet…That’s exactly why Xaldin had been chosen.
It was an average Sunday, when the man approached him. Xaldin was walking home from the hospital after visiting Annie, his terminally ill friend whom he’d met through a candy striper-like program his teacher had made him participate in. As usual, he was lost in thought about the girl whom he’d almost come to love since meeting her a year ago.
No doctor was able to determine what was wrong with Annie, so they had treated her for every terminal disease they could possibly think of. You could probably imagine, as a result of the grueling treatments, Annie was a mess. She was skeletal, frail, her eyes sunk into her skull and her skin was white as paper. Many people averted their eyes when they were in her presence, except for Xaldin. To him, she was she was beautiful. Her eyes were blue with flecks of brown and green and they seemed to exude intelligence. Annie was nothing but understanding and open minded even when Xaldin would say something that seemed completely ridiculous. Unlike everyone else he had met, Annie thought of him as a genius instead of a freak. She was also enormously brave. Since he’d met her, Xaldin had never once heard her voice fear of her impending death or anguish at the fact her family had left her to be owned by the hospital.
Xaldin’s thoughts were interpreted when he noticed a police car following him. Confused, he stopped and waited for the officer to roll down his window. Xaldin took one look into the car and realized that something was wrong. The man driving wasn’t a police officer at all. He was wearing dark clothing and looked like a secret service agent. The mad spoke suddenly, quietly but sharply. “Xaldin Dubois?” Xaldin stared at the man dumbfounded. A million questions were running through his head: Should he run? How did this man know his name? What did he want? Why was he driving a police car? Xaldin’s panicked mosaic was shattered when the man half shouted at him, “Answer me, boy!” The sudden interruption allowed Xaldin to gather his thoughts. He decided that running wouldn’t do any good, as the man was driving a car. So his only real option would be to appease whoever this was.
“Yes, I am Xaldin Dubois, may I ask what the problem is, officer?”
The man laughed, “It would be in both of our best interests if you would get into the car, Mr. Dubois”
Xaldin thought a moment and decided that being otherwise unharmed and kidnapped would be a lot more comfortable than being poisoned, beaten, or tazed and kidnapped. Reluctantly, he got into the passenger side of the police car.
. . .
As it turned out, Xaldin wasn’t being kidnapped, not in usual sense of the word, that is. The man’s name was McCarter, he said he worked for the government (though he wouldn’t tell Xaldin anything more than that.) Somehow, McCarter knew everything about him, even things Xaldin didn’t know about him self. “You’re a genius son” he’d said quite matter-of-factly.
“We’ve been watching you for a very long time, and now that you’ve grown to a respectable age, we’ve decided to carry out our plan. If you agree to it, that is.”
Xaldin didn’t understand. “What are you talking about?”
“Your knowledge of physics and space is incredibly impressive for someone of your age, there are college students who would envy your mental capabilities.” McCarter said, stroking the salt and pepper stubble on his chin.
“What’s your point?”
The man went on to explain to Xaldin (after making him literally swear on his life to not tell of their conversation) about a special secret air craft testing program. Xaldin asked why they were asking a child to participate in such a project. “Children go missing without a trace all the time. It’s common.” Was all that McCarter replied.
Lying in bed that night, Xaldin got chills thinking about how cold and seemingly emotionless McCarter was. He knew he wasn’t going to sleep that night. Not to say that he normally did much sleeping. With Xaldin’s great mind, came even greater sacrifice. Though he could understand things that most adults couldn’t even begin to comprehend, he was trapped in his mind. Questions and thoughts constantly ran through his head. He was constantly talking to himself and had reached a point of being that some people would consider philosophical. Xaldin wasn’t one of those people. He hated his mind and he hated knowing so much: of everything that he understood, he could never manage to understand people. Every person was like a new subject to Xaldin. He had to memorize their every mannerism, facial expression, tone of voice, what he could and couldn’t say to that specific person, the things they liked, the things they disliked, and pretty much every other aspect of that specific person’s personality. Over the years, he had become very good at memorizing those, however, though Xaldin tried hard to understand other people, they never wanted to try to understand him. It was for that reason, that he seldom spoke to anyone let alone make friends.
As the thoughts buzzed through his head, Xaldin tried to tell himself that he had no reason to stay, which was true…Almost. That was what hurt the most. Of all the reasons he had to want to leave, there were only two things in the world that he wanted to remain for, and they would be the hardest to let go of. Annie and his younger sister.
Xaldin left just two weeks after his conversation with McCarter. He’d skipped school those days out of obedience rather than choice. Not that he minded very much. Of course, McCarter provided enough phony notes to keep the school from becoming suspicious.As for his mother, excuses weren’t necessary. Xaldin was more of a burden to her than anything and, on top of that, she was normally too drunk to realize that he was gone. That’s why he worried so much about his sister. Xaldin had taken care of her since she was a baby with barley any (voluntary) help from their mother. McCarter promised that he’d take care of her in Xaldin’s absence. He trusted McCarter, though he had no reason too, he also had no reason to distrust him, and so far, Xaldin had been untrustworthy himself. He told Annie everything, and more than that, she had believed him.
It was time now. As soon as he was sure his mother was asleep, Xaldin crept from his house, leaving behind everything except his glasses, a picture, and the last thing Annie had said to him. They were the one thing that he wished he could leave behind. “Just go, you’ve always wanted this. Don’t ruin your whole life to spend only a few more months with me…” Perhaps by taking her advice, he had ruined his life.
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139,565 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey there! Again, I'm so sorry it took so long but your review is finally here!
First off, I'd just like to say that what you have here is a very good start, but you're just brushing the surface of a lot of the feelings that you really should explore more within the main character - Xaldin. For example, when he's leaving the house don't just tell us that he's going to miss his sister - show his hesitation. Make us believe that he doesn't want to leave her, and that he's sad about it.
Right after that first paragraph as well, we are immediately thrown into another scene. I would really suggest working a bit on your transitions, and make sure that everything makes sense and is resolved without seeming choppy. Avoid making your writing seem like you're just jumping from event to event, "this happened, then they went to bed, and then that happened..." and so on. Right now, you just need to go over it a bit and smooth out those pesky transitions. It's difficult to get right the first time, and I'm pretty sure everyone has this problem at least once in their writing career. It takes work to get anything down perfectly!
What I noticed next was that it was a bit confusing telling the difference between the flashback and the current events. At first I thought that you went back to him as he's leaving when you said this:
Make sure that you're always making it clear to the reader what and when you're talking about. You're the author, so you obviously know what you mean - but that doesn't mean that we as readers know. Spell it out for us. (Though still avoid telling too much. ALWAYS SHOW DON'T TELL!)
Moving on, I'll just point out this paragraph as well:
You give us a lot of background here, but it seems like you're dumping as much information on us as possible in one paragraph. As I've touched on a bit before, you really need to show us what's going on instead of just telling us. Maybe have Xaldin interact with someone and describe what's going on in his mind. Create this aspect of his personality by showing how he reacts to the outside stimulus, and that'll give just as much valuable information as the paragraph above - in a more interesting way as well.
*Another thing you might want to explore a bit more is the familial situation. It's touched on briefly, but we don't really get the feel of what it was actually like for these kids.*
If you need a few more tips on how to show instead of tell, I've found a really useful article here: http://www.writingforward.com/writing-t ... -dont-tell Hope it helps!
That's all I can really think to say right now. I really hope that you continue it. It's a good start, but it does need a bit of work to make it perfect. (Though I find it very hard to believe that anyone has ever written something that was perfect as a rough draft.
Anyways, good luck, and I think that this has a lot of promise. Keep writing, and I hope to read more of your work sometime! See you around.
~ Patricia Tina
This looks so interesting, I think a while to review great stuff like this! You I will finish it soon!
Hey, I'm going to review yours. Hope you review mine. I forgot to copy link before I started replying, but it's Sirena - Chapter 1. Just posted... I copied and pasted yours and my notes are in UPPERCASE.
Chapter 1
“Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple…” YOU DON'T NEED TO QUOTE YOUR TITLES
Xaldin silently closed his small suitcase. It was finally time to leave, as he crept from his room to the front door, he wearily glanced into his younger sister’s room. Forgetting her would be one of the hardest parts of leaving, and Xaldin knew it. After fifteen years of suffering, WHAT IS HURTING XALDIN THAT HE HAS TO LEAVE? WHY IS HE SUFFERING? Xaldin was finally escaping a world that he was too smart to live in: Earth. IS HE HUMAN? It may seem quite fantastical, hearing that a boy of just fifteen years planned to leave the planet…That’s exactly why Xaldin had been chosen. WHO CHOSE HIM FOR WHAT?
It was an average Sunday, when the man approached him. Xaldin was walking home from the hospital after visiting Annie, his terminally ill friend whom he’d met through a candy striper-like program his teacher had made him participate in. As usual, he was lost in thought about the girl whom he’d almost come to love since meeting her a year ago. DOES HE NOT LOVE HER BECAUSE SHE'S ILL?
No doctor was able to determine what was wrong with Annie, so they had treated her for every terminal disease they could possibly think of. You could probably imagine, as a result of the grueling treatments, Annie was a mess. She was skeletal, frail, her eyes sunk into her skull and her skin was white as paper. Many people averted their eyes when they were in her presence, except for Xaldin. To him, she was she was beautiful. YOU HAVE SHE WAS SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL..ONLY NEED 1 SHE WAS* Her eyes were blue with flecks of brown and green and they seemed to exude intelligence. Annie was nothing but understanding and open minded even when Xaldin would say something that seemed completely ridiculous. Unlike everyone else he had met, Annie thought of him as a genius instead of a freak. She was also enormously brave. Since he’d met her, Xaldin had never once heard her voice fear of her impending death or anguish at the fact her family had left her to be owned by the hospital.
Xaldin’s thoughts were interpreted when he noticed a police car following him. ARE THE LIGHTS AND SIREN ON? Confused, he stopped and waited for the officer to roll down his window. THIS PART CONFUSED ME A LITTLE, I THOUGHT THE COP CAR WAS PULLING XALDIN OVER..IF YOU PUT SOMETHING LIKE THE COP CAR WAS TAILING HIM BUT DIDNT HAVE LIGHTS ON, SO HE PULLED OVER T OSEE WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS ...SOMETHING OF THAT SORT? Xaldin took one look into the car and realized that something was wrong. The man driving wasn’t a police officer at all. He was wearing dark clothing and looked like a secret service agent. The mad MAD OR MAN? spoke suddenly, quietly but sharply. “Xaldin Dubois?” Xaldin stared at the man dumb-founded. A million questions were running through his head: Should he run? How did this man know his name? What did he want? Why was he driving a police car? Xaldin’s panicked mosaic was shattered when the man half shouted at him, NEW LINE WITH EACH CHARACTER TALKING “Answer me, boy!” The sudden interruption allowed Xaldin to gather his thoughts. He decided that running wouldn’t do any good, as the man was driving a car. So his only real option would be to appease whoever this was.
“Yes, I am Xaldin Dubois, may I ask what the problem is, officer?”
The man laughed, “It would be in both of our best interests if you would get into the car, Mr. Dubois”
Xaldin thought a moment and decided that being otherwise unharmed and kidnapped would be a lot more comfortable than being poisoned, beaten, or tazed and kidnapped. Reluctantly, he got into the passenger side of the police car.
. . .
As it turned out, Xaldin wasn’t being kidnapped, not in usual sense of the word, that is. The man’s name was McCarter, he said he worked for the government (though he wouldn’t tell Xaldin anything more than that.) Somehow, McCarter knew everything about him, even things Xaldin didn’t know about him self. “You’re a genius son” he’d said quite matter-of-factly.
“We’ve been watching you for a very long time, and now that you’ve grown to a respectable age, we’ve decided to carry out our plan. If you agree to it, that is.”
Xaldin didn’t understand. “What are you talking about?”
“Your knowledge of physics and space is incredibly impressive for someone of your age, there are college students who would envy your mental capabilities.” McCarter said, stroking the salt and pepper stubble on his chin.
“What’s your point?”
The man went on to explain to Xaldin (after making him literally swear on his life to not tell of their conversation) about a special secret air craft testing program. Xaldin asked why they were asking a child to participate in such a project. “Children go missing without a trace all the time. It’s common.” Was all that McCarter replied.
Lying in bed that night, Xaldin got chills thinking about how cold and seemingly emotionless McCarter was. He knew he wasn’t going to sleep that night. Not to say that he normally did much sleeping. With Xaldin’s great mind, came even greater sacrifice. Though he could understand things that most adults couldn’t even begin to comprehend, he was trapped in his mind. Questions and thoughts constantly ran through his head. He was constantly talking to himself and had reached a point of being that some people would consider philosophical. Xaldin wasn’t one of those people. He hated his mind and he hated knowing so much: of everything that he understood, he could never manage to understand people. Every person was like a new subject to Xaldin. He had to memorize their every mannerism, facial expression, tone of voice, what he could and couldn’t say to that specific person, the things they liked, the things they disliked, and pretty much every other aspect of that specific person’s personality. Over the years, he had become very good at memorizing those, however, though Xaldin tried hard to understand other people, they never wanted to try to understand him. It was for that reason, that he seldom spoke to anyone let alone make friends.
As the thoughts buzzed through his head, Xaldin tried to tell himself that he had no reason to stay, which was true…Almost. That was what hurt the most. Of all the reasons he had to want to leave, there were only two things in the world that he wanted to remain for, and they would be the hardest to let go of. Annie and his younger sister.
Xaldin left just two weeks after his conversation with McCarter. He’d skipped school those days out of obedience rather than choice. Not that he minded very much. Of course, McCarter provided enough phony notes to keep the school from becoming suspicious.As for his mother, excuses weren’t necessary. Xaldin was more of a burden to her than anything and, on top of that, she was normally too drunk to realize that he was gone. IS SHE ALWAYS DRUNK? COULD ELABORATE A LITTLE. That’s why he worried so much about his sister. Xaldin had taken care of her since she was a baby with barley any (voluntary) help from their mother. McCarter promised that he’d take care of her in Xaldin’s absence. He trusted McCarter, WHAT GAVE HIM REASON TO TRUST HIM WITH BABY SISTER IF THEY HAD JUST MET? though he had no reason too, he also had no reason to distrust him, and so far, Xaldin had been untrustworthy himself. He told Annie everything, and more than that, she had believed him.
It was time now. As soon as he was sure his mother was asleep, Xaldin crept from his house, leaving behind everything except his glasses, a picture, and the last thing Annie had said to him. They were the one thing that he wished he could leave behind. “Just go, you’ve always wanted this. Don’t ruin your whole life to spend only a few more months with me…” Perhaps by taking her advice, he had ruined his life.
IT SOUNDS INTERESTING AND HOPE TO READ MORE. LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU POST MORE OF THIS STORY..LOOKS LIKE IT WILL BE A GOOD ONE BUT NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE CHARACTER. I WONDER WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE . I GATHER HE'S A GENIUS, SO HE'S PROBABLY NERDY WITH GLASSES? BRACES? TIGHT PANTS? WHAT?