My Life on the Inside

Hello! I'm here as asked. =) I'll go ahead and review this with a sort of grammar check, then I'll edit my review on your other chapter with a grammar check. ^_^

April 6th
I peer out my window, [no comma] like I do every day. Looking at the busy street, all the people rushing by, all the trees, and think about the wonderful fresh air. You would just say walk outside, [no comma] and enjoy what you look at every day, [<--comma] but I can’t, and I haven’t, for a year now. I thought of starting a journal because I know now I will never get to go outside (Not not unless they find me), [<--comma] but what they don’t know is that I’m very close to them (about a mile away, [no comma] in an old house on main street). The house is hidden behind a big tree, so no one will see me, [no comma] as I look out my window.

I have been stuck here for a year now. I don't know why he did this to me. Why me? Why couldn’t he have taken someone else? It doesn’t feel like a year he has been taken away, [period instead of a comma] it It feels like it’s been a life time lifetime. I’m only seventeen, [<--comma] and he expects me to do everything for him. I just want to go home! I told myself to be strong and not to cry, but my body rejects that idea, and I start to shut down.

But then, [no comma] I hear him call me. Then again, he yells for me. Once I didn’t come, he got angry. I was afraid of what he would do this time. It couldn’t be any worse than anything he’s already done. What is he going to do, lock me in my room? Hit me again, [no comma OR a question mark instead] or burn me? I really didn’t care anymore. Death might be simpler than this.

yells[i] at me." This sounds more interesting. She sounds more panicked about it, or at least emphasies the badness of his voice. Also, in your sentences, the repetition of "then" bogs it way down. That's mainly what I encourage you to edit.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Are you going deaf?” I didn’t dare to say a thing. “You stupid girl,” he said as he slapped me. “Answer me, will you?!” I stayed quiet, wondering what he might do.

He didn’t do anything: he He just stood there. I guess it could be worse. He was waiting for my answer, and I wasn’t going to give him one. He got up and sat in front of the door. I couldn’t get out, [<--comma] and he knew it. [i]I was trapped till I answered him or till he got bored and left, or killed me. It might be simpler that way, for him to just kill me.

Underlined: Did we just switch to past tense? That's no good! xD

Italicized: There's a few ways you could rephrase this! One way was in the first sentence, changing that comma into a period or ellipses. It would make that "or killed me" more dramatic. OR you could completely ditch the "or killed me" and then add a transition word like "Actually, it might be simpler..." which would also be dramatic in a different way. Each instance has its own style though, so it depends on who your MC is like.

The room (well, I guess my room, even though I wouldn’t call it that) is a long hallway. It’s my room, then a door, then a bathroom on the right, and then a hallway with a door. That’s how he locks me in here. Just a bed, a night table, a chair, a desk, and a bathroom and then the house is, a small house with a kitchen, two other bedrooms, a living room, a basement, and a locked room, were the computer and phone are. The backyard is fenced in, [<--comma] but he always locks it. I always asked him if I could go out there, even if he goes with me or chains me to something, it won’t matter. He always says no, [<--comma] and I don’t know why. I would never scream; he would kill me before anything happened. Maybe that was one of his ways to torture me,[colon or dash instead] never letting me out of this dark place.

Underlined: This is considered an info-dump. kinda. It really doesn't matter how the house is arranged (unless it's *really* important to your story for some reason), but just saying the MC lived in a branch of the house which contained a bedroom, bathroom, and a couple extra mysterious doors. Don't make lists. Listing goes in one ear and out the other (or is it eye?) for the reader.

Italicized: I'd suggest getting rid of "it won't matter" 'cause it doesn't make sense there. Without it, it makes just enough sense for the story to continue.

He scares me, [no comma] like no one has ever before. I thought my parents were scary, but I was wrong. My parents have always been trying to help me, but he is just trying to hurt me.

He doesn’t know about my journal, [<--comma] and I’d like to keep it that way. He can never know my secrets. I don’t want him to know that I’m scared.

----

That's a basic grammar check. There are other grammar articles in the Knowledge Base (found under Community Forums in the Writing Tips sectcion) where you can find help. It's not that big of a forum for grammar articles, so it'll be easy to find what you need (and if you're still confused, find me!).

Overall comments on your story will mostly be the same as the review I did for chapter 2. The only thing I feel the need to mention is how empty your main character (MC) sounds. She doesn't have any voice. There's no panic, distress--anything. She's just stating things, but she's going through so much turmoil. She probably has bruises/scabs to worry about. She must have some thoughts about him. She mentioned secrets, but she's not really sharing any! The only one we know about is that she's scared. But secrets go deeper than that. What does she think of him?

This will also help us decide who the evil guy is. Right now, he seems like a jerk who does this for no apparent reason whatsoever, but he has to have motivation. If given enough evidence, the reader will make their own conclusions as to who this guy is and what's going on. This is a good thing! You want the reader to make theories as to the outcome of your story. This gets them involved! So characterization is a major thing to pay attention to. Especially with journal novels like this. ^_^

Otherwise, my other comments in chapter 2 remain the same here.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

niclie wrote:Hey so i'm a newbie and this is my first story. I'm sorry my grammer is so bad i need a lot of help in that area. So please be honest and let me know what you think thanks.

Backround: Samantha has been kidnapped and decides to start a journal.

April 6th
I peer out my window, like I do every day. Looking at the busy street, all the people rushing by, all the trees, and think about the wonderful fresh air. You would just say walk outside, and enjoy what you look at every day but I can’t, and I haven’t, for a year now. I thought of starting a journal because I know now I will never get to go outside (Not unless they find me) but what they don’t know is that I’m very close to them (about a mile away, in an old house on main street). The house is hidden behind a big tree, so no one will see me, as I look out my window.

I have been stuck here for a year now. I don't know why he did this to me. Why me? Why couldn’t he have taken someone else? It doesn’t feel like a year he has taken away, it feels like it’s been a life time. I’m only seventeen and he expects me to do everything for him. I just want to go home! I told myself to be strong and not to cry, but my body rejects that idea, and I start to shut down.

But then, I hear him call me. Then again, he yells for me. Once I didn’t come, he got angry. I was afraid of what he would do this time. It couldn’t be any worse than anything he’s already done. What is he going to do, lock me in my room? Hit me again, or burn me? I really didn’t care anymore. Death might be simpler than this.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Are you going deaf?” I didn’t dare to say a thing. “You stupid girl,” he said as he slapped me. “Answer me, will you?!” I stayed quiet, wondering what he might do.

He didn’t do anything: he just stood there. I guess it could be worse. He was waiting for my answer, and I wasn’t going to give him one. He got up and sat in front of the door. I couldn’t get out and he knew it. I was trapped till I answered him or till he got bored and left, or killed me. It might be simpler that way, for him to just kill me.

The room (well, I guess my room, even though I wouldn’t call it that) is a long hallway. It’s my room, then a door, then a bathroom on the right, and then a hallway with a door. That’s how he locks me in here. Just a bed, a night table, a chair, a desk, and a bathroom and then the house is, a small house with a kitchen, two other bedrooms, a living room, a basement, and a locked room, were the computer and phone are. The backyard is fenced in but he always locks it. I always asked him if I could go out there, even if he goes with me or chains me to something, it won’t matter. He always says no and I don’t know why. I would never scream; he would kill me before anything happened. Maybe that was one of his ways to torture me, never letting me out of this dark place.

He scares me, like no one has ever before. I thought my parents were scary, but I was wrong. My parents have always been trying to help me, but he is just trying to hurt me.

He doesn’t know about my journal and I’d like to keep it that way. He can never know my secrets. I don’t want him to know that I’m scared.

I knew this is a little cofusing becuase i never told you who he or they is but i will later if i post more so please let me know if you would want me to post more thanks.

This is a great piece. I like it a lot. Sorry I wasn't much help

This was a wonderful piece. I absolutely loved it. I don't have much to say about it, but I really do like it. I already feel bad for your character. This is a sad piece, but it's still extremely good. Let me know when you post more on it.

Hey there!

Okay so I agree with the others on most of the the things they said.

I like the fact that there is a bit of mystery to the characters. You could make them a bit more realistic by adding a few more details, but not too many.

Backround: Samantha has been kidnapped and decides to start a journal.

Hey!
Okay first and most importantly, stop worrying about the grammer, write with your heart first then your head. Or else you'll go crazy and you'll never finish what you started. It's a good piece, I would read more if you wrote more thats forsure. I just want you to know that when you write and you speak to the readers like their there, they don't like that very much for example
"I thought of starting a journal because I know now I will never get to go outside
(Not unless they find me)
but what they don’t know is that I’m very close to them
(about a mile away, in an old house on main street)."
Thats a big Nono in the writer world. So try and think of another way of telling us that.
You did a good job and I'd be pleased to help you anytime.
When you discribe the the setting it's kind of bland and you don't need to do it all at once. Take your time, write about where she is first then go onto the other rooms in the house. You don't need to tell us everything at once.
But on the positives this story has a lot of potential. I think its interesting and I can't wait to find out what happends.

April 6th Year? Time?
I peer out my window, like I do every day. Looking at the busy street, all the people rushing by, all the trees, and think about the wonderful fresh air. You would just say walk outside, and enjoy what you look at every day but I can’t, and I haven’t, for a year now. I thought of starting a journal because I know now I will never get to go outside (Not unless they find me) but what they don’t know is that I’m very close to them (about a mile away, in an old house on main street). The house is hidden behind a big tree, so no one will see me, as I look out my window.

It doesn’t feel like he has taken away just a year from me, it feels like it’s been a life time. I’m only seventeen and he expects me to do everything for him. I just want to go home! I told myself to be strong and not to cry, but my body rejects that idea, and I start to shut down.
(Sorry I accidently took away some of the paragraph. ^^')

But then, I hear him call me. Then again, he yells for me. Once I didn’t come, he got angry. I was afraid of what he would do this time. It couldn’t be any worse than anything he’s already done. What is he going to do, lock me in my room? Hit me again, or burn me? I really didn’t care anymore. Death might be simpler than this.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Are you going deaf?” I didn’t dare to say a thing. “You stupid girl.” he said as he slapped me. “Answer me, will you?!” I stayed quiet, wondering what he might do.

He didn’t do anything: he just stood there. I guess it could be worse. He was waiting for my answer, and I wasn’t going to give him one. He got up and sat in front of the door. I couldn’t get out and he knew it. I was trapped till I answered him or till he got bored and left, or killed me. It might be simpler that way, for him to just kill me.

The room (well, I guess it's my room, even though I wouldn’t call it that) is a long hallway. It’s my room, then a door, then a bathroom on the right, and then a hallway with a door. That’s how he locks me in here. Just a bed, a night table, a chair, a desk, and a bathroom and then the house is, a small house with a kitchen, two other bedrooms, a living room, a basement, and a locked room, were the computer and phone are. The backyard is fenced in but he always locks it. I always ask him if I could go out there. Even if he goes with me or chains me to something, it won’t matter. He always says no and I don’t know why. I would never scream; he would kill me before anything happened. Maybe that was one of his ways to torture me, never letting me out of this dark place.

He scares me, like no one has ever before. I thought my parents were scary, but I was wrong. My parents have always been trying to help me, but he is just trying to hurt me.

He doesn’t know about my journal and I’d like to keep it that way. He can never know my secrets. I don’t want him to know that I’m scared.

I'm not very good at reviewing, but I loved your piece. It almost made me cry. I'm not good at harsh criticism, and that is what writers need most so I will try. You did have a lot of grammar mistakes, but I won't even go into that since it's such a big topic. It would've been better with a bit more information, such as her name. But I like how you are withholding information that is a good tactic, that keeps readers reading.I thank you for reading this.
Hope I could help,
Mickeystwin33