A darkness she desired,haunted her dreams,
luring her in.
Her reckless behaviour inspired her to enter those realms
and commit a sin.
There's nothing she regrets.
But there's something she forgets,
a thousand eyes staring at her from a distance,
thinking she's a complete nuisance.
A black sheep for the society.
But she fears no one and loves the Almighty.
Her desires and her will
give her an exhilarating thrill.
So she never minds what anyone says.
She does things in her own weird ways.
For the darkness she seeks
is actually bright.
It's just the society that's so meek
and picks up a fight.
So, she named it darkness
and committed her gentle sins.
'Cause no matter how hard she tries to impress,
the society always wins.
They name it darkness,
kill her dreams and digress.
But she gets up again,
always challenging her brain.
Ready to fulfill her desire,
'cause she knows she's the rightful heir
to her Dreams and her Wishes.
So no matter how much dirt the society disses
She does it all.
Always ready to fall
and get up again
to follow the same train.
Never ceasing to care for the World,
Flying high with her wings confidently unfurled.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hey there and welcome to YWS!
You're missing a space after that first comma. I also think this could be re-worded to be more engaging. Perhaps: 'Her dreams haunted by desired darkness,' - with poetry it's often best to use as few filler words as possible.Line-by-line
1.
2. I don't like the word 'nuisance' because I think it gives the wrong tone. It's a kind of comical sounding word which doesn't seem to fit in this poem.
3. Maybe 'kicks up a fight' would make more sense and flow better?
4. The word digress feels really out of place here.
5. I think 'dishes' would work here as in, the society dishes out. It doesn't make sense as disses because that would suggest that the society are fighting against the 'dirt'.
Overall
This is a sweet poem. I think the word choices feel a little out in places and the imagery could be stronger/ more unique but the overall message is nice and for the most part it flows smoothly. I'd perhaps like to know more of what these small sins are which aren't actually sins? But are reaching for the light? That's a little bit hard to imagine. I'm not sure what a person could do that is actually 'good' but seems bad because it goes against society so I think a concrete example there would help us to understand and give us a better sense of who your persona is.
See you around!
~Heather
I like this but it is really depressing...
ok so the beginning yeah society does outcast people and make them that "black sheep" i agree. if someone says something someone else doesn't like then they become a "black sheep". and um, in the last 5 lines is that about suicide? i mean i like it says ready to fall. but i guess that could mean society pushing her to her limits till she falls and then gets back again. Good job! keep on writing your good at it!Oh and i like how it Rolls like butter off the tongue.
Thanks a Lot! and yeah The last five lines describe how the society pushes her to her limits but she gets up again refusing to fail.....
This is very deep but beautifully worded. It's like your given a sneak peek into someone's version of the world. It's a thumbs up!
Thanks!!!
I like it
Thanks