Special Someone

"When you be so strong. But in the end,things go wrong." This is powerful, and this actually happens a lot. Some people are afraid of failure, so they put up a wall so that they are always successful in their minds. "You should be strong. Even if the best things go wrong" This is good advice but it is very hard to do.

I would advise against using "you" a lot in poetry, as it drives people away once they realize that you are trying to tell them to do something. Overall I like the message though.

Hi Nickjay,

I'm afraid I am not going to be quite as raving about your poem as Tammi. I do think, also, that you did a good job with your rhyming. A lot of it was well hidden and I only saw one slip up where you didn't follow your aabb pattern. That doesn't mean you only slipped up once, just that I only noticed once, which is just as good. That means the other places you have a close enough approximation to the rhyme that it didn't matter if it slipped up or not. The once was with "you" and "wrong," so you might want to take a look at that.

Overall the poem seems rather bossy to me. You use a lot of declarative sentences at the end, which takes away from the feeling of personal growth that the poem started with when it was talking in general. I'd like to see that more of an I statement than a you statement because declarative sentences turn me away from a poem. The reason being, it pushes me away as a reader when I disagree with what the poem is saying. In this poem you're claiming that if you just keep trying, eventually you have to succeed, but if you think about it, a man can bash his head against a brick wall trying to get through it forever, and he may never succeed in his lifetime. He also might try to find enlightenment through drugs, alcohol, or laying in the snow, and again, never succeed. If you keep trying to fly, but you always try the same thing, jumping off of something, you're never actually going to get there.

My point is, I can see a way that the poem is flawed in it's reasoning so when I read the bottom "inspirational" declarative sentences, I don't agree with them and that takes me out of the poem. Just like I don't like people telling me what I am in a poem, I don't like people telling me what to believe. The better way to accomplish this is to show it instead. Take a metaphor, take an example out of real life, take an example out of fiction, but using declarative sentences in this poem seems misguided. If you used a speaker's experiences and did a story about them, then I think you would have a better poem.

Overall, good job with your rhymes, but work on your tonality in the second half of the poem.

I hope this helps
-Aley

HALLO!
you made my day(even though its evening already) ;P
Its a beautiful, peaceful, encouraging, simple and sober poem. Basically the kind i appreciate the most simply, because they connect with the reader.
Appreciations-
1) The theme is catchy and "precious."
2)Vocabulary, grammar, rhyme scheme , epithets are all so perfect!(keep it up!)
3) The narrative style of the poem is unique and must say: emphatic.

Suggestions-
1) sentence formation is an important part of poetry, you can surely improve their. Basically.try keeping them short or all of similar length.
2)Try adding punctuation marks , especially in a poem as this it would make reading and understanding the tone of the poem very convenient and effective.

I am so impressed and blinded by this poem.
Hope you keep writing and also that this review proves t be helpful even though it maybe be
just 0.00001%.

Thanks for raising my standards about poems..