Published January 3, 2005
This is a bit of a different type of poem that I wrote. LMK if you like it.
Forest Mornings
In the quiet, early hours of the day
Dark begins to turn to light
Animals everywhere come out to play
In the quiet, early hours of the day
Rabbits and deer scamper away
A flock of birds takes flight.
In the quiet, early hours of the day
Dark begins to turn to light
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139,531 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey there.
I see this never got 2 reviews, so I decided to drop by.
There's two big problems sticking out at me from the first read through and then some more mainly cosmetic things.
Let's talk first about that rhyme scheme, which is feeling very forced to me. At some points, you're basically rhyming the same word "day" with itself, which doesn't give off a good effect. I don't see a need for the word to be repeated so many times outside of the fact that you were trying to force this pattern upon the poem. That's why, as the commenter below me started to say, the poem does not make much sense.
To force the pattern onto the poem, it's causing it to jump all over the place and this is an effect contrary to the wording of the piece. I believe you were going for a rather somber and smooth tone, which is quickly dismissed by a lack of focus. For the title, I was expecting a very different poem, perhaps one far more dependent on imagery than the descriptions currently given.
You did try with a bit of imagery but it's not really a clear description of the setting, it's just random shouting about animals in a certain place. For this to be an effective message, nature poems rely on very heavy imagery descriptions and perhaps actual commentary on how the place feels.
Then we're brought into how the poem is split apart and that it should probably look something more like this.
As the first reviewer was starting to say, you do need some actual punctuation, but you actually do have a good start. I know that punctuation in poetry is a rather controversial opinion but due to the lack of flow apparent in this piece, I'm highly recommending it. Some of the flow issue can be fixed with changing the wording but if you're so in love with it, this is the next best option.
Then we come to the cosmetic issues, which I've started by breaking this poem into a few stanzas. Stanzas are super helpful in making the poem have a better presentation and then easier to interpret. Your message is pretty simple here, so I'm mainly just going to gloss over it.
Further stylistic issues is the capitalization, which is bothering me a lot as a reader. For a poem of this type and mood, it would be more relaxing to go with undercase.
Well that's all.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
Yes, the whole 'animals come out to play' just gives it away. Up till that point, we think, 'OK, I get where she's going'. Then you just think maybe this should be read aloud on Reading Rainbow.
This is stupid. I can't even begin to give you a criticism because all you do is state the obvious in every single one of your poems (except the most recent one). If you could stop doing that and start telling us about how you feel about the statement, your poetry would be much better. of course, once you get to the point where you can tell us how you feel, you begin an entirely different process of writing. I think you have syntax somewhat under control, and most of your writing abilities seem fine, so go ahead, and bump up to the next level, will ya?