Published December 28, 2008
The Monster
Her rhythm is steady
Breathe in, breathe out
Unmoving on pillows
Her serenity, no doubt
From a window creaking
A monster slinks in
Sparkle in his eye
Resolution set in chin
A flash of bright light
The fiend now is gone
A lump of cold gray
Crumpled down on the lawn
A twitch, then he dashes
Refusing defeat
He creeps up the stairs
Footsteps’ uneven beat
He pauses at the door
Then enters with care
Sidesteps a flash
But it doesn’t stop there
Another white glow
He misses just barely
Lunges at the sleeper
Menacing scarily
But a final glowing shield
Brighter than the rest
Puts fear in his eyes
Terror lumps in his chest
He twitches, then vanishes
Never again to return
To bother the sleeping girl
Or guardian angelic fury to learn
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139,444 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
I likey it
I didn't look at the punctuation
It aint my strong point
But I liked it
It was ace!
Or maybe I just say that cos I like creepy stuff
Got any tips except for the fact that I should spell correct even when I dun wanna?
I really liked this.. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but maybe that's the point..?
Anyway, I don't have much to say that hasn't already been said.. punctuation etc.
But I agree with writ3rindisguis3, I'm having issues with the scarily..
But this was really imaginative, so I'll just leave it at that, and think of what happened again.
=]Emily
pretty power imagery there
Extremely cryptic, and in that mystery there is an undeniable draw
This would make great prose.
^^ Very nice ryme...It's enjoyable and flows well. As for periods, commas , ect. It's a basic, but it doesn't really take from the read. A few of your descriptions were shakey, but you managed to smooth out the course as whhole nicely. I'm pesuming she was being watched over by an angel? It's a little difficult to see the meaning though, you seemed pretty focused on the actions the 'moster' was commiting rather the storyline...I dunno. It is good though. Major props. ^^
Oh, great poem! I like it a lot.
I'm assuming an angel was watching over the girl and that all the bright flashes were the angel trying to scare the monster away. Could the monster be the devil? Just wondering.
Loved your word choice in this. Fiend, menacing. Awesome!
When you said, "Menacing scarily", you don't need the word scarily. You already told us that the monster was menacing. You are basically repeating yourself. Maybe come up with something different?
I liked your rhyming and flow. It was very nice.
I'm glad that the monster didn't get to the little girl. My heart is at ease now. =]
Great poem, once again!
Becca
I had issues with your punctuation. Go back and add commas, periods, and semicolons where necessary.
I loved your rhyme scheme. It was subtle, so it wasn't the dominant focus of the poem, and the reader could actually think about the poem insteas of thinking, "Ooh, it rhymes, yay!"
But I have to ask: what does this monster metaphor mean? I felt that you made that unclear.