Published March 24, 2007
Deep blackness consuming,
Eyelids glued down
Slip under my covers
Slowly, so not to disturb
Creatures that thrive in a six year old's mind
Faintly breathing
Courage sought out
Eyes blinked open
Blackness
The first appearance
Slinking through open windows
Descending on my covers
Eyes as big as my fist --- staring
Totally rigid
Imagination reeling
Closet dwelling octopus
Shadow adorned
Waiting for his chance ---
For sleep to grab me
"Nick, are you okay?"
Daddy!
A beacon of light in a shadowy world
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139,498 Literary Works • 672,589 Reviews
Well, I must say this is a very good poem and I liked how you worded it. I do have a little problem with it also.
The words, grammar, and lines are fine in this spot, but the plot isn't. I don't get why his (I think its a boy) father comes into his room asking if he is Ok. It doesn't make sense to me that a father would walk into a room pointlessly. I would add something along the lines of, "I scream out in fear". Yes that doesn't fit the poem, but its information needed.
But that wraps it up. Good job-
Ryuichi
I quite like this.
The way you wrote it very straight forward,
no big descriptions,
makes it interesting to read.
I liked:
''Deep blackness consuming,
Eyelids glued down
Slip under my covers
Slowly, so not to disturb
Creatures that thrive in a six year old's mind
Faintly breathing
Courage sought out
Eyes blinked open
Blackness''
You get all these fabulous images,
and yet its a really different poem,
I definately enjoyed it!
Keep up the writing,
Hiya!
I like this. It reminds me of my struggles as a kid with nightmares.
Some of the reviewers say it's too rushed, or needs punctuation, but I think what you were going for is to portray the desperation and, well, just loss of breath when a kid gets scared. I'd say that commas would be good, but either way, the "choppiness" coincides with the feelings kids get when their imaginations take over.
I liked how in the end it was just Dad, but it also would have been effective if the kid had to fall asleep through this (which is normally what happens...unless they yell for help.)
Anyway, I don't have any nitpicks on grammar or anything, so this'll end my review.
Take care!
Hey
As always, mystery is one of those beautiful literature perks and you've used it brilliantly here.
However, like my fellow reviewer, I am slightly bewildered and this is because of the hurt fluency. Notice that you have very little punctuation. I don't know where to stop or take a breather and that isn't good. Without punctuation you lack rhythm and pace and if you lack that you can't convey the effect and meaning that would truly make this poem fill it's potential.
A good thorough revision will clear this up.
Also try the poetry discussion and tips for some punctuation information.
Hope this helps,
Ben
hello, nick.
when i read this, i read it continuously, and i was confused. maybe you could try using punctuations next time?
it's a good one, i have to say. i like the ending. i've always thought kids really have wild imaginations.
keep it up.
`telle.
Interesting subject. It's tough when you're using the mind of a child as your point of view when your thoughts sound much older than there's would. I don't think there's a problem with this here, except at the end. The very ordinary quote from the father doesn't match the tone of the rest of the poem, and neither does the "Daddy!" exclamation. I would personally gloss over that part. Maybe instead of describing him as her father, use her imagination, portraying him as a bright hero, the way you use her to conjure up the "monster".
Style-wise, you had a problem with choppiness with a lot of your lines. It felt the same as, if you were talking, you kept starting sentences and not finishing them. It not only affected the flow of the poem, but it made your ideas feel disjointed too.
"Faintly breathing
Courage sought out <-- this line especially stuck out. I can't see its place in the poem at all. I tried to figure out who it applies to, what it's referring to, but I just can't make sense of it.
Eyes blinked open
Blackness
The first appearance
Slinking through open windows
Descending on my covers" I think it was especially noticeable here in these lines, but it was there throughout the poem. But it shouldn't be hard to fix. I would concentrate on not using fragments, and I would also add proper punctuation throughout the piece. I think it will read much more smoothly if you do those things.
Good luck!
Ok, so basically I really enjoyed this. My favorite line was:
I know its strange to say that the first line was my favorite, but it was a great hooker or at least I think so. Keep writing and hopefully we will all get to read another poem by you that is even better.
hey!
I think it was great.but this line bugged me"Creatures that thrive in a six year old's mind"I know it goes with the poems central idea but the problem is I found it too long.You can see that when you look at the poem.You can perhaps break it up in two lines.other than that I can't find anything.great job.
...july...
I liked this...
Very mysterious
The ending was, I thought, unusual, but good. I liked the mystery. I would give it 8/10