METH
Nicholas Nadeau
The man had brown hair, brown eyes and a brown scarf on. His nose stuck out like a distorted bone as he sipped his black coffee. The sugar had dissolved into mush after sitting in the milk for a couple hours. He picked up his infant child and kissed him on the head. There was a coffee stain on the childs head that dripped down in his eyes as he moved around in the fathers arms. The father felt his light brown beard as he grabbed a golden watch off the table. He examined it carefully while he sipped his cold coffee. The child moved violently.
“Hey Sam,” said the father, “you wanna see a trick.” He tossed the watch up in the air and caught it again. “Time flies when you’re having fun.” He opened the window, it made a long creaky noise and smelled like rust. He grasped the child strongly and swung the golden watch. He eventually let go, aiming for the window. The golden watch flew as the reflection of the sun stung his eye for an instance. The watch flew out and landed on a car window, cracking it and setting off the alarm. The child laughed.
“Sam,” the father was mad, “do you think this is funny, huh?” He stopped and held his hand over the infant's mouth. “Huh? Do you?” He grabbed the child and tossed him up in the air and caught him again. “Time flies fast when you’re having fun.” He closed the window, it made the same long creaky noise and smelled like rust. He stepped back and swung the child. He let go, aiming for the window. The child screamed as he hit the window with his leg. It shattered the glass and pieces fell down to scratch him. Sam cried and was losing blood fast. The father laughed.
“Sam?” the father continued to laugh. “You need to learn the basics of survival,” and then he stared at me, “ain’t that right honey…” He picked up a knife and came closer. “If you want me to untie you, just tell me.” He had covered my mouth and I couldn’t speak clearly. “I didn’t hear anything, pronounce your words correctly.” He slapped me and he picked up his knife. He raised it up in the air, then stroked me with it gently. He peeled me like an orange, my skin fell off and he picked it up.
“Sam?” the father grabbed him, examining the cuts. “Oh my dear boy is hurt, I know what will fix you up, something to eat?” He picked up my peelings and stuffed them in poor Sams mouth. He continued to cry as he couldn’t handle eating his own mother. The father was still unsatisfied.
He picked up his son. He tossed him up in the air and caught him again. “Time flies when you’re having fun.” He opened the window, it made a long creaky noise and smelled like rust. He swung the infant. He eventually let go, aiming for the window. I had a heart attack, this couldn’t be happening. I struggled and tried my hardest to get up, but there was no hope.
Sam flew into the window, but his onesie was caught on to a piece of broken glass before he could fall out of the six story building. I was crying, I was dying inside. The father picked up the knife, “You shut up woman,” he threw the knife as he said this. The pain was unbearable, the knife hit me in the thigh. My blood leaked out and painted the floor, My hands were tied so I was not able to reach. He went to Sam, who was still crying.
He grabbed another knife that was on the table. He tossed it up in the air and caught it again, this time it went through his hand, he didn’t realize though. “Time flies when you’re having fun.” He grasped the knife strongly and swung it around. He let go, aiming for the window. It penetrated Sam's back and he fell. the knife hit the ground and Sam fell on top of it as he painted the streets.
It was over, life was over, I had bled out too much. Blackness approached.
I killed my son, my wife, and now I see the owner of the car. He had heard the alarm and left the building. He saw the child on the ground and stepped on him. The blood was leaking out intensely. He saw the golden watch, grabbed it. He picked up what remains of Sam and most of him spilled out. He wrapped the golden watch around The half broken head and ran away. I watched him, and jumped out the window to follow him. Blackness approached.
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okay so im gonna confess i've never seen breaking bad. i did hear about it though and your story certainly made me want to give the show a chance. it is generally well written and builds up on insanity, suspense and horror. though sometimes i wasn't sure who was narrating the story.
if you want to increase the horror element you could describe parts of the story in more detail.
the more the detail the easier it becomes for the reader to imagine your scene and imagine it closer to reality.
for example:-
you could mention that the slap stung so someone reading it can feel the sting and pain of the slap.
or the expression on the face of the father, maybe the anger in his eyes or that his eyes showed no mercy.
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i wont point out any grammatical errors or spelling errors(except you spelled storey as story) because i normally don't notice those things and you wrote this story for a human reveiw not one by microoft word!
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overall i think it was a really good one! hope you keep writing and good luck!
This is quite the intriguing piece. However, I found the story a little bit hard to follow. You have a lot of punctuation, word confusion, and capitalization mistakes. One thing I'd suggest doing is typing out this story on Word or a similar program. It will tell you some of your mistakes by underlining them. That would make this story much easier to read. This is a great story. Just work hard on all those little mistakes that break up the flow.
What was it ? A mad father killing his wife and son and then the story is over ? The story was not having any theme but then also you have written it well.
Hi,

This is a good piece of writing and you have explained it really well.
In this it would be better if you throw some light on what his intake was though you have mentioned in the title, it would be better to explain his mental condition rather before explaining what was the aftermath.
The narration of the story and the concept is really good and has a lot of potential, just need a bit clarity on the Father's character. You can put some lines to just explain how the father felt after doing each and every thing like throwing the watch away hurting his baby etc etc.
Nice going, keep up the good work and keep writing
I'm reviewing this later - sounds really good, im hooked but i dont have time to read