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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Can I be honest here? This made me cry. :_( I loved it. Utterly and inexplicably, because it spoke to the depths that make growing up so hard. It's like trying to stand up on one of those computer chairs withe the wheels that spins. One foot- you're screwed. Getting up there- could end in catastrophe. But once you're up there there's no getting down without help and plus why would you want to? You just conquered Mount Everest. Great job. First tears induced by reading works on this site. You get a gold star
This poem was really good! It had excellent rhymes and I really enjoyed it.
I see you are dissatisfied with your title.
Perhaps you can take a line for your poem.
Here are my suggestions.
-A Strait of Change.
-Island built on dreams.
-something about the toll.
I really enjoyed this once again, I particularly liked this line
"Behind me, dreams; in front, the goal"
Good job.
This is perfect for a website specially made for youths. It paints our coming of age in a hopeful, yet almost nerve wracking light. Great Job!! You used wonderful imagery and it flew very well in most places, while on others it could use a little editing. But in general it was a really good poem.
Keep Writing,
Killyouwithwords
Hey Nicholas,
It all fits together perfectly. Although there is another thing I disagree with in this stanza. Cannot dreams and goals be the same thing? If a dream is truly a dream, an crazy ambition you want... is it not the goal? And are not other smaller goals just marks along the path? Think about it and decide whether this is something you want or don't want in your poem.
What a great poem here. It's evident that there are some comparison others will disagree on, but I think this poem is great. I like your choice of words, the meanings in here, and as for rhythm and flow - it's all going steadily.
First stanza: I disagree with how hopelessness can be compared with boredom. For me, those are two different things. Maybe you shouldn't link them together but touch on them separately? I liked how you mentioned the boring décor. Personally, I related that to how staying in a caged room for too long makes it seem like you can't escape, like it's own personal jail. Nice opening stanza, and hooked me for the rest of the poem.
Second Stanza: Good enough on it's own.
Third Stanza: All good, although it seems a bit random. Maybe switch this line so it still remains an example of something natural and must be done, but relates a bit more to the poem as a whole?
Final stanza: Nice summary here. Lovely last line, perfect. And it just shows the way the world goes, and how growing up goes. How you lose innocence as a payment of growing and becoming older. It's something natural and must be done
Deanie x
It's hard to imagine Dreams and fear being made physical as an island to be plain and boring. Perhaps you've created multiple poems in one? By that I mean, you have ideas that would be better off in other works, perhaps.
Does this mean that boring is hopeless?
Second stanza.
Why is the ground so deadly? I mean, you have some decent lines :
Perhaps make this an action where character has a decor and is falling, and tries to do something about it but that messes up. Such as falling toward sharp rocks, while attempting to kick off the wall, they just start tumbling or something.
Third stanza:
Just no. You may want to work on syntax and your intricacy, together that could show you better concise ways to pull things together. Love seems to make no sense here, and with what you've previously described.
Fourth stanza.
Okay, not too shabby... Perhaps you could play around with these ideas and make them more personal and vivid.
Currently, you seem to be creating connections, but you are not working with them as a whole, and only as individual lines. Let one line pick up where the other leaves off, rather than just bring a new idea onto the table without relating them somehow. I mean, anyone can sit there and find some sort of relationship, but it's hard, which makes it hard to understand. When it's hard to understand. You're using what I call blank imagery. Island, waters deep, a strait of change (good idea, bad description), innocence; all are subjective ideas that lack real description. There's nothing guiding them.
So.. I advise: Complexity, wholeness, and chain-link like phrasing, with some sort of transition from one complexity to the next. The transitions can be blank description, but what is transitioned into can not be.
Good luck.
Thank you for the review. I think there's been some confusion as far as what I'm driving at with this, if you don't mind me elaborating? The point of this story is moving from childhood to adulthood, where we dream and are afraid as children, and move to a larger (which is what is meant by "greater") place. I think that might have been confusing. In adulthood, the innocent imagination and creativity are mostly lost, creating a dreary sort of place lacking excitement and the like. We also die as adults, hence the last line of the second stanza. It's hard to become an adult, as is stated in the second stanza, but we all must try eventually (as stated in the third, in a manner that was clearly not to your liking). And, simply, the fourth states that the narrator is making that journey, and it takes a strong person to journey toward adulthood, and a certain loss of innocence or addition of experience to make it as well. I hope it makes better sense in this context.
The more you defend yourself, the less you learn.
Okay, well, what you just elaborated didn't exist in your poem and that's what exist to you. I don't see it. Thanks for deleting my comments.
Sorry about that last part, something went weird on me. My bad.
Deleting? I'm sorry, but I didn't do that. I don't want to come off as conceited and ignorant, and I honestly thought there were a couple misinterpretations. I plan on making revisions.