Published December 15, 2008
Edited 20 times from various people's edits
- Thankyou so much to all those who've edited this!!
American spelling/interpretation included, I hope, I think, in this copy.
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ELLEN
Kassie was waiting for me outside the school gates when I hopped off the bus. Instantly, I could see how crowded the well-irrigated lawns were, signifying that it was indeed the first day of school – our senior year. The air smelled fresh with expectation of the coming school year.
She was bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet, the shine radiating off her long, tanned legs. She had a black tote slung over one arm.
“My one and only Ellen Johnson!” She shrieked as she threw her arms around me in a tight hug.
“Hey, Kass, what’s up?” I asked as we crossed to the towering red door of the high school, pushing it with all my might and heading down long hall. She followed me in, clutching at my shoulder so we wouldn’t get separated.
“I haven’t seen you in ages! Ah, and guess what?” Kassie squeaked into my ear.
“We have ‘Machine-Gun Gracey’ as our homeroom teacher this year?” I turned my head to look into her eyes. Her face fell as I looked at her, her cheeks paling a little.
“We do? Aw, I hate that horrid rapid fire voice of hers. Gives me the creeps!”
“I was only guessing, Kass!” I only rolled my eyes before turning to continue our sedate plod down the hall. I hadn’t noticed the sea of students flowing around us, as if terrified of touching us, like we were a virus. My hand automatically flew to my head. My hair!
“Blonde works - don’t worry.” Kassie shoved me to prove her point, flinging her own blonde hair over her shoulder.
“Thanks, Kass,” I sighed. ”But you’re a bit biased, aren’t you? Remember last summer when you told me my highlights were fantastic, and my dad asked me if I had some rebellion going on I hadn’t told him about?”
“Oh, right, well, this time I’m telling the truth,” she promised, patting my head gently.
“You’d better be.”
“Sure, that’s why I’m your best friend – I tell you the truth…”
“Kass!”
“Okay, sorry, you should ease up on the hair spray next time maybe, if you want total honesty; the top of your head looks solid…”
“Kass…” I warned. She swiftly shut up, dropping her gaze when she lost her words. “What did you have to tell me? What’s the news?”
“Smell that?” Kass stretched up on the tips of her toes, still plodding along behind me. She brought her lips close to my ear, her warm breath unpleasant on my skin.
“No,” I grumbled, pushing her back with my elbow, keeping my own eyes straight ahead, not listening, not caring, not really looking, just moving.
“Pause, close your eyes…” she instructed.
“You’re kidding me, right?” I paused by the water fountain to take a long sip, pleased when the students swarmed away from us to clear a nice path.
“Okay, concentrate on the scent exclusively…” she had both hands on my back, and her voice sounded dreamy.
Rolling my eyes, I slipped my fingers through hers so we couldn’t be separated as we moved back into the centre of the hall and inhaled sharply through my nostrils, allowing my brain to sample each new odor individually. The usual were there, as expected, including the stale aroma of disinfectant chemicals, fierce perfumes, a hint of body odor, beer breath, smoke and oranges, the customary bus snack – the peels made fair projectiles for unsuspecting cyclists.
My breath raced up my throat and escaped my lips in a sudden hiss; my eyes bulged and my nostrils flared.
“What… is… that?” I rasped, my voice sounding foreign and distanced. I struggled helplessly against the urge to surrender to the odor, the most beautiful thing I’ve smelled recently, and let it excite me.
“That’s him.”
“Who?” I took another long gulp of air. The swarms of students were beginning to thin, so Kassie moved to my side.
“My news! There’s a new kid, and he’s scrumptious!”
“Can’t be,” I hissed again. I’d lived in Raymond for eight years and the last time there’d been a new kid at school I was in fifth grade. Kassie shrugged, closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. A voice boomed behind us and we automatically jumped forward in unison, away from the lurking danger, away from the sour odor dispersing the beautiful one, our eyes searching for escape.
“Girls!” Jonesy roared, grabbing us and hauling us to his chest. The beautiful smell disappeared the second he smushed our faces into his smelly shirt that, like the rest of him, reeked of stale body odor and grime. His tall, lanky figure held powerful muscles - our own were far too weak to battle against, though we were trying.
“Did you shower in your own puke this morning, Jonesy?” Kass wrinkled her nose with distaste, not even trying to struggle against his iron grip anymore. He smiled to reveal his crooked teeth with his cheeks folding up into numerous wrinkles, his eyes disappearing entirely.
“No, didn’t have time.”
“To puke? Wow, what a first. What’d you use? The sweat scraped off from under your moms boobs or what?”
Kassie snapped.
“Hey, her boob sweat is a personal issue I prefer not to be discussed outside the family.”
“Wow, sorry.”
“Don’t be, baby,” he leaned right down to whisper something in her ear that made her writhe wildly, her brown eyes wide with terror. He ignored her, clutching her closer, squeezing me at the same time.
Heads turned when our struggles became noisily violent; he winced and shrunk away from us with a low groan, tears of pain prickling in the corners of his eyes, Kass punching the air triumphantly. A punch, with a slide of her illegally long nails down his side worked every time. It had last year and it would this year – when we wanted to rid ourselves of Jonesy, the school loser, Kassie’s volatile fingers worked a treat. People were laughing now, but not at us, at least. Seeing an escape open itself down the hall we dashed between the throngs of students – freshmen to seniors– toward our open homeroom door, breathless when we finally made it through the homeroom doorway.
“Ew, I got some skin,” Kassie shrieked, quickly digging out her nail scissors from her makeup bag in her tote.
“I love you Kass!” I threw my arms around her. Unfortunately hugging her wouldn’t rid us of the putrid smell still lingering on our skin.
“My nails are a force not to be messed with, which he discovered the hard way, didn’t he? At least he won’t go grabbing us again, the jerk.”
’Machine-Gun Gracey’ stalked in, her authoritative voice bringing a dark shadow of silence sweeping through the room in a flat second. Kassie took her seat beside me in the front room – no need to start the year off bad again, at least. When Ms. Gracey had her back turned – a first for the wrinkled prune – my eyes swept the surrounding desks. The only Pacific Islander, Melanie, sat hunched over with her wide chin resting on her chubby hands. The summer hadn’t willed her to attend the gym her rich dad owned, clearly. The anorexic Indian girl, Thalia, had her legs folded beneath her, her eyes glaring back at me. Beside her, Jared, the eldest of the fourteen Hispanic students at the school glared toward the front unmoving, his eyes staring unseeingly at the ceiling.
“Ellen Johnson, I see we’re assessing the class already, are we?”
Ten curious pairs of eyes fired sharpened daggers into the back of my head as I whimpered ‘yes’. A wicked smile crept across her over-glossed lips.
“We’ve learnt from our mistakes, I see? No silence when I ask you a question?”
“Yes, ma’am, I have learnt.”
“Good, just keep responding to me - then I hope we’ll be firm friends, Miss Johnson.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
I cringed back into my seat and, before anybody could actually dig a dagger into my head, I dropped it onto my hands and groaned quietly. Kassie’s bag made a soft thud on the new carpet at her feet, her own groan far from what mine was. The slip of paper that brushed my arm could only be one thing - a horrible thing that would determine the outcome of my year.
“Your schedules are final and you will need permission from your parents and your teacher before moving any classes.”
Schedules. One slip of paper outlining where you are legally required to be every minute of the day from eight-thirty Monday to three-o’clock Friday. With five classes, break, lunch, and homeroom, the schedule clearly defines your classrooms, teachers, and ultimately how your year will be. You can be like me with every class ten miles apart on opposite ends of the school property with only deadline-Nazis as teachers, or you can be like Kassie with classes grouped so close together the longest distance is possibly a fifty second walk at most with only the kindest, slackest teachers exclusively reserved. Since freshmen year she’d floated through while I was left drowning. Not only do schedules either stir or deter the storm cloud that is your future, but they outline your friends, or lack of, your end of year grade, good or bad, and whose parties you’re going to attend. Seventh to eleventh grade Kassie had been in Michael Hansberry’s class, the most god-like creature on the face of the planet. We were lucky to be graced with his mere presence and due to the constant classes with him Kassie had dated him all during freshmen year and most of my sophomore year too, but now they were close friends. And he didn’t date anymore, not until she took him back.
So Kassie's groan was understandably terrifying - not because she'd received a bad classroom location, but because of a far worse reason. Like having a deadline-Nazi teacher like ‘Machine-Gun Gracey’ – Ms. Gracey to her face - or Mr. Booty, who was so paranoid and ferocious and strict not a soul even dared think of ridiculing his name – over the years the legends created about him have been lethal.
Kassie wasn't breathing; she dug her nails into the underside of the desk. She glanced over to where Thalia sat, smiling deviously; Kassie's eyes bulged out of her sockets.
“Kassandra Alexandra Liddle, control yourself or I will force you!” Ms. Gracey screamed.
An ear-shattering screech tore from her lips when her fingers pulverized the wood.
Kassie gulped, but didn’t move, her angelic face frozen with fear.
“What’s wrong, Kass?” I hissed.
“I don’t have a single class… not a single class anywhere near each other!” She cried, throwing her head back to groan.
“Is that all?” I gasped, leaning back in my chair to breathe a sigh of relief. So it wasn’t her teachers, it was indeed just a bad classroom location.”
Ms. Gracey ambled to her student’s side, placing a hand on Kassie’s shoulder. Not a muscle even moved in my best friend’s body; her eyes followed the paper as Ms. Gracey lifted it for examination.
That smile was neither comforting nor promising.
“Seems you’re going to have to trade those heels for sneakers, my dear,” Ms. Gracey laughed throatily, slapping the paper lightly on the desk and ambling back to her own. Behind me Thalia was giggling into her hand, Jared was still glaring ahead, Melanie’s shoulders were shaking with silent laughter, and the remaining students joined in with a splutter of laughter
“S-sneakers?" she stammered, her nails digging deeper into the desk. 'Machine gun Gracey' raised an eyebrow and nodded her head so fast her fat bun wobbled. “Unlatch yourself from the poor desk. I’m sure it’s not designed to survive your assault.”
Kassie flexed her fingers slowly. I leaned across my desk and grabbed the timetable before Kassie could rip it apart. My eyes widened as I read the paper, a slight giggle escaping from my lips. Kassie glared unmercifully at me.
I remember every year’s schedule perfectly, almost as if it was etched into my skin because every year it only got worse. I would have given anything to go back to seventh grade. My classes then were just on opposite sides of the smallest building rather than opposite sides of the campus. The longer my eyes rested all the paper, the harder it was to resist the urge to cry out in laughter.
“Stop laughing!” Kassie whined, her cheeks now flushed, her lips pulled down in a scowl. Behind me the laughter erupted into a fierce roar as the realization hit in its final wave. I couldn’t help but join in when I realized how Kassie – always queen bee with expensive high heels, wearing the latest fashions, and never-had-a-problem-with-school-so-I’ll-just-breeze-through, was about to be ‘de-throned’. For once I’d be better off than her. I was quick to join in, screaming with laughter until we were clutching at our stomachs with tears pouring down our cheeks.
“Oh Kass, I’m so sorry, I truly am, but this is amazing!”
She eyed my own timetable, her frown deepening.
“They must’ve muddled our names or something – you got what I usually get, except Pre Calc and Government!” Kassie said quickly, lines of worry etched into her forehead.
“I doubt it,” my voice faltering; Kassie was grinning mischievously. Bitch. I knew she'd find some way to make them swap our classes, drop her down to Maths in practice, and change to politics.
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This is on another critique site as well as this one, and everybody's vary so vastly, by the time I got to the last few most of it did not apply. Some I do not agree with, and this is getting much better thanks to all of you! And it really is amazing how even the most detailed critiques miss so much others pick up!
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139,504 Literary Works • 672,591 Reviews
This is amazing, and I only found one typo:
“Is that all?” I gasped, leaning back in my chair to breathe a sigh of relief. So it wasn’t her teachers, it was indeed just a bad classroom location." (extra ")
Other than that, I LOVED IT!!!!!! Wonderful!
Hi niccy!
I'm off to read chapter 2 like you requested (sorry for the ridiculously long wait).
This was very intriguing! I really enjoy your description and dialogue. I laughed quite a few times.
There was absolutely nothing here to critique! Except for this:
Remove the last quotation mark.
Nice job! Gold star.
Prepare for a thorough review on the next chapter!
*anti-pop
I'm physically unable to tell a short story as well.
First, a few nitpicks that I don't think have been already pointed out:
Comma after horrid and "rapid-fire" is hyphenated. You always put a comma when you're listing adjectives that describe the same noun.
"...as if terrified of touching us, ..." doesn't make any sense by itself. Adding "they were" to it makes it a legit clause. Also, although it is correct, I don't suggest putting in two clauses at the end.
"...as if... like we were a virus." Make the last one, "like we were a virus," into its own sentence.
I hadn't noticed the sea of students flowing around us, as if they were terrified of touching us. We were like a virus to them.
Obviously, that lame attempt is just to demonstrate. If you want to continue the oceanic metaphor, try finding out what the name of some underwater virus is (nothing extreme, of course) and using it. Meh, it might work
Comma where indicated - compound sentence.
Comma where indicated - compound sentence.
This should be on one line because "Kassie snapped." was originally meant to be right after her quote, right?
State that the teacher is talking here. You put so much detail into the previous paragraph, I had forgotten it was supposed to be here. Distracted a little. Just put in the *insert name, insert verb, period* after the quote.
I'd start a new sentence where indicated; that way it's not too wordy for one sentence and doesn't have too many clauses in it.
Comma, compound sentence.
Take out the "but" here, it is unnecessary.
Commas - first for the compound sentence, second for the introductory phrase. However, this entire sentence is way too wordy; separate it into at least two sentences somewhere, and it will flow much better.
Random quotation mark at the end?
Period at the end
You've been hyphenating so far; put it in here, too.
There needs to be a dash here instead of a comma; you put in a dash at first to set off a phrase, you need a second dash where you finish it.
This isn't a "sentence" here.
"I doubt it," I replied, my voice faltering;
You need your subject-verb inserted here.
Don't capitalise "Maths"
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Mkay, this was hilariously entertaining. Compound sentences don't like you that much, though, lmao. Just remember to put in your commas where they are needed. Great job
Aw Ash.. it's were, with us being all writers and such...
Aw thanks! This ^ is all brilliant! When I do more crtis I'll donate more... I'm falling behind lately.
New Years Reso right there.
Hey!
First of all I just want to express how awesome your story is. I don't have much to say - all the other critiquers pretty much raked it up.
I was a little confused as to the whole scent thing. Are these humans, or vampires? Are we not supposed to know yet? Because humans wouldn't be able to smell like that.
Also, Kassie's whole reaction to the schedule thing (particularly if she's a vampire) was really extreme. I mean, seriously. Screeching and crunching up desks with her fingers? Sounds a little insane to me.
Haha... okay, this whole exchange was hilarious and very realistic. I've witnessed almost identical conversations between other friends, so kudos on that. However, I was a little confused as to whether he was a friendly giant, so to speak, with an odor problem? Or are they afraid of him as you make it sound in the end?
Okay... that's all I have. I'm off to chapter two. Nice job!
Cheerio,
MademoiselleKool
It irks me how often you are using the narrator's best friend's name at the end of almost everything she tells her.
The story is also very dragged out and boring. If you were to cut it much shorter and stop over-elaborating on everything it has the potential to be a whole lot better.
Hey, Nic. I just want to thank you right now before I forget for all your super helpful critiques on Poisoned Roses. You have no idea how helpful they all where =)
That last little blurp about senior year and such doesn’t really help the flow. Maybe try something like: …signifying that it was indeed the first day of our senior year at the school. or something like that.
Instead of saying “She” at the beginning, I would use Kass’s name just so the reader doesn’t get confused.
I’m not sure if I ever mentioned this to you before but in dialogue, there is a sort of rule. For example:
”Hey, Jo, how are you?” she asked with a knowing smile.
”Just dandy, Kali,” she said with a slight up-turn of her lips.
Okay, you see how there is a comma after “Kali” and then there is a lowercase “s” on “she” in each sentence. You have to remember to apply those to all your dialogue. Also, you always have a comma before someone’s name when you are addressing them.
Now, returning to yours, this is how it would look:
”My one and only, Ellen Johnson!” she shrieked as she threw her arms around me in a tight hug.
See the difference? I just thought I would mention this since I don’t think I have before
It is “palling” not “paling”
You use “only” pretty close to each other here. I suggest cutting out the second one.
Whoa! =0 A little too much description here. Maybe try: [b]…keeping my own eyes straight ahead, not bothering to listen to her, but also not really caring; I just concentrated on keeping my feet moving forward.
No need to include anything after “Jonesy” because you already explained the nail thing in the previous sentence.
Comma after “you”
“Learnt”? I would use “learned” Sounds more like a teenager that way. =)
Lowercase “s” on “she”
~ ~ ~ ~
All right, Nic, it is obvious that you have worked hard on this and I can’t praise you enough. This was so much easier to read. I really have no other complaints than what I mentioned above so yeah…
Great job on the rewrite!
You bring up good points, ChernobyllyInclined, but this is under constant work on about 3 different forums I'm on...
So the end result is going to be major different.
This is just the beginning anyway, and your points were appreciated. But everybody has different ideas, and for now this is staying the way it is. In the future I may completely rewrite it, who knows. Right now I am in the cannot-be-stuffed mood to (after 2 months of 5 rewrites behind me) really do much more other than follow what people have suggested and correct small sections.
It was a much appreciated review thanks
Highschool is so boring. Unless you're going to blow up the school in the middle and send everyone to the unknown Virtuoso region of San Derinina.
I commend you for the fact that you actually seem to understand the basics of English grammar and punctuation--most Twilighters don't--and I also appreciate your slightly less bland dialogue. But you're writing Twilight, my friend, and it's already been done. For your own health and for others, use your imagination. I don't doubt your potential...try to introduce a little anarchy. No, anarchy isn't the word. But that quote from Dark Knight threw me off.
If you insist on writing about highschool, vampires, or highschool vampires, at least shove a jagged knife in it and give it a twist it won't forget. For instance, the highschool is located underground to escape the radiation of a nearby nuclear disaster, and the vampire is a substitute teacher (not ridiculously hot) and is only there to mess with people and frighten kids into wondering about the meaning of life--something he doesn't have and is perhaps a little bitter that he doesn't have.
It's lonely in a vampire highschool romance. I can see the terror of repetition and droll of infinite numbers of attractive people. I'm begging you: write something else.
Anyway, what you have here isn't bad. But that is only because what you are trying for is very small. And I say all of this in an encouraging way. I simply wish for less cliche and more interesting stuff to read on YWS. Be the miracle!
'Kay, hi, here I am. Sorry it took a while.
Okay. I just need to ask a question. Why are the timetables so important? You explained a little of it in that one paragraph, but it doesn't seem very believable to compare getting a lousy timetable with losing the throne. It just isn't.
Overall, this was nice to read, and by nice, I mean just nice. Not great, but not bad. You have some sentences and ideas that are a little hard to understand at first, but your style of writing is quite flexible and flowing. I could also find some punctuation errors, but not many. Your characterization of Kassie was good. The narrator lacks some personality at the moment, but then again, this is only the first chapter. You'll have plenty of time.
Thanks for the read and good luck!
Demeter xxx
Good story. I can easily visualize the line about the yellow dress easily showing that one of the characters had anorexia because this one singer that I'm a fan of had this dress or more of an outfit, anyway it easily showed that she had anorexia. It was perhaps one of the ugliest outfits that I've seen. Sorry about my rambling. Really good story.
^^ You all have 100 points more now!
Edited 5 times from various people's edits
---
ELLEN
The one issue I have with this paragraph is the part that reads:
I would rewrite this as:
Red door? What shade of red? Was it old? Did it have cracks in it, was it made of wood? When they opened it what noise did it make? In this part I think you should add a bit more information. I think personally it should be:
What? Why do the students avoid them like a virus?
Ok; this would work better as:
I don't think you need the and in this line.
I like the description here
This line made me laugh so much
Comma or full stop after muscles. I think you should describe the doors more here too as mentioned before
You don't need blatantly and obviously in the one line seeing as they mean the same. comma
This was good. I feel that your biggest area on this piece is going to be character development. It's going well already xD, the way the teachers have nicknames reflects the characters, and so you are developing them already. I look forward to seeing where this piece goes. Your grammar was good, and please remember that I only point out the bits that could be fixed so that I don't give a useless review, you'd rather have a helpful, harsher critique than a lying soft critique, right? If you were to choose one area to improve I'd say imagery. Your description is good, but description and imagery are not the same thing. The description of people is great, but we want some imagery, give us some more similes, some metaphors. Nice uses of language in points though, just make sure to include it in some other parts of the piece. Over all though, it was really good
and what's more, I hate vampire stories but this one was actually ok - and ok for a vampire story by my standards is actually fantastic - I was shocked at how good it was for a vampire story
-Kirsten *-)
Ok, im awful at nitpicking and grammar my self so I wont comment on that! Any way, one thing confused me. Do they have special smelling powers or some thing? because they were like smelling every thing when they first got into the school. but besides that I really enjoyed your writing style. it was nice and refreshing and I too am writing a vampire romance and you are (so far) suprisingly unlike stephenie meyer is in a wonderful way! I do love stephenie but I have read so many twilight words for words that I may puke. But I really liked it so kudos!
niccy_v: In your own words, "this is brilliant!"
It really is!
I have a probelm with this sentance, however.
It is to long. Try to break it into Two sentances, aloung the lines of:
"Good, just keep responding to me.(PERIOD) Then I hope we`ll become firm friends, Miss Johnson."
There were a few misspellings.
Misspelling of odor (or maybe it`s just my computer.)
Even though you are describing, this sentance is just toooo long.
Try:
The usual smells of disinfectant chemicals, fierce perfumes, a hint of body odour, beer breath, smoke and oranges.
As rocking, funny (and true) as the extra info on the orange part is- the bus and cyclist part, I`d chuck it, unless you can make it fit in.
Misspelling of "hospitalized". As werid as it seems, hospitalized is spelled with a z.
Misspelling of "pulverized". Z strikes again!
You wrote "were" twice.
You wrote "about" twice
Those were the only mistakes I found in Spelling/grammar
And on the ending?
Maybe the new kid, the yummy smelling one could walk in and hand the teacher a note, melt the Mc, then walk out, leaving everyone breathless?
That`s what I would do, but you could leave it the way it is.....
"Brilliant!"
I'd cut out the whole "indeed" thing. I'd rewrite it as something like: "Instantly, I could see how populated the well-irrigated lawns were, the mass of students signifying it was the first day of school after all."
Our . . . what? You literally left the sentence hanging.
Added a comma after "hey".
Um. I know you live in Australia, but you are writing about a girl living in Washington, right? Well, we don't call them "corridors" here. We call them "halls" or "hallways". Take your pick.
Added a comma after "works".
Added a comma after "thanks."
Added all of the things in bold font.
I agree with ashley. That first sentence is way awkward, and it would be prudent to change it to something more natural.
Pay no attention to this comment if you don't like it! It actually isn't wrong at all. But, as I said, since you're writing about a girl in America, these words are politically incorrect to us Americans. But you don't have to change them because you do not live in America. I was just pointing them out . . .
We call it "fifth grade."
I don't get this. What did she do wrong? Is looking at other people illegal?
Just another politically incorrect thing. What we call "timestables" are the multiples of numbers in multiplication in Math. I'm guessing "timestables" needs to be changed to "schedules". But you don't have to if you don't want to.
How would the teacher know her full name and middle name? Are they personally related?
Can you give the teacher a proper name? This is about the sixth time you've said 'Machine-Gun Gracey' and it is wearing a little thin. Perhaps give the teacher a proper name and slip in the nickname every once in a while.
Yeah, this is a bit much.
What's "American law"? I've never heard of it before. Also, add a period at the end.
Hmmm. Well, maybe you could end it by having the class end or having Kassie leave because she's ticked off. I would be anyway . . .
The only way I can think of to make the ending better would be fore Ellen to actually meet the vampire, or at least glimpse him. Come to think of it, glimpsing would be preferable.'
OVERALL: It was a good beginning. Your characters are developing themselves perfectly, and I liked the part with the smelly-geeky guy, Jonesy, because we all know someone like that.
One thing I would suggest is to put a little mystery into the story. From the beginning paragraphs, there wasn't really something that drew me in. Perhaps write a short prologue or something. Maybe mention the new guy earlier, I liked that.
~Sunny
Okay!
So, very good. Thumbs up for that. Here's all you need to pay attention to;
[b]Tenses - Keep an eye on your tenses; you switch from present to past often.
Capitalization - You sometimes capitalize things in mid-sentence. Just remember to keep an eye on that.
Sentence length - Your variation kind of... I don't know how to say this without sounding mean; but what I'm trying to say is, you vary your sentence length, yes, but you kind of cluster them together... like you have 5 short sentences in a row, and then 5 long ones. Then comes the two medium... and so on. That's pretty exaggerated, but I was just saying what I mean.
Clarification - It gets confusing! Pay attention to how you layout the story! I became confused easily. It was hard to tell who was saying what so most of the time I was taking guesses.
Aside from that it was great! I can't wait to find out more about this new student, and I'd like to know who is a vamp and who isn't. I'm guessing Kassie and Ellen are vamps? Don't tell me! Leave it for the suspense, lol.
General Impression: The general impression this story gave me was the typical high-school/teenage drama with the modern vampiric twist to it. This is the only vampire story I have ever taken interest in, and I would certainly love to read more. The plot seems developed, although I can't say that the sentence were written perfectly. If you could just tighten up your sentences a bit, then that would be great. Best regards
---
Your faithful critiquer!
June
Ah thankyou (lol 1.07am! Had to stay awake long enough to get this haha you're such a good reviewer!)
My hero ashleylee. I have this submitted in another forum as well, and once i have a few, i'll set up the second chapter. They go a little slow... i don't tell a short story haha!
but thanks!
Hey, Nic! Here I am, ready to review. Hopefully it helps!
Okay, first, this sentence is all carbs and no protein (excuse my use of bad similies
I'm guessing that she just dyed her hair blonde, so she's worried if it looks okay or not... however, I'm not sure why other students are avoiding them like a virus. Explain more.
This is worded funny. Maybe try: "Okay, only cocentrate on your sense of smell..." or something like that.
I don't think "critters" really fits here. Use something more deadly.
How can the MC know that she is giggling in her head? Expand more.
This seems a little melodramatic. I mean, yeah, I would laugh, but not get so close that I was crying
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No, not yet at least
Yes, I love them! They were what kep the story alive, even though that your last edit was Twilight-ish. They are so easy to relate to. Good job with them
No, I liked. I would have kept reading
Yes, I think the rating is appropriate. I mean, you have the beer stuff and the slight swearing, but it isn't extreme. I mean, you wouldn't have to if you didn't want to, but I would keep it just so people know
Well, I think that covers everything. PM me when you post more!
Okay i am sorry the vampism doesn't actually come out till next chapter gah. But i am physically unable to tell a short story which translates into I cannot make anything i write to the point. I tend to drag a little. Hence ^^ is just introductory more or less developing their friendship.
Vamp romance does come.... but i can't tell a short story. it took me hours making the 78 page beast into chapters i could post... haha
Any reviews are greatly appreciated guys. Truly, it would mean the world