Stepping Into Static - Chapter 2 [Edited]

Hey niccy.
On to the requested review.

“You got lost? Oh you poor thing, please take a seat, you have not missed much dear.”

My eyes dislodged from his perfect face up to Miss Hale’s warm, yet forcefully stern eyes Most of the class, including the handsome boy, were staring at me now.

It was a huge full-screen shot of twenty women in pink bikinis with calligraphy draped all across them, derogatory remarks dominating. Nathan smirked and Gregory baulked. Before anybody else noticed I closed the webpage, my heart hammering in my chest so loudly it pounded in my ears. A disgruntled snort made me shrink down in my seat.

Behind him sauntered a chunky redhead, her long, dead-straight hair bouncing lightly on the curve of her pale lower back as she glided toward the tray piles. She was tall, even if she didn’t sport the five-inch heels. But she – while being a redhead – didn’t come across as being wild, if anybody believes in those stereotypes anymore. She had a chunkily proportioned body - thick arms and legs, small chest, roll of baby fat leaning over her belt and a chubby, scowling face with ugly blotches matching the new boy.

She had a soft face with sharp eyes, and while not being overly pretty, she wasn’t ugly either.

“Armel is beautiful sure, but he’s got a girlfriend Kass.”

Lol, I get what you said about people thinking it was basically a Twilight fanfic. It does resemble it in ... well just about every way Then again, it's vampire romance set in a high school... like always... there's not much anyone can do differently

---

I'm going to assume that all of my little nitpicks have all ready been pointed out, so I'll just mention a few things here:

As usual, I sat in the back row furthest from Miss Hale

And yes, I’m Jonah Sparks, thankyou for being the first teacher to know my name!”

his face which, was by comparison to any boy in the room, horrifyingly discoloured.

Hello at last, Hell. I missed you so much!

Indonesian Diplomat turned teacher

I like it - very good continuation from the first chapter. I'm still confused as to what the main character is. I'm probably stupid and skipped over some critical information at the beginning, but if she's a human she wouldn't be able to smell anybody like that unless he was wearing a very strong aftershave.

Anyway, I'm reading the edited version in which Jonah has blotchy skin, which I LOVE. I don't know what it was like before (i'm assuming Jonah had an Edward-complex ) but this is a thousand percent better. These characters are so much more unique and real. Seriously. Vampirism is a disease - why would it make somebody perfect? This modern sentiment about vampires just never made sense to me.

But she – while being a redhead – didn’t come across as being wild, if anybody believes in those stereotypes anymore. She had a chunkily proportioned body - thick arms and legs, small chest, roll of baby fat leaning over her belt and a chubby, scowling face with ugly blotches matching the new boy.

Hey, Nic. Again, I’m just going to try to point out things that I haven’t noticed before or on the things you have changed.

They flanked me on either side like two guard dogs because, with their black hair, muscular bodies and incredibly dangerous expressions printed permanently on their faces, it’s what they look like to an outsider like Miss Hale.

They kept their inner-softness to themselves.

“Sorry for being so late, but this is my first day, and my schedule is awfully confusing,” he murmured softly in a thick Scottish accent.

“And yes, I’m Jonah Sparks, thankyou for being the first teacher to know my name!”

Awkward blotches of red curled around his neck and reached up around the right side of his face.

The perfection of his face was framed by short black waves.

I decided to breathe through my mouth since my nose could not cope, realising my brain was deprived of oxygen enough.

Michael Hansberry – the hottest boy I had ever met - was a frog compared to this prince.

My eyes dislodged from his perfect face up to Miss Hale’s warm, yet forcefully stern eyes Most of the class, including the handsome boy, were staring at me now.

“It’s not fair!” She moaned, dropping her head onto her folded arms.

“I don’t have any sneakers!” She wailed.

”Don’t be mean Kass, I’m sure there’s some sort of explanation.”

“Armel is beautiful sure, but he’s got a girlfriend Kass.”

I frowned, analysing him in a new light.

My frown deepened when I realised how horrible the words sounded on my tongue.

“Get real. The joke is a little old anyway Kassie.”

His knowledge on America was so vast we struggled to remember he’d lived in Indonesia all his life, though he’d travelled more frequently than a gypsy.

And when I stepped into the parking lot after school I could see his see his black eyes watching me, following me, from within his small car.

“Sorry for being so late, but this is my first day[s], and[/s] . My schedule is awfully confusing,” he murmured softly in a thick Scottish accent. "And yes, I’m Jonah Sparks, thank you for being the first teacher to know my name!”

“You got lost? Oh, you poor thing! please take a seat. You have not missed much, dear.”

“Armel is beautiful, sure, but he’s married, Kass.”

Hi, niccy!

I’d completely forgotten about the smell until it hit me in third period Webpage Design. As usualcomma I sat in the back row furthest from Miss Hale; Why the semi-colon? Period would be just fine. I’d taken this course since eighth grade but only this year was made marginally better by Gregory and Nathan Brywn. Clear up the idea They flanked me either side like two guard dogs because, with their broad shoulders, black hair, tanned skin, muscular bodies and incredibly dangerous expressions printed permanently on their chiselled, dimpled faces, it’s what they looked like to an outsider like Miss Hale. The sentence is a little too long and wordy: could you ditch some words? They kept their inner-softness to themselves. This was her first year, She's talking about the teacher? Clear it up. so we weren’t listening to her as she droned on about copyright and appropriate internet usage and briefed us on the tracking devices the Technical Support Centre had installed and how every click we made on any school computer - -rentable laptops include - was logged for the year. She’d begun to warn us how quickly we’d damage our futures for merely clicking on a wrongful site when it hit me.

This is only the first paragraph, but there are still long sentence overload. It makes the flow somehow panting, and it's difficult for the reader to focus on the story, when they are only trying to understand the sentences. You need to shorten things up: divide the sentences, ditch some unneeded information etc.

At firstcomma it was a light breeze introduced by the opening of the door that leads directly onto the quadrangle, but with it came the smell. A little awkward. Can you say "the smell came with it"? It's not the same, but it sounds better. I closed my eyes and inhaled; the air was suddenly thick with it, saturated to molecular combustion, I mused. Gregory tensed when he smelt it, his shoulders heaving up ever so slightly,Stop the sentence here. but his brother relaxed visibly, his own eyes closed when I peered at him curiously. His wide nostrils flared.

“Oh, hello!” Miss Hale’s heels clicked as she crossed the room.

“Sorry [s]I am[/s] for being so late, but this is my first day, and my timetable has not been handed to me yet.” Who says this? At first, I thought it was the teacher, but now I'm not so sure.

“You got lost? Oh you poor thing, please take a seat, you have not missed much.” Does the teacher say this?

I surrendered to my desire funnily phrased, but I guess it's fine and pushed away from the desk, swivelling around so I could observe the new student. If he looked as good as he smeltcomma a scolding would be just fine. I was unprepared for his reaction – nobody could be prepared for this.

His eyes locked onto mine the split second I looked at him. They were an intense coal black, contrasting against the unnaturally pale skin of his face. One might liken them to buttons, but i missing capitalization thought they were weird. His face was flawless. Even from across the room I could see how perfectly smooth it was, not a single discoloration or slightest wrongdoing about it, apart from the slightly uneven ridge of his nose. He clutched a navy blue binder to his chest, a long, flat black pencil case laying flat on top trapped by the strong hands reaching out over the spine. They, too, were fiercely pale, the thin blue veins rising up to the surface of his skin when he flexed them. I blinked twice, but he didn’t look away, just stood and stared at me, assessing me, as if trying to place me. So I took the chance to, whilst filling my lungs with as many breaths of the delicious scent as I could, assess him.

He wore simple, ordinary clothes that wouldn’t draw attention to him in any unwanted form. The black jeans were loose yet hugged his waist slightly enough to compliment the soft curve of his hips and their gentle width. A gray long-sleeved shirt buttoned all the way down was tucked into his jeans, the top button undone to reveal a tiny sliver of pale skin. A bulky black scarf wrapped around his thick neck three times, concealing the entire length of it, descending across the top of the binder and dropping over the tops of his thumbs. The perfection of his face was framed by short black waves. His lips were full and pulled into the tiniest smile when I blinked again. Just as soon as it was there it was gone, his face slackening, returning to the concentrated stare he cast across the room.

With all the description, the story slows down too much. You could drop some description here, some there – not stuffing it all together. It's much more delicate. Then again, you might want specifically to pause the story...

Did he just smile at me? I decided to breathe through my mouth since my nose could not cope, deciding my brain was deprived of oxygen enough, but the moment I didcomma my body convulsed and I inhaled sharply through my nose, leaning forward the slightest bit. Michael Hansberry was a frog compared to this prince. Nice touch.

The boy slid down easily into the front row, sitting alone, clicking the button on the front of the bulky computer, a grin flickering across his full lips when the screen flashed to life, joined by a slight groan from the computer component.

“Now, class, your task for today is to browse Google images for different styles of photo editing from altercation of lighting, including backlighting, to addition of flash, compilations of multiple images, framing, cropping, collages, and selective editing. I do not expect you to know them all yet, and I will give you a book tomorrow, but for now you will just have some relaxing fun. Is there a problem, Miss Johnson?”

My eyes dislodged from his perfect face up to Miss Hale’s slightly angry one, her eyes narrower than I remembered. She had her hands on her hips and to my humiliation, most of the class, including the handsome boy, were staring at me.

What did she do?

“No, Miss Hale, not at all.”

“So why are you still looking at the front when your computer is behind you?” Ah.

“Er…”

“Ellen!” Gregory elbowed me a little too hard, my body automatically scrunching toward his brother, who just shrugged.

“Ellen?” It was Miss Hale, and the frustration in her voice was undeserved. Rolling my eyes, I swung my chair back around, ignoring the blood rush, and double clicked on the first image under ‘photo manipulation’. It was a huge full-screen shot of twenty women in pink bikinis with calligraphy draped all across them, derogatory remarks dominating. Nathan smirked and Gregory baulked. Before anybody else noticed I closed the webpage, my heart hammering in my chest so loudly it pounded in my ears. A disgruntled snort made me shrink down in my seat.

Hello at last, Hell. I missed you so much! Nice touch, again. Though I couldn't help thinking, has she already been to Hell?


“Enjoying living my nightmare?” I slid my tray down beside Kassie’s. She poked her soggy potato around the plastic plate absent-mindedly, tears gleaming on her olive cheeks.

“It’s not fair!” She moaned, dropping her head onto her folded arms. I stroked her back for a minute, then pulled my hand back to scoop my peas into my mouth before they dried and pruned. The last thing I wanted was to be reminded of Machine-Gun Gracey when I was eating something green – it was hard enough stomaching greens without old, wrinkled women flashing through my head. I shuddered automatically. Kassie just groaned again and stamped her foot.

“Don’t be sorecomma Kassie, it’ll get better.”

“Shut up!”

“Why? Oh, I feel déjà vu coming on, don’t you?”

“Sure,” she groaned.

“Oh, wait, no, it’s reversed this year. I remember this day for the last four years… what did you say last year? Wait, I think it was don’t worry El, school is meant to suck, so put up with it. It’s only luck some get the good straw. Stick in there and fight the system.”

“Shut up!”

“Take your own advice, hey I'd prefer "eh?" over "hey?" here. Kass? It’ll do you good to get some exercise.”

“Not fat jokes too!”

“No, but you’ll have to ditch the heels.”

“I don’t have any sneakers!”

“Borrow mine, I have plenty.”

“Thanks.”

We sat in silence until I’d completed the soggy meal. I stole her lemonade can and gulped it in two mouthfuls.

“Oh, guess who was in my Webpage Design class?”

“Who?”

“Act like you want to knowcomma Kass, I always do!”

“Fine. Who was it?”

“That nice smelling guy!” Hehe.

Her head shot up, a hand automatically stroking her bangs back.

“Serious? Wow!”

We both turned to gaze at the door when our noses zoned into the scent. Absolutely delicious.

“No way…” we murmured in unison as a handsome man with soft features and shoulder length brown curls entered, walking with the ease of an angel. Behind him sauntered a chunky blonde, her long, dead-straight hair bouncing lightly on the curve of her pale lower back as she glided toward the tray piles. She was tall, even if she didn’t sport the five-inch heels. But she – while being blonde – was definitely no Pamela Anderson. She had a perfectly proportioned body but she had thick legs and a scowling face, a roll of baby fat over her belt, a small chest, thick arms and a chubby face. It looked, from where I sat near the back, a smile had never touched those full lips, though it did when she smirked up at the man who swept a long arm around her waist, gently squeezing her closer to him. Her too-tight midriff top revealed a little too much skin, pale like the man’s, but somehow she wasn’t cringe worthy. She had a soft face with sharp eyes, and while not prettycomma she wasn’t ugly, either.

They made no noise when they picked up a tray each and filled it with mushy potato. The man put a hand around her shoulders as they completed their migration through the cafeteria to the table in the centre of the room. The boy looked up – I hadn’t even noticed him sitting there, though there he was, centred in the room. Every pair of eyes was trained on them, watching the blonde shuffle close to the bigger man, his wide shoulders hunched forward.. A kind smile lit up his entire face when she draped her left leg over his right knee; she rested her head on his shoulder, her long hair cascading down his back as well as hers.

“They smell so delicious,” I whispered.

“His name is Jonah,” Kassie whispered back, leaning in close. “That’s his brother Armel and his wife Celeste. I think their names mean Stone Prince and Heavenly, or something along those lines. Though she’s not as heavenly as her name suggests. Sure she has the blonde but I mean… has she heard of Jenny Craig? I’m sure Jonah means Dove in Hebrew… I remember it from last year’s language week.”

How does Kassie know their names? And how can she know/remember what the names mean? She doesn't seem like a girl who remembers what she learns at school.

“Cool.”

“How beautiful is he?”

“Gorgeous.” I didn’t need to ask her who she meant. While Kassie never settled with one man exclusively, when somebody had a girlfriend, as the girl so demonstrated seconds after sitting, Kassie never interrupted. I don't understand this sentence.

“I wish I had the guts to speak to him.”

“Yeah, who doesn’t in here?”

“I wish I could see into his mind.”

“Why?”

“So I can see if I have a chance.”

You could add at least one "Kassie said" or "I said" here. Without them, I thought Kassie was speaking Ellen's lines and vice versa, until I realized the real deal.

“He’s probably got a girlfriend from whatever dark place he came from,” I mused, unable to keep the longing from my voice. Kassie frowned, analysing him in a different light now.

“You’re probably right, about the dark place. Did he live under a rock all his life? Seriously get a load of their skin!”

“It’s freaky.”

“Yeah, so freaky!” I agreed, though my words felt wrong on my tongue. It seems you got confused about the speaker, too. Here Ellen is agreeing with herself.

“He’s so gorgeous though, it’s not fair.”

“I wonder if he has lived beneath a rock all his life…” This was just said seconds ago. Why is it there again?

“Get real.”

“Get real? Sure, he can’t be real.”

We moped for a little while, deciding we’d rather sit here staring at him and be depressed than be happy anywhere else. We both had English 3 with Mr Newbill, an Indonesian Diplomat turned teacher as of eight months ago. His knowledge on America was so vastcomma we struggled to remember he’d lived in Indonesia all his life, though he’d travelled more frequently than a gypsy.

His class was the usual: slack off day, the beginning of a gentle slope leading to exams in early January. He warned us exams would creep up on us and we’d be too busy partying to study over the break, so we should begin revising previous years’ work to give a decent head start. Of course none of us listened; too busy buzzing about the new three-some from lunch to talk about anything else. If she didn't listen, how can she remember what he said?

Hey, Niccy! Can't wait to read this. Give me a moment, and I'll give you a fantastic review . . .

Before reading: I am very prepared for any stuff you have to say on 'twilight likeness'. This is definitely the dodgiest chapter in terms of dumbing down on the twilight factor. In its original state this was by far the hardest section to edit. No worries, Twilight is not a factor in this story

All right: Bold is my corrections, italics is when I am referencing something, and strike through is what it is.

ELLEN [her point of view to clarify]

I’d completely forgotten about the smell until it hit me in third period Webpage Design. As usual I sat in the back row furthest from Miss Hale; I’d taken this course since eighth grade, but [s]only[/s] this year was made marginally better by Gregory and Nathan Brywn. They flanked me either side like two guard dogs because, with their broad shoulders, black hair, [s]tanned skin,[/s] muscular bodies and incredibly dangerous expressions printed permanently on their [s]chiselled, dimpled[/s] faces, A lot of good imagery here, but it slows the sentence down. it’s what they looked like to an outsider like Miss Hale. They kept their inner-softness to themselves.

New paragraph. This was her first year, so we weren’t listening to her as she droned on about copyright and appropriate internet usage and "briefed" us on the tracking devices the Technical Support Centre had installed and how every click we made on any school computer - -rent-able laptops included - was logged for the year. She’d begun to warn us how quickly we would damage our futures for merely clicking on a wrongful site when [it] Italicize this. hit me.

At first it was a light breeze introduced by the opening of the door that leads directly onto the quadrangle, but with it came the smell. I closed my eyes and inhaled; the air was suddenly thick with it, saturated to molecular combustion, I mused. Gregory tensed when he smelt it, his shoulders heaving up ever so slightly, but his brother relaxed visibly, his own eyes closed when I peered at him [s]curiously.[/s] His wide nostrils flared. Nostrils flaring would suggest that he is not relaxed.

“Oh, hello!” Miss Hale’s heels clicked as she crossed the room.What does her voice sound like right here? Is she glad to see the mystery man at the door?

“Sorry I am so late, but this is my first day, and my timetable has not been handed to me yet.”Describe his voice also; but don't make it too extensive.

“You got lost? Oh you poor thing, please take a seat, you haven't missed much.”

I surrendered to my desire and pushed away from the desk, [swivelling] Misspelled: swiveling. around so I could observe the new student. If he looked as good as he smelt a scolding would be just fine. ButI was unprepared for his reaction – nobody could be prepared for this.

His eyes locked onto mine the split second I looked at him. They were an intense coal black, contrasting against the unnaturally pale skin of his face. One might liken them to buttons, but I thought they were [weird.] Maybe find a better word for this? His face was flawless. Even from across the room I could see how perfectly smooth it was, not a single discoloration or slightest wrongdoing about it, apart from the slightly uneven ridge of his nose. He clutched a navy blue binder to his chest, a long, flat black pencil case laying flat on top trapped by the strong hands reaching out over the spine. They, too, were fiercely pale, the thin blue veins rising up to the surface of his skin when he flexed them. I blinked twice, but he didn’t look away, just stood and stared at me, assessing me, as if trying to place me. So I took the chance to, whilst filling my lungs with as many breaths of the delicious scent as I could, asses him.

He wore simple, ordinary clothes that wouldn’t draw attention to him in any unwanted form. The black jeans were loose yet hugged his waist slightly enough to compliment the soft curve of his hips and their gentle width. A gray long-sleeved shirt buttoned all the way down was tucked into his jeans, the top button undone to reveal a tiny sliver of pale skin. A bulky black scarf wrapped around his thick neck three times, concealing the entire length of it, descending across the top of the binder and dropping over the tops of his thumbs. The perfection of his face was framed by short black waves. His lips were full and pulled into the tiniest smile when I blinked again. Just as soon as it was there it was gone, his face slackening, returning to the concentrated stare he cast across the room.

Did he just smile at me? I decided to breathe through my mouth since my nose could not cope, deciding You use two forms of "decide" in the same sentence. Maybe change that. my brain was deprived of oxygen enough, but the moment I did my body convulsed and I inhaled sharply through my nose, leaning forward the slightest bit. Michael Hansberry, the hottest boy I had ever seen, was a frog compared to this prince. Nice play on words here.

The boy slid down easily into the front row, sitting alone, clicking the button on the front of the bulky computer, a grin flickering across his full lips when the screen flashed to life, joined by a slight groan from the computer component.

“Now, class, your task for today is to browse Google images for different styles of photo editing from altercation of lighting, including backlighting, to addition of flash, compilations of multiple images, framing, cropping, collages, and selective editing. I do not expect you to know them all yet, and I will give you a book tomorrow, but for now you will just have some relaxing fun. Is there a problem, Miss Johnson?”

My eyes dislodged from his perfect face up to Miss Hale’s slightly angry one, her eyes narrower than I remembered. She had her hands on her hips and to my humiliation, most of the class, including the handsome boy, were staring at me.

“No, Miss Hale, not at all.” Is she blushing? I would be.

“So why are you still looking at the front when your computer is behind you?”

“Er…”

“Ellen!” Gregory elbowed me a little too hard, my body automatically scrunching toward his brother, who just shrugged.

“Ellen?” It was Miss Hale, and the frustration in her voice was undeserved. Rolling my eyes, I swung my chair back around, ignoring the blood rush, [s]and[/s] double clicked on the first image under ‘photo manipulation’ - and groaned..

New paragraph. It was a huge full-screen shot of twenty women in pink bikinis with calligraphy draped all across them, derogatory remarks dominating. Nathan smirked and Gregory baulked. Before anybody else noticed I closed the webpage, my heart hammering in my chest so loudly it pounded in my ears. A disgruntled snort made me shrink down in my seat.

Hello at last, Hell. I missed you so much! I love this so much! Typical high school torture!

*****

“Enjoying living my nightmare?” I slid my tray down beside Kassie’s at lunch. She poked her soggy potato around the plastic plate absent-mindedly, tears gleaming on her olive cheeks.

“It’s not fair!” she moaned, dropping her head onto her folded arms. I stroked her back for a minute, then pulled my hand back to scoop my peas into my mouth before they dried and pruned. The last thing I wanted was to be reminded of Machine-Gun Gracey when I was eating something green – it was hard enough stomaching greens without old, wrinkled women flashing through my head. I shuddered automatically. Kassie just groaned again and stamped her foot.

“Don’t be sore Kassie, it’ll get better.”
“Shut up!”

“Why? Oh, I feel déjà vu coming on, don’t you?” Just to be safe, italicize deja vu, since it's technically French.

“Sure,” she groaned.

“Oh, wait, no, it’s reversed this year. I remember this day for the last four years… what did you say last year? Wait, I think it was: 'Don’t worry El, school is meant to suck, so put up with it. It’s only luck some get the good straw. Stick in there and fight the system.'”

“Shut up!”
“Take your own advice, hey Kass? It’ll do you good to get some exercise.”
“Not fat jokes, too!"
“No, but you’ll have to ditch the heels.”
“I don’t have any sneakers!”
“Borrow mine, I have plenty.”
“Thanks.”

We sat in silence until I’d completed the soggy meal. I stole her lemonade can and gulped it in two mouthfuls.

“Oh, guess who was in my Webpage Design class?”
“Who?”
“Act like you want to know Kass, I always do!”
“Fine. Who was it?”
“That nice smelling guy!”
Her head shot up, a hand automatically stroking her bangs back.
“Seriously? Wow!”

We both turned to gaze at the door when our noses zoned into the scent. Absolutely delicious.
“No way…” we murmured in unison as a handsome man with soft features and shoulder length brown curls entered, walking with the ease of an angel. Behind him sauntered a chunky blonde, her long, dead-straight hair bouncing lightly on the curve of her pale lower back as she glided toward the tray piles. She was tall, even if she didn’t sport the five-inch heels. But she – while being blonde – was definitely no Pamela Anderson. She had a perfectly proportioned body but she had thick legs and a scowling face, a roll of baby fat over her belt, a small chest, thick arms and a chubby face. It looked, from where I sat near the back, a smile had never touched those full lips, though it did when she smirked up at the man who swept a long arm around her waist, gently squeezing her closer to him. Her too-tight midriff top revealed a little too much skin, pale like the man’s, but somehow she wasn’t cringe worthy. She had a soft face with sharp eyes, and while not pretty she wasn’t ugly.

They made no noise when they picked up a tray each and filled it with mushy potato. The man put a hand around her shoulders as they completed their migration through the cafeteria to the table in the centre of the room. The boy looked up – I hadn’t even noticed him sitting there, though there he was, centred in the room. Every pair of eyes was trained on them, watching the blonde shuffle close to the bigger man, his wide shoulders hunched forward.. A kind smile lit up his entire face when she draped her left leg over his right knee; she rested her head on his shoulder, her long hair cascading down his back as well as hers.

“They smell so delicious,” I whispered.

“His name is Jonah,” Kassie whispered back, leaning in close. “That’s his brother Armel and his wife Celeste. Is Celeste Armel's wife, or Jonah's? It is unclear. I think their names mean 'Stone Prince' and 'Heavenly', or something [s]along those lines[/s]. Though she’s not as heavenly as her name suggests. Sure she has the blonde, but I mean… Has she heard of Jenny Craig? Huh? What does this have to do with anything? I’m sure Jonah means 'Dove' in Hebrew… I remember it from last year’s language week.” Uh, the above paragraph, though it is very useful information, is really out of place. Unless Kassie has some interest in being a lexicographer, her knowing the meanings of people names is not only unrealistic, but also kinda creepy.

“Cool.”
“How beautiful is he?”

“Gorgeous.” I didn’t need to ask her who she meant. While Kassie never settled with one man exclusively, when somebody had a girlfriend, as the girl so demonstrated seconds after sitting, Kassie never interrupted.

“I wish I had the guts to speak to him.”
“Yeah, who doesn’t in here?”
“I wish I could see into his mind.”
“Why?”
“So I can see if I have a chance.”

“He’s probably got a girlfriend from whatever dark place he came from,” I mused, unable to keep the longing from my voice. Kassie frowned, analysing him in a different light now.

“You’re probably right, about the dark place. Did he live under a rock all his life? Seriously get a load of their skin!”
“It’s freaky.”
“Yeah, so freaky!” I agreed, though my words felt wrong on my tongue.
“He’s so gorgeous though, it’s not fair.”
“I wonder if he has lived beneath a rock all his life…”
“Get real.”
“Get real? Sure, he can’t be real.”

We moped for a little while, deciding we’d rather sit here staring at him and be depressed than be happy anywhere else. We both had English 3 with Mr Newbill, an Indonesian Diplomat turned teacher as of eight months ago. His knowledge on America was so vast we struggled to remember he’d lived in Indonesia all his life, though he’d travelled Misspelled: traveled more frequently than a gypsy.

His class was the usual: slack off day, the beginning of a gentle slope leading to exams in early January. He warned us exams would creep up on us and we’d be too busy partying to study over the break, so we should begin revising previous years’ work to give a decent head start. Of course none of us listened; too busy buzzing about the new three-some from lunch to talk about anything else.

Hey, Nic! I was so excited when you PM-ed me about this This story is already starting to grow on me!

They flanked me either side like two guard dogs because, with their broad shoulders, black hair, tanned skin, muscular bodies and incredibly dangerous expressions printed permanently on their chiselled, dimpled faces, it’s what they looked like to an outsider like Miss Hale.

This was her first year, so we weren’t listening to her as she droned on about copyright and appropriate internet usage and briefed us on the tracking devices the Technical Support Centre had installed and how every click we made on any school computer - -rentable laptops include - was logged for the year.

One might liken them to buttons, but i thought they were weird.

Rolling my eyes, I swung my chair back around, ignoring the blood rush, and double clicked on the first image under ‘photo manipulation’.

Hello at last, Hell. I missed you so much!
“Enjoying living my nightmare?” I slid my tray down beside Kassie’s.

“That nice smelling guy!”

She had a perfectly proportioned body but she had thick legs and a scowling face, a roll of baby fat over her belt, a small chest, thick arms and a chubby face.

“They smell so delicious,” I whispered.

These are not really the final chapters because in terms of posting here, they were cut down to 2/3 pages worth of writing. Thanks for ANYTHING you can make of that.

Once again I am a totally stinky nit-picker so here is my review:
Of course I still love your writing style and how you portray all your charecters. THey are allv ery origional. THe only thing I am worried about is this (totally hot!!) new kid, who seems almost vampire like I just want to make sure another edward cullen isnt going to be walking into this story! Just watch out for that and besides that I love the charecters and I would love to see where you are going with this!