Published November 13, 2010
Solemn faces often found,
Your lips move but make no sound.
Piercing silence fills my ears
When Death comes to prove my fears.
The soul to take is way too young,
Her shattered dreams forever hung
In skies so dark with stars so near...
With no goodbye, I shed a tear.
Dance with God down golden streets,
The Angels will fulfill your needs.
Just promise you'll remember me,
You're still my favorite memory.
Moving on from you is hard,
You'll always be here in my heart.
But now it's time to say goodbye...
My love for you will never die.
*Dedicated to a good friend of mine, Sandy. May your soul rest peacefully forever. ♥ 6/12/10
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,626 Reviews
First off, excellent use of meter here. I can tell you payed good attention to word choice by the even syllables. However, I was a bit disappointed to see that you couldn't quite get the rhyme in the first couplet of the last stanza.even "streets" and "needs" is closer, though not perfect. Try that again. You might not be able to save that one line, but its very jarring to have a constant throughout the poem and then to suddenly break it.
I do like your images, especially the shattered dreams/starry night part, and the God/dance part was wonderful. Bring that out, you're very good at it.
Greetings I'm LastPaladin, first I'm sorry to hear about your friends death and offer my sincere condolences, nonetheless, I can't offer much good words on how you demonstrated your upset. I shall begin with what I liked, it was one stanza which stood out and showed you have potential.
This is a superb stanza, with great imagery, overt religious overtones, but in such a way that it works. Because in the message of poem, it adds something you connect to heaven. I don't fully agree, but the imagery is beautiful and even though I can't agree with it, I still find it very well captured.
Now on what I didn't like, for such a solemn message and how you try convey it the rhyme scheme is basic and sounds more like a sing-song than a serious poem, not only that but the message is further convoluted due to the nature and fact that the rhyme comes across as forced and fairly forgettable. Not only that but half way through you're much like 'forget it' and drop the scheme all together, it only works when done right, in this case it comes across as not smart, but more 'Make up your blinking mind.'
Overall: You have skill, but poetry doesn't need rhyme to make it good, in fact many times it's better to avoid it, mainly because you get trapped in a pattern and that limits creativity. You drop the scheme halfway through leaving the sing song style to try and attempt make it more serious, but contrive lines and cliché can't save a poem and in the end though there was a stanza with major kudos on it, this falls apart.
Hope this helps.
Hi, I really like this poem. Very good flow and it's good that the emotion was there as well. Also good use of rhyming and consistency throughout.
I like your use of imagery in this sentence:
I don't really have any negative comments.
All I have to say it's keep writing
Thanks guys, I appreciate it so much =]
This made me cry a little bit! It is so touching and emotional and it was just so amazing! Your talent is raw and natural. Keep writing!
Georgie x
[quote="niccinic15"]Solemn faces often found,
Your lips move but make no sound.
Piercing silence fills my ears
When Death comes to prove my fears.
The soul to take is way too young,
Her shattered dreams forever hung
In skies so dark with stars so near...
With no goodbye, I shed a tear.
Dance with God down golden streets,
The Angels will fulfill your needs.
Just promise you'll remember me,
You're still my favorite memory.
Moving on from you is hard,
You'll always be here in my heart.
But now it's time to say goodbye...
My love for you will never die.
this poem is really good and very deep. I can tell it came from your heart, and I'm sure your friend loves this poem because it shows alot of emotion.
"Dance with God down golden streets,
The Angels will fulfill your needs.
Just promise you'll remember me,
You're still my favorite memory."
Those are the only lines that didnt flow very good together and kind of threw the poem off track, dont get upset I'm just reviewing lol(: It's very good though, and very sad and sweet.
Keep writing (:
-Madddie
wow this was freaking amazing (pardon my french) I really liked it my favorite was the first verse! Great job!
Wow awesome!!! Love it!!! Well done, I really like the way you write. keep it up!
First of all!
WELCOME!!!
I can tell your realllllyy talented, and i love this
If you need any help, PM me