Published November 14, 2010
Running circles in my head,
You're all I ever see.
The one thing I can think about
Is you being with me.
Reality is all a blur,
And nothing's as it seems.
This high that you give me
Is the resource of my dreams.
I want to feel the buzz of you,
And taste you on my tongue.
I want to stay forever here;
We lay eternally young.
Once upon a darkened nightmare,
I woke up and you were not there.
Oh, my body craves you still,
My love, my deadly little pill.
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Haha, yeah I know that the last stanza has a different rhythm... It wasn't really intentional at the beginning of the piece, but when I read over it, I liked it anyways (: But, I'm glad you guys liked it, thanks for the suggestions, and I'll be posting more when I can get on a computer more often... I actually have a lot of poetry written that doesn't rhyme, so maybe you'll like those better? Thanks again!
I definately agree with Nightshade; don't always constrain yourself by rhyming. Poem don't have to rhyme, but I do think it workd well for this poem.
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The emotion expressed in this poem is very strong. The narrator obviously is pained by this person's loss, and longs for that person to come back. The rhythm that you have created is beautiful, although I don't know if you realized this, but your last stanza follows a different pattern than the rest. It still works for this piece, but just thought you should know, in case you hadn't planned it that way
I did definately enjoy this piece.
I really liked the dark flair that you put on love. There wasn't anything that really drew me in as being exceptionally original or insightful, but I did enjoy the poem. I suggest toying with it without the rhyme scheme though and seeing where it takes you. You might be more free to express what you'd like to if you weren't worrying about rhyming.
The first two stanzas make me think of a crush, and the second two make me think someone just got crushed on a one night stand. I don't know if that was the main idea, but that's what I got out it. It seemed straightforward with some artistic flair, pretty cool. I didn't see any punctuation errors, but I suck concerning punctuation.