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16+

idk yet

by niahhh


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Layla had always been told that she had her daddy's dark brown eyes that turned hazel in the sunlight or that she had the same freckles that he had spreaded out all over her cheeks like stars in the night sky. Her favorite thing was to hear how she had the same singing voice as him, a voice as smooth as water but makes ripples, could make the birds go silent and listen to her and could get the attention in anyroom with a single note.

The smell of coffee and gas was the first to hit me most mornings but this time it was a different auroma, pancakes, my moms infamous cinnamon strawberry vanilla pancake. I guess she had time today. I grabbed my robe and put on my bunny slippers since it's always cold in this busted down apartment. I made my way down the hall checking to see if my brother, Corey, was up yet he sleeps in like we don't have school everyday which causes us to be late and not to my surprise he was fast asleep. “ Let him sleep in baby there's no school today no need for you guys to wake up this early” my mom whisper yelled to me just before i walked into his room , i made my way to the kitchen to see she had made a full breakfast, i quickly made myself a plate as she finished cooking and made myself comfortable at the table while turning on the tv and trying to see if i could catch any early morning cartoons. 


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115 Reviews


Points: 274
Reviews: 115

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Thu May 14, 2020 3:39 am
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Featherstone wrote a review...



Hello there! Knight Fea here to review!

I would usually speak more to plot/exposition than I will here, mostly because this piece is rather short. Still, I'd like to start off by saying that I like your description in the first paragraph! Relating to her father is a nice way to describe a character, and it's not one I see super often, so nice job there! Your metaphors are also quite vivid, particularly this part:

...a voice as smooth as water but makes ripples [that] could make the birds go silent and listen to her and could get the attention in anyroom with a single note.


I have to say that the switch from the third-person in the first paragraph to first-person in the second is a bit jarring; are we reading from Layla's point of view, or is Layla someone the main character knows? If the latter, what is their relation to Layla? It'd be nice to have more clarification on this point. Ideally, one would select one point of view to write from (whether that's first or third person) and then stick to one, but sometimes switching can be fun for stylistic reasons, so long as it remains clear who we (as the reader) are seeing through the eyes of.

Second, I've got a wee little nitpick in the dialogue! Dialogue rules are difficult to learn, and I still mess them up, so don't feel too self-conscious about it. When you start a line from a new character, you begin a new paragraph, and you always include punctuation at the end of the dialogue. This is usually a comma but can also be an exclamation point or question mark and still have a lowercase speaker tag (I'll show you in a moment), whereas ending with a period requires the following, non-dialogue sentence to be standalone.

For example:

"Let him sleep in, baby, there's no school today and no need for you guys to wake up this early!" my mom whisper-yelled to me just before I walked into his room...

Or:

"Let him sleep in, baby, there's no school today and no need for you guys to wake up this early," my mom whisper-yelled to me just before I walked into his room...

Or:

"Let him sleep in, baby, there's no school today and no need for you guys to wake up this early." My mom whisper-yelled the words to me just before I walked into his room...


I hope some of this helped! Feel free to throw any questions my way, and good luck! Keep writing~

- Fea




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Fri May 08, 2020 8:59 pm
JesseWrites wrote a review...



Hey. Jesse here to review.

GENERAL OPINION-

This is short and unnamed, so I can't really commend it on those aspects. I did enjoy the way you wrote as it has details. They give another realm to the work. It unfolds I continue farther on.

SPELLING AND GRAMMAR-

Many "I's aren't capitalized, which they should be. It is a rule of writing and it gets spoken about openly. I can't find anything else besides that.

CAPITALIZATION-

I already said that above. Again, capitalize.

CHARACTERS-

Layla- We get her looks thrown out in the first section. I would classify that as Info Dumping, which is common and I am a victim of it. Try to weave it in the story.

I haven't seen any other main character.

OTHER-

"whisper yelled"
Is that a thing. I never heard of it, but I understand the premise. I would use another word though. "Muttered" could work. "mouthed" too.

The mother had a run on-ish sentence, which can be broken up. Here it is,
"Let him sleep in baby there's no school today no need for you guys to wake up this early"
Periods are my best friend.

Again, really short.

SUGGESTIONS-

Practice and checking over.

Farewell for now,
Jesse.





We do have funerals for the living. They're called birthday parties.
— Jill Biden (fictitiously), Hope Never Dies