The rusted bell pinged to life weakly. I shoved the papers into my notebook. The bell's piercing whine still echoed through the room. God, I thought angrily, Could this school buy a new freaking bell? I grabbed my black bag from off the floor and slid out of my seat. I walked to the front of the room and dropped my short story into the "In" box on my teachers desk. Mr. Meeker, my English teacher, smiled at me from behind his desk. He had watery blue eyes and a stained shirt. He was dorky and weird but still, the nicest teacher in the school.
"Move, freak." a voice from behind me said, as the person shoved me to the side. The person, a girl, walked by, her blond hair hanging down her back. I looked down. My hands were clenched around a pair of blue handled scissors. I reached out with one hand and grabbed the girl by her hair. With the other hand, I snipped it all off. I was dimly aware of the girl screaming, the scissors being ripped out of my hands. Other voices were screaming at me. I blinked slowly. The world was full of moving colors and water ripples. I shook my head, the black strands of hair slapping my face. I pushed past everyone, moving through crowds. I pushed the heavy wooden door open and stepped into the open air.
"Your doing it again." a bright voice said. I blinked and the school disappeared. I sat on a cold metal floor. I looked around. The room had two beds, two dressers, and two desks. The walls were a soft yellow color and the only window in the room was covered in a thick curtain. "Ro!" the voice whined now. I looked up to one of the beds. A small girl sat cross legged on the blue blanket, a book open in her lap. She had thick, curly golden-brown hair that ended somewhere by her waist. She was tan, with dark freckles and big hazel eyes. I got up from the floor, my legs wobbly.
"Sorry." I muttered. She laughed, a sound similar to the tinkling of bells. She got up from her bed. She was short. she only came up to my shoulders but she had a very big presence. She wore a thin blue long sleeve and skinny jeans, her feet covered in black converse.
"Change and we can go to lunch." she smiled, showing a set of pearly white teeth. I looked down. I was wearing a thin white nightgown. I crossed over to the drawers, opening one. I grabbed clothes at random. 5 minutes later, I was dressed in a black long sleeve, black skinny jeans and black boots. I brushed my black and purple hair out quickly, fixed my makeup and turned to face the girl.
"What's your name?" I ask. She laughs.
"Duh. I've been your roommate for a year. Fenny. My name is Fenny." she looked annoyed. I shrugged and turned towards the girl.
"What's for lunch?"
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
Hey there! I'm a week late, but welcome to YWS! If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I'm just dropping in for a review, if you don't mind.
So - let's get straight into the review!
On first read, this was quite confusing, I think. Maybe it's because I don't know the exact premise of the story, but I just don't have any idea what's going on. I'm definitely intrigued though - I'll be watching you for more.
Before I say anything else, of course I have to point out the single grammar mistake:
Your => You're.
Also, dialogue should also be punctuated differently. This thread already does a great job explaining grammar rules of dialogue, so I won't say anything more than that.
Back to confusion though! The biggest reason why I'm so lost is that everything is happening too quickly. This is what's happening from my understanding:
- English class has ended. A pretty standard beginning, gives the chance to describe the setting and give the readers a feel of the characters.
- Rude character bullies main character. Again, standard stuff, tells us about how other people perceive the main character.
- Main character suddenly cuts bully's hair. Interesting.
- She gets transported to another world? I'm not sure what's happening here.
- Conversation. Somewhat mundane conversation, which tells me the main character is used to this. Still a bit confused from the transition between events though.
The series of events is definitely interesting, but before I'm able to wrap my head around what is happening in scene 1, the narrative has already moved onto scene 2 - and so I'm left a bit disoriented from the scene whiplash.
So to make everything slower? Just pad the word count. Make each scene longer than one paragraph. There are three major scenes here:
- English class
- Introduction of a bully/teleportation to the other world
- Conversation in the other world
The very first scene of any book should let the reader get a handle on the setting and characters. You've done a great job showing us that it's the end of English class without actually telling us that. However, it could stand to be longer because as of now, I think this scene is completely unnecessary. It's just too short to give us (the readers) any new information that we wouldn't have gotten in the next scene.
So: either scrap it or make it bigger, to put it bluntly. If you wish to make it bigger, a good start would be to show us more of the main character and her personality, or if it's important, more about the teacher or the setting.
As for the next two scenes, I noticed a lack of distinct emotion from the main character. We see her actions and dialogue, and can infer her emotions from them, but the lack of emotion is quite apparent and disconcerting because this is in first person.
To explain, first person allows the reader to really get into the main character's mind, and see what they see, think what they think, feel what they feel, etc. To see into the main character's mind is the biggest reason why many choose to use first person. However, if you don't take advantage of that, you may as well choose third person.
And I'd say your writing style would be quite fitting if you wrote this in third person. Your ability to weave subtle emotion into actions is quite good. It's just that, the lack of straight-up emotion makes me wonder why this is in first person.
So if you want to keep this in first person, it'd be advisable to tell us how the main character is feeling and what she's thinking more. To do that, the questions to ask yourself while writing are...
How does Ro feel... while cutting off the girl's hair? While running away from the crowd? When she first finds herself in another room? When she first meets her roommate? These are the questions I'd ask myself if I wrote this, at least. By answering these questions for the reader, it'd make the narrative a lot more coherent and less disorienting.
Annnnnd... that's all from me. Just pacing and emotion, really. Otherwise you have a good handle on your characters and setting, and your descriptions are well thought out. The plot also seems quite interesting - I don't know the conflict yet, but just the fact that the main character seems used to whatever's happening, makes it quite intriguing.
If you want me to elaborate more on anything, please ask! Otherwise I look forward to seeing more from you!
Hello, neverlander!! Writer1204 here for a quick review.
So, I stumbled upon your work at the GreenRoom and decided to give it a try, 'cause--why not? Now, I feel like you have a great idea behind this piece of work. I do see a lot of potential, but I did find some things that troubled me. They are nothing major or un-fixable, but you should have an eye out for them.
I feel like overall, you're using quite a lot of repetition. For example, take a look at this:
[I walked to the front of the room and dropped my short story into the "In" box on my teachers desk. Mr. Meeker, my English teacher, smiled at me from behind his desk. He had watery blue eyes and a stained shirt. He was dorky and weird but still, the nicest teacher in the school.]
"Teacher" and "desk" were the two words that were nagging me at the back of my head. Now, repetition itself isn't bad as long as it serves a purpose, which is giving emphasis to certain things. It slips through the best of us, I know, but that's why revision is very important.
Secondly, I'd like to address the fact that I feel like this isn't explanatory enough. Don't get me wrong, I'm a total fan of cliff hangers and unanswered questions, but I felt like this was making me wonder too many things. Take your time when writing, go through it and add a bit of descriptions from time to time.
I was mostly confused at the end, when she wakes up and asks her roommate her name even though they've supposedly been sharing a room for the past year. I'm guessing this is just part one, though, but do try to consider going over those aspects.
In any case, feel free to ignore whatever I'm saying. At the end of the day, it's your work and as I said, I do think it's quite good.
Keep on working and I hope to see more of you!! Have a great night/day! Cheers.
Sincerely, Writer1204.