I walk into the cold hallways at school. I start walking down the hall, as my flip flops make loud slapping sounds against my feet. As usual, I get stared at. I chose to ignore the stares as I arrive to my dark blue locker. I yank it open and I see a note float out. I sigh as I reach down to pick it up.
The yellow note says, "Hey weirdo I hope I dont see you and your scar face here again tomorrow". I sigh, rolling my eyes. Yup, you read it. I have scars on my face. Don't ask why, I'll never tell. I slowly rip the yellow paper up into peices, and just throw it in the bottom of my locker. I put my stuff away from my last class as I prepare to go home. Yup, in case I didnt make it clear enough in the beginning, 7th period had just ended.
I quickly host my backpack up onto my shoulder, and throw my head forward, making my hair cover my face, and therefore my scars.
"Hey, hey you," I hear a voice behind me but I continue walking. I'm not going to embarrass myself, it was probably meant to some other person that happens to be next to me. I dont know, my hairs in the way.
"Dont ignore me, I dont want to call you this but scar face please stop," comes the boy voice again. I stop in my tracks.
"Scar face?" I hiss, angrily as I turn around.
"Look I'm sorry but that was the only way to get you to stop," Explains the boy. I glance at him. Short brown wavy hair, tanned skin, bright blue eyes, muscular and tall.
"Why are you talking to me?" I ask, guinely confused. Was this some kind of joke? Because I am pretty sure that was Brandt, one of the popular kids.
"I dont care that you have scars, and I want to be your friend," Brandt says. I scoff and roll my eyes.
"Your lying, because no one wants to be my friend, now I have to go home, I want to get my homework done before the weekend," I say making an excuse to go. Of course, that wouldn't really help, he lived across the street from me. But I figured he probably would have something to do with some other kids.
"No, I'm not!" came Brandts reply, now obviously exasperated.
"OKay fine," I say softly, breaking in. Then Brandt smiled, I couldn't help it but smile back.
"Shall we go home, together?" Asks Brandt, sweetly.
"Yes, we shall, friends?" I ask, with a hint of excitement in my voice. Brandt nods. Yay! I have a friend!
As we both walk out the doors together, I see girls shooting me angry glances. Woah, so he was THAT popular?
"Ignore them," Brandt whispers to me. I nod, smiling. As soon as we were out of view, brandt stopped. I stop too, wondering why he stopped. "What's your name?" Brandt asks me. I blush, of course, he didnt know. I smile.
"Ember," came my soft reply.
"Well Ember, do you want to see a movie with me tonight?" Brandt asks. I can't help it but let my jaw drop. Had I just been asked out on a date? By Brandt, a popular football player? I look at Brandts face. checking his eyes for any hint of a joke, but all I see in sincere in his bright blue eyes. I nod, shocked. It was Brandts turn to smile. As we start walking again, Brandt slips his hand in mine. Woah, wasnt that a bit early? Ah whatever, this will probably be the only time this will happen. I look up at Brandt and smile. I squeeze his hand.
"Is this really happening, are you sure this isn't a dream?" I randomly ask, apprehensively. Brandt pinches me softly.
"I'm certain this isn't a dream," came his velvety voice.
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140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
The events happened so fast but the story was romantic and nice..
Keep going,..
=)
It was really good but I think in this part:
"I quickly host my backpack up onto my shoulder..."
I'm wondering if you maybe meant hoist? However, a quick proof read would fix that. Also here,
"Yup, you read it. I have scars on my face. Don't ask why, I'll never tell. I slowly rip the yellow paper up into peices, and just throw it in the bottom of my locker. I put my stuff away from my last class as I prepare to go home. Yup, in case I didnt make it clear enough in the beginning, 7th period had just ended."
I think the use of 'yup' twice so close together sounds a little odd. You always missed an apostrophe in 'didn't' and spelled pieces wrong, but again a proof read would sort that. It's really just me being picky about little things that aren't that important in all. Not really. But other than that, I can't spot anything else, so really well done! It was truly amazing!
Nice story! It had a great premise, but I think it would be better as a longer story or a even a novel. Everything happened too suddenly for it to leave the lasting emotional impact it should have, considering your talent.
Ember seemed like a really wonderful, deep character and I think you had a great start on her, but the length of the story didn't really do her justice. It would be better if you gave yourself some extra space to explore her and her backstory, and Brandt's too. Also, giving she and Brandt a little more time to become friends, and maybe working through some conflicts as the story progresses would make a little more sense.
Also, you had quite a few spelling and grammar errors, and the writing, though it had lots of potential to be great, was a little bit choppy. But I have that problem aaaalllll the time -_-
But all in all, you have a lot of talent. This was a great piece with the potential to be incredible and moving, if you just let it be longer. Keep writing! I hope to see more of your work!
Hey neverendingthoughts, first off welcome to YWS!
I walk[ed] into the cold hallways [of my] school. I start[ed] down the hall, [with] my flip flops mak[ing] loud slapping sounds against my feet. As usual, I [was getting] stared at. I chose to ignore the stares as I arrive[d] [at] my dark blue locker. I yank it open and [watch] a note float out. I sigh as I reach down to pick it up.
Since I don't usually read or write this type of work, I don't think I'm allowed to tell you my personal opinion on it. But I can talk about you grammar and such, so here goes.
Spoiler
The yellow note [reads], "Hey weirdo I hope I dont see you and your scar face here again tomorrow". I sigh [and] roll my eyes. Yup, you read it[,] I have scars on my face. Don't ask why, I'll never tell. I slowly rip the yellow paper into [pieces], and throw it in[to] the bottom of my locker. I put my stuff away from my last class [and] prepare to go home. Yup, in case I [didn't] make it clear enough in the beginning, 7th period had just ended. (Actually, You started off saying that you were walking into the school hallways =x)
I quickly [hoist] my backpack onto my shoulder, and [shift] my head forward, making my hair cover my face, and therefore my scars.
"Hey, hey you," [A] voice [calls from] behind me[,] but I continue walking. I'm not going to embarrass myself, it was probably meant [for] some other person that happen[ed] to be next to me. I [didn't] know, my hair [was] in the way.
"[Don't] ignore me, I [don't] want to call you this[,] but scar face please stop," comes the voice again. [This time] I stop in my tracks.
"Scar face?" I hiss[ed] angrily as I turn[ed] around.
"Look I'm sorry but that was the only way to get you to stop," Explain[ed] the boy. I glance at him. [He had] short brown wavy hair, tanned skin, bright blue eyes, [and a] muscular[,] tall [body].
"Why are you talking to me?" I ask[ed], [genuinely] confused. Was this some kind of joke? Because I [was] pretty sure that was Brandt, one of the popular kids.
"I [don't] care that you have scars, and I want to be your friend," Brandt says. I scoff and roll my eyes.
"Your lying, because no one wants to be my friend, now I have to go home, I want to get my homework done before the weekend," I say[,] making an excuse to go. Of course, that wouldn't really help, he lived across the street from me. But I figured he probably would have something to do with some other kids.
"No, I'm not!" Brandt [replied], now obviously exasperated.
"Okay fine," I say softly, [giving] in. Then Brandt smiled, I couldn't help it but smile back.
"Shall we go home, together?" Ask[ed] Brandt, sweetly.
"Yes, we shall, friends?" I ask, with a hint of excitement in my voice. Brandt nods. Yay! I have a friend!
As we both walk out the doors together, I see girls shooting me angry glances. [Whoa], so he was THAT popular?
"Ignore them," Brandt whispers to me. I nod, smiling. As soon as we were out of view, [Brandt] stopped. [Wondering why, I stopped as well]. "What's your name?" [he] asks me. I blush, of course, he [didn't] know. I smile.
"Ember," [I replied softly].
"Well Ember, do you want to see a movie with me tonight?" Brandt asks. I [couldn't] help but let my jaw drop. [Was] I just asked out on a date? By Brandt, a popular football player? I look[ed] at Brandts face[,] checking his eyes for any hint of a joke, but all I [saw was sincerity in his nice, blue eyes]. I nod, shocked. [Now it] was Brandts turn to smile. As we start walking again, Brandt slips his hand in[to] mine. [Whoa], [wasn't] [it a bit early for that]? Ah whatever, this will probably be the only time this [would] happen. I look up at Brandt and smile. I squeeze his hand.
"Is this really happening, are you sure this isn't a dream?" I randomly ask, apprehensively. Brandt pinches me softly.
"I'm certain this isn't a dream," [His] velvety voice [came].
Whew. Now that I'm done with that, I'll say this is a nice romantic kinda story (Yeah I don't know it's called. Like I said, I don't read/write this often.) It was interesting enough to keep me reading until the end, so kudos for that. And I'm sure if you continued the story, there'd be others who'd be interested in reading further into the story.
So yeah, good job, and keep up the good work.
Try to fix your grammar and punctuation and such. Other than that, your a great writer.
okay then. it's a good start. you definitely need to refine your pacing and characterization - everything feels very choppy and sudden, but given circumstances, it's forgivable. do several checks on your grammar. aaaaand you need to give more reason that this friendship is important to the girl like. a lot. -lumi
Please don't copy my chat posts (or posts of any kind by anyone) and paste them as reviews. That said, if I were to review this in a formal manner in the browse section, my comments would be much more detailed and, well, harsh.
Yes, I know I may have repeated some things. I was in a hurry because my parents were rushing me so I am sorry. But other than that, how did you guys like my story?