Times Wasted

I have to agree with LadyBird, don't put the author's note; it takes away from the quality of a work.


By using "I" and "you", you almost force the reader to think of a situation where they felt the same emotions and said the same phrases. So, you made that connection with your audience.

I like how you started with a question but even more so, a rhetorical question. From the start, we (the audience) infer that the answer is 'yes'. From that, you build off from the rhetorical question and it almost sounds like the human mind with a lot of emotions running about. I like how you did that.

It needs a little work, yes, but a great rough draft!

Hey there.

So my first feeling about this poem is that you should probably rid yourself of the authors note, because it creates a slant to the opinion. I'm not a fan of when writers try to make excuse for quality by saying "oh i didn't spend too long, that's why it's not good". That's a cheap excuse for a troubling problem and even if it is a good poem, you've already screwed how I view the presentation of the poem.

The presentation is already pretty off for me, basing that on the structure and formatting. Capitalization as the starting point for every line is never going to look good to me and that's the reason I always start with recommending against it. Caps just aren't need and they're pretty bothersome by the tenth line. The structure also shows the same lack of creativity present in the poem, which is the nicest way I'm able to word it.

The concept of "time wasted" is a pretty used up idea and there wasn't much present here to prove that your perspective was separate from all the others. I think you did take a good stab at this with the imagery ideas, just on an overall it suffers from the cliche of the base concept. This could do with a bit of reworking but I do see the potential it has once you get the details straightened out.

So good try.
Good luck.
And happy revmo.
- lizz

This was pretty good. Here's some crit.

Is that what you wish to be?
Just another face in the crowd
A vivid memory erased
Times wasted
What was once here must be gone
Along with everything I knew to be true

You seem to make it a need
To be removed from my life
To take a final step
Off of the edge of my world
To others you will remain
Around myself you disappear

I feel the tension
Burning inside like the embers
Of my flaming life
To find the prosperity
Of my loss
There is none

You have already left
Without a warning or a care
You must not understand
Times wasted
What was once here is now gone
Along with everything I knew to be true