Love is a heart, tender and sweet,
Love is a body, perfect like a treat.
Love is a soul, flying 'round
Love is a person, singing a sweet sound.
"Oh, how I love him! His eyes yellow-gold,
A voice with the sound of angels I am told.
A body that's perfect, hair that's so clean,
Oh, how I love him! My voice lovingly gleams!"
These people say, but do they mean?
To everyone, big or lean?
It disgusts me to see, appearance and looks,
Why can't these crowds see, instead of acting all shook?
Love is in all, short and tall.
Hearts broken and mended, souls clean to call.
Minds smitten, Poems written, Books sold to you,
But do the people understand who loves who?
My heart is shown from sparkling eyes,
That face that shines beats stars in the sky.
My love for that woman burns brightly as light,
My passion for her is clearly in sight.
Yes, I am in love, it is true,
But falling in love, I'll bet you have, too.
This love feeling really opens your eye,
Let's explore this mystery together, shall we, you and I?
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I thought your poem was awesome! I just have a few suggestions:
Other than the things I found, it was awesome!!
The poem was pretty simple, but in honest truth I really didn't see anything that absolutely needed correcting. So there, take it and run with it. Keep putting stuff out, and writing more.
This is very good for you being a new member and all, but I feel like you some how forced the ryme. Which is a shame because all together it sounds like mush when you do. I liked the poem don't get me wrong, but I just didn't feel the emotion behind it.
sorry and hope this helps, PM me if you have any questions.
-Max
^Uhm, bodies may be perfect sometiems, but are all treats perfect? "Perfect like a treat" Treats aren't described as perfect.
Anyways, I would spend all day critiquing this, but I don't like to be too harsh. All in all, don't add random stuff just to make the poem rhyme! Can't stress that enough. The more unneeded information you add, the less interesting the writing becomes. Don't force rhyming poems.
Hey neo_almighty, and let me be the first to say welcome to the Young Writers' society. It's a great place to come and develop as a writer and to have some serious fun, so I hope you stick around. I'd just like to remind you that we have as a common courtesy a set ratio of 2:1- that's for every poem/story you post, we'd like you to do two reviews. That way it keeps everything ticking along.
So I liked this. You had an idea and you gave it a good shot in my opinion. You described love like what it should be to you. Nice. However there were a few things that I thought could have been better.
1. The rhythm was off in places. I'll use S1 as an example:
2. The rhyme was also off in places, S2 stuck out like a sore thumb. I would suggest re-working 'gleams' so that it rhymes properly with 'clean'.
3. Strange capitalization- for example in this line:
4. The last stanza- I would change this
To
All in all, this was a great start. I'd give it a 7 out of 10 at the moment, but I know it could be more. PM me with any further questions.
Eimear xx