You might think me daft,
but I poured my blood out
like a breaking glass.
And so you scream and laugh
at the same time
as they prepare to call your debt.
Though you wouldn't look at that.
The world forgot me,
and broke apart my heart.
Then distributed it among fools
only to paint a picture that looks like ash.
Will you remember?
Will you remember?
Through cold lies and squinting eyes,
I lit a flame in a blackened sky.
It burned like gas,
And crushed every crooked wing.
Apparently,
Blind men don't want to see.
So they put clay in their eyes
in a fake miracle,
and wouldn't wash it free.
Just listen to the lie
that lions love to flee.
That's why they plastered to a scroll
what we weren't meant to be.
Will you remember
my flowing scarlet bath?
I poured out all my blood
Though you call me daft.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I loved this poem. The imagery and emotion were both very strong I thought. The story behind it was a little fuzzy and confusing. It did allow the reader to make inferences and guesses as to what was happening, but to be honest, I had no idea that it was about Jesus. Perhaps you shuold try to make this clearer. On the other hand, poetry can be depicted in different ways, so you could always leave it and allow the reader decide what it is about. Depends on how you wanted this poem to be read.
BeautifulOther than the story, the images in this poem were beautiful.
I really enjoyed these ones:
Loved the imagery, but I'm not sure if the line in red really fits? It didn't seem to go with the rest of the stanza.
I also loved the repetition here:
These lines really stood out to me. Very powerful.
You are definetly very talented. Enjoyed reading this, keep up the amazing work
The best way to understand this is that it was written as if from the view of Jesus. It wasn't meant to be angry or dark, but you are right in that I like my poems to be like beautiful abstract paintings. Apparently, I did something right.
Hi there! You've got some very strong imagery in this poem and lines or words that really intrigue me, but they're intermingled with poor language or word choice which is really clouding the beauty of this poem. I'll try to point out where I think your flaws are and give you a few ideas for polishing this up:
You might think me daft,<<< [I agree that daft is a bad word choice. It doesn't work in a poem with a serious nature. It's fine in a children's poem or for humorous use but here you want to be building up a dark, serious atmosphere. The emotions you want to show in this poem are closer to anger and despair, rather than laughter.]
but I poured my blood out
like a breaking glass. <<<[There's soomething I like about this image but it would be even better if you made it clearer. How do you pour out a breaking glass? I'm not quite sure what picture I should be getting in my head so as nice as the juxtaposition of poured and glass is, I think you need something more here.]
And so you scream and laugh
at the same time
as they prepare to call your debt.
Though you wouldn't look at that. <<<[This stanza doesn't have enough substance. It's too vague to give the reader any clear image of what's going on and there isn't any interesting or strong language. It's not far off plain prose.]
The world forgot me, <<<[I'd like to see this extended. It's a nice line.]
and broke apart my heart.
Then distributed it among fools
only to paint a picture that looks like ash. <<<[Interesting image.]
Apparently,
Blind men don't want to see.
So they put clay in their eyes
in a fake miracle,
and wouldn't wash it free. <<<[More like this would be good. The imagery is strong, the languge is simple but powerful and it's easily the strongest part of your poem.]
Just listen to the lie
that lions love to flee. [Very out of place. Doesn't quite work as there's not enough supporting imagery.]
That's why they plastered to a scroll
what we weren't meant to be.
Will you remember
my flowing scarlet bath?
I poured out all my blood
Though you call me daft. <<<[The ending could have been more powerful. Your use of language here reduces the imagery found earlier in the poem. I don't like the use of bath or scarlet or even flowing for that matter.]
Welll I hope that helps a little. I do have very mixed feelings about this poem but if you do a re-write I'd love to read it so feel free to get in touch. Take care!
Heather xxx
Hello nekros,
You have some powerful imagery in your poem. They painted a really vivid picture in my head. However, I don't really get the story behind this. There's some parts about the narrator being forgotten:
And then there's some bits where the narrator get called daft:
Then there's those about the narrator pouring their blood out:
I don't really understand how they all connect together. Maybe you need to put an explanation of how they all tie together somewhere, perhaps write a little paragraph about itand put it below the poem. At the moment it seemed like this big, beautiful abstract painting that I can't seem to put together.
Other than that, this poem is really good, the flow, the way you use imagery and such. Keep it up!
#FFFFFF "> Hi!
My oh my, we have some amazing imagery here. You have talent.
The only thing that personally bothers me is the lack of emotion. Every poem should make you feel, whether it be pain or inspiration. I can't tell whether your angry or possibly sad.
I also don't exactly understand the topic, but I don't know if you even want readers to, so thats okay. All in all, great job! Keep writing (: