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Day Dreamer

by nedddz


There's times when I'm driving,

day dreaming of you

the growing we did with each other

and apart

the times I gave everything I could,

but it was never enough

now I day dream of him,

when I'm at stop lights

I find myself smiling,

thinking of the happiness in my life

the day dreams turned to day dreams of success 

I no longer day dream of someone else,

I day dream of myself

I day dream of my own happiness  


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218 Reviews


Points: 1426
Reviews: 218

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Fri Jul 12, 2019 9:22 pm
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Horisun wrote a review...



This is a really nice poem! I think it had a really great flow! I especially liked the, "When I'm at stop lights" part, though I do think there should be a comma at the end, and I really love the message! What I took from this poem is something that I feel I rarely see, letting go of sadness, and finding your own joy! This poem really feels, this sounds kinda strange, but it feels victorious, you know?
The one thing that I'd like to point out, is that I found the shift between "Thinking of him" And "Thinking of myself" A little sudden. It caught me a little off guard.
Also, I think you might want to play with the title. This is my opinion, so you can disregard it if you want, but I feel that the title doesn't really fit the piece. When I read the title, I thought of the everyday daydreams, of fantasy worlds, or getting perfect grades, and maybe going out with your crush, something sweet, and bubbly, you know? You don't have to take my word for it, but it is something you should consider.
However, other than that, This is a really awesome piece! I can't wait to read more of your excellent poems, and I'll certainly leave this a like! :D
Have a good day or night, and keep on doing what you love!




nedddz says...


Thank you so much for the feedback!! I had some trouble with the comma placements so thank you for pointing that out. But yes, it's supposed to feel victorious! This was a time in my life where I realized my self worth so I am very happy you got that feeling from it as well.
There is a lot to work on in this poem and the title is definitely one of them. I honestly didn't have a title for this before posting it here and I honestly didn't expect anyone to really read it or enjoy it. Thank you, again!! :)



Horisun says...


:D



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117 Reviews


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Thu Jul 11, 2019 8:30 pm
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Katnes wrote a review...



Katnes here with a review This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel seem bad. But be warned you may feel offended anyway.

Praise
This was-neat. It had a nice string of emotion. I highly appreciate the fact that you pointed out that happiness isn't about true love etc etc. Happiness can be found in you. Only you can make you happy.
Nitpicks
Just something I'd point out in this line here-

There's times when I'm driving,

You have a apostrophe s there making that there there is. It would make more sense if that was there are.
That's all the errors I could find. Other then that you did an amazing job.
Keep writing! Oh and welcome to Young Writers Society. Enjoy the stay here.




nedddz says...


Thank you so much for the feedback! I really appreciate it because I didn't catch on to that and now I see that it would definitely make more sense if it were that way. :)



Katnes says...


Your welcome!



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Thu Jul 11, 2019 5:32 pm
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salia4 wrote a review...



I love this poem and how there is a story, how it starts thinking of one person that goes to yourself. The only critique I have is the changing of point of view, I understand the effect you were going for, but in the first few lines going from "thinking of you" to the "thinking of him", there isn't really enough to depict them as two different people. All in all it was a great poem, and I loved reading it, tbh poetry is just one of my favorite things, and it's difficult, so it always makes me happy to see it executed well.

Amazing work, and I can't wait to see what more you come up with!




nedddz says...


Thank you so much for the feedback! Yeah, I had a hard time with that, I originally didn't want to post this one for that exact reason but I did anyway and I'm glad you enjoyed it!




Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
— Mark Twain