Published July 13, 2011
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139,427 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
I love your plot. It's not often you get a story that isn't dripping with the supernatural. Though I notice that you have a problem with commas, yes, commas. Do not be a hater of our little punctuation friends. They are just as important as periods. So do go through and fix all your grammatical errors. Another thing, Dialogue is VERY important. i think a little more playful banter and catching up is called for when best friends have been separated for three weeks. this serves two very important purposes:1. it draws the readers in
2. It helps characterization.
Do not underestimate the banter!
I adored your switch in views, though I do feel that both characters remain a little flat and one-sided. Give them both more emotion, more description, and more dialogue and you will really make the story stand out.
Great descriptive writing. I have a really clear image of what sophia looks like as a result! *sigh* typical teen flipping off his father (aren't we all guilty of similar things?) I had the funniest image in my mind of the way his father was fist pumping him . . .anyway, good start! keep up the good work!
I love the end! He flipped off his father! I love it! Can't wait to read more ! It was great and funny!
I loved this story! I thought it was funny how Marco flipped off his dad while he was driving off, and the description of Sophia was great. Keep writing, I'm looking forward to reading the rest of this story!