First Blush(Edited)

Thank you for all of your reviews and tips I will gladly take them into consideration.

Hi Nativecatcher! I just read your unedited version before spotting this one, and I have to say, I preferred your simple "Thursday was when it first happened" to the new "On a pleasant spring Thursday everything began to change". The first one is so much more attention grabbing and dramatic than the other, which is exactly what the first line should be like. The second is a little airy-fairy and overloaded to really seize me and force me to read more. Sorry Chirantha. Plus the first one really sets the tone of this piece for me. Although, if you do want to elaborate more, you can do so with the next sentence. Like,
Thursday was when it first happened.
It was a pleasant, spring day and Ms. Carson's class was having recess.
Just a thought. But I did love your first "Thursday was when it first happened" more than your other one.
On to the rest of the review then. ^^'

nativecatcher wrote:Prologue:

On a pleasant spring Thursday everything began to change.<<You got my thoughts on that. ^^ >>

Ms.Carson’ Ms. Carson's. You forgot the "s". third class was having recess, and everyone was enjoying themselves. The sky was a gorgeous baby blue, and the clouds looked like winter snow in contrast. The wind was a light breeze that swayed the trees and blew little girl’s sweaters. I was waiting in line at the new slide that was recently built <<Missing something. "By", "in", etc. our school. Ahead of me was one of my best friends Lucian preparing to go next and as excited as a little kid who got ice-cream. <<Like this simile. C: >>

“This is gonna be so much fun!”,<<You do not need this comma here! Scrap it!>> Lucian said turning around to face me. His cheeks were bright with excitement, and his green eyes were wide with joy.

“Yeah it is”, <<Comma inside the speech mark and after the "is" as GoldenAnderos said.>> I said enthusiastically.

Ahead of Lucian the girl in front of him climbed the ladder and took off like a rocket. <<Again, love the simile.>>

“It’s your turn”, I said pointing to the ladder.

As Lucian as <<Was?>>about to ascend the ladder a short, round boy named Troy got <<Maybe make this more active, so I get a better picture. Perhaps replace "got" with "darted" or "shot".>> in front of him, and begin climbing.

“Hey<<!>> <<What>> are you doing?” Lucian barked at the boy.

I was surprised by this coming from Lucian. He was usually a good-natured person very down to earth and friendly. He was always polite to others, and <<"usually"? As it's apparent that here he does mind.>> didn’t mind people getting in front of him, or asking for something.

“Jumping you”, <<Comma inside. And is "Jumping you" something children would normually say? Sounds more teenagerish to me...>> Troy said putting a mischievous smile on his face, and continued climbing. <<This sounds a little awkward. Maybe: A mischievous smile spread across his face before he continued to climb.>>

I can’t be exactly sure, but from what I can remember within a five second time span Troy was on the ground with a bloody nose using his hands to shield his face, <<Maybe replace this with a full-stop?>> Lucian was on top of him repeatedly hitting his face.
“Lucian get off him!” I screamed horrified by what he was doing.

All of the kinds <<"kids", "drawn"?>>by the chaos, were chanting, and making bets as to who would win.

“I bet Troy’s gonna get up any minute and pound him...”

“Not with what Lucian is doing to his face...”

“Lucian Gallows get off of Troy this instant!!” Ms. Carson yelled running towards the scene. Her yellow dress blew against the wind, <<Blew against the wind? Has she got her own breeze going on? Could you rephrase this? O.o >> and her brown hair was flying everywhere like her temper.

Trying to help the situation I sprung into action. I was somehow able to pull Lucian off Troy, but still got pushed and hit <<sometimes>>. Once I pushed Lucian a few feet away I saw Troy’s deformed figure. <<Ouch>> His face looked tomato red, and his body was curled up in fetal position. His hands were on his face, <<If his hands were on his face, how would the MC know the colour of it?>> and he was rocking himself back and forth like mental patient inside a ward. <<this gives me a good image, but how does your young MC know how a mental patient would act? maybe add a bit at the end? "...like a mental patient inside a ward from the films/movies." I know, it's terrible, but you get the idea, right?>>

“My face, my face, my face, my face”, <<Comma inside that speechmark>> he kept crying to himself.

Suddenly Ms. Carson was bending over Troy trying to pry his hands away from his face, and examine how <<hurt he was.>> badly he was hurt. Once he removed his hands everybody saw a gruesome sight. His nose was crooked, and some skin was torn away from his cheeks. <<You may need to spend longer on this description. If it was as gruesome as you say it was, your MC would remember more smalled, icky details.>>

“Troy come on sweetie get up you have to go to the nurse”, <<Comma inside!>> Ms. Carson said sweetly attempting to sit him up.

He slowly got up looking out the corner of his eye trying to make sure Lucian wasn’t going to try to surprise attack him.
Ms. Carson looked around frantically until she spotted me by Lucian.

“Aydan honey go and take Troy to the nurse and tell her what happened okay<<?>>”, This comma's not needed>> she instructed me.

I walked away from Lucian and over to Troy who was still on the ground next to the teacher. Slowly he got up, but still covered his face wary of whether he was going to get attacked again.

“Come on Troy, Lucian won’t hurt you”,<<!>> I whispered to him.

I wrapped my arm around his shoulder, and began carrying <<"leading"?>> him towards the door that led to the school <<"direction of the school/nurse"?>>. As we continued walking I looked back, and abruptly stopped. Troy stopped at <<as?>> well wondering was I was looking at.

“Wh-what are you doing? Why are you stopping<<?>>”, He <No comma. Turn the capital "h" into a lowercase one, as it's a speechtag.>> mumbled his voice shaky as he spoke,<<Full-stop.>> yet I ignored his questions.

Lucian's appearance <<had>> caught my attention. His head was tilted towards the ground, and his body was hunched over. He seemed to not notice anything, not even Ms.Carson disciplining him and yelling at him. A few seconds later he focused his attention on me as if there was nothing occurring, and I could see something was wrong. His face was cold and hostile, and his eyes seemed to burn holes through me. I quickly turned away How creepy! feeling intimidated by his menacing gaze, and continued to walk Troy back to the nurse’s office.

It was a bright spring Thursday when everything changed. <<Agan, I [mentioned] how I prefered your first one. Although, I do love this dramatic repition of your first line. So chilling!>>


This is my edited prologue I hope you enjoyed reading it and please give me some tips because I really suck at writing.Also others who posted on the original and the first chapter thank you for helping me, and helping me improve my awful writing skills. BYE!

It's interesting, but I found several distracting errors. The bold parts are my inserts.

nativecatcher wrote:Prologue:

On a pleasant spring Thursday(,) everything began to change.

Ms.Carson’(s) third (grade?) class was having recess, and everyone was enjoying themselves. The sky was a gorgeous baby blue, and the clouds looked like winter snow in contrast. The wind was a light breeze that swayed the trees and blew little girl’s sweaters. I was waiting in line at the new slide that was recently built (in) our school. Ahead of me was one of my best friends(,) Lucian(,) preparing to go next and as excited as a little kid who got ice-cream.
(In this paragraph, you use "was" too many times. Active verbs would liven up your story. For example, you might say "Ahead of me, one of my best friends prepared to go next, as excited as a little kid who had just received ice cream.")

“This is gonna be so much fun!”,(no comma here) Lucian said(,) turning around to face me. His cheeks were bright with excitement, and his green eyes were wide with joy.

“Yeah it is”,(the comma should be after "is", but before the quotation mark) I said enthusiastically.

Ahead of Lucian("Ahead of Lucian" is redundant) the girl in front of him climbed the ladder and took off like a rocket.

“It’s your turn”,(again, the comma should be before) I said(,) pointing to the ladder.

As Lucian (w)as about to ascend the ladder a short, round boy named Troy got in front of him, and begin climbing.

“Hey(,) what are you doing?” Lucian barked at the boy.

I was surprised by this coming from Lucian. (Maybe "I was surprised to hear this come from Lucian" would be better.) He was usually a good-natured person(,) very down to earth and friendly. He was always polite to others, and didn’t mind people getting in front of him, or asking for something.

“Jumping you”,(again) Troy said(,) putting a mischievous smile on his face (or "smiling mischievously"), and continued climbing.

I can’t be exactly sure ("I can't exactly be sure"), but from what I can remember(,) within a five second time span ("within five seconds") Troy was on the ground with a bloody nose(,) using his hands to shield his face,(semi-colon, not comma) Lucian was on top of him(,) repeatedly hitting his face.
“Lucian(,) get off him!” I screamed(,) horrified by what he was doing.

All of the kinds(kids?) by the chaos were chanting, and making bets as to who would win.

“I bet Troy’s gonna get up any minute and pound him...”

“Not with what Lucian is doing to his face...”

“Lucian Gallows(,) get off of Troy this instant!!” Ms. Carson yelled(,) running towards the scene. Her yellow dress blew against the wind, and her brown hair was flying everywhere like her temper.

Hi nativecatcher
I really like it.
I only saw a few mistakes and those were mainly missing commas apart from

and blew little girl’s sweaters

and blew the little girl's sweater

Hello NativeCatcher and great job on the story! I Only noticed one little mistake in the story but beside it, the story was great. It kind of scared me when the boy looked into the eyes of Aydan. But good job on the story and keep up the good work

Here's that mistake I found-

"Ms.Carson’ third class was having recess, and everyone was enjoying themselves."
I don't know if this is a mistake, but it confused me. I don't know if its third grade or if its the third class that she had. If it is the third grade, then that would show how young the school kids were.
Again, great job, I'll be waiting for more!