Published February 21, 2010
The field was a pale green with butterflies insects and searching around for their food. The sun rose out from a cluster of pine trees, reflecting the tiny water droplets, and creating enough light for a small young girl to be seen. From far away anyone could have sworn it was just an overgrown patch of grass with a few branches, but as you grew closer you could see a figure. She had an olive green dress draping over her knees, exposing her bare legs. Ebony hair covered her face and shielded her from the mosquitoes, and gnats picking at the delicate features .Her dark brown skin seemed to glow; her eyelashes batted against her eyes. And her faint red lips began to slowly move as if she were trying to speak.
And if you watched closely you could see her body began to turn towards the sun now peaking over the top of the trees, and letting everything admire its red-orange glow. Unexpectedly she opened her fiery ash-gray eyes, and a sharp inhale was heard from her mouth.
The skies then began to change color, and the trees turn to every color on the spectrum changing alternately, and the critters once by her flying away with an increasing wind speed. Gradually her once fiery eyes began to calm, and she disappeared. Anyone that would recall what had just happened would also disappear.
This is my edited prologue I tried to make this one better than the first, and took everyone's advice and went to the Show not tell topic well. I hope you guys like it! Thanks again for taking time to read this! 
Thanks for your advice again
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Hello Nativecatcher, I thought I'd leave a quick review.
Your title immediately captured my attention and gave me the impression of a name rooted in Greek or some other mythology. Reading through your prologue I think you did a great job with showing rather than telling through the use of beautiful imagery. I think one of my favorite lines is:
"And if you watched closely you could see her body began to turn towards the sun now peaking over the top of the trees, and letting everything admire its red-orange glow."
I really enjoyed the way you personified nature in its admiration for the sun's rays. It almost gives the impression of the sun being a detached being presiding over the world from up above.
From your descriptions the girl sounds like she is a tree with her green gown and dark skin, especially because she cannot be seen from far away. Maybe meaning she could be mistaken as a part of nature. There is definitely a beauty in that, and the vagueness of the scene portrays the girl as a legend. These were my musings as I read through your prologue, and I am definitely intrigued. I am really hoping you post the first chapter of your novel on here so we can read how your novel unravels!
Thanks for sharing,
PoetryMisfit
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...this is an interesting start to a prologue. Prologues generally tend to have a faster sort of pace or at the very least a scene where the details and such are a lot more important than what a person looks like. This one having such a detailed sort of sketch of this person is a very interesting idea that makes me thing that perhaps this whole story seems as if it will be very focused on this one person here.
The perspective that this whole situation is being described from is also a rather interesting one. It seems like an omniscient narrator but this one seems to have just a teeny bit more emotion than the regular one and that is making things a lot more interesting at the moment. Well, this is certainly capturing my attention quite well here.
Well that got significantly more powerful right away there. The opening was a little bit sort of reflective. but this part certainly brings in the mystery to the situation and quite a lot of mystery at that with the imagery of this sort of fire situation before talking of quite a significant number of disappearances. Overall, its a rather simple sort of situation for a prologue, but I think it manages to work really well. Its quite vague but there is ever so slightly enough to go on that as a reader I am now very intrigued in finding out more on this piece here so its done its job as a prologue quite well I think.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks for all of your help!
Actually I did mean to say that but if it doesn't make sense I'll change it to another insect or fly or whatever.
I don't think youn meant to say wasp. Am I wrong? Other then that very good!
Hi nativecatcher
I really like this prologue as it paints a really good picture of what is happening for the reader.
midnightread
Thanks for helping I took your advice and made the changes!I hope it's better now and easier to understand.
Hey its Kaedee, here to review! You did pretty well on the first few paragraphs. I liked them. They were very interesting, but the last two paragraphs were confusing. Here are my corrections.
Don't need the comma. You should say 'searching around it'. I don't think you should say 'roaming'...it doesn't really suit insects well. You could also say 'in search of their food' instead of 'searching for their food'.Corrections:
I would have a comma after 'trees'.
You don't need the word 'stick'. I would write the second half of the sentence like this: ', but if one looked closer they would see a figure.' You don't need 'form'.
I like how descriptive you are of this girl; you did a nice job. I would say 'She wore an olive green dress draping over her knees, exposing her bare legs.' You should say 'wasps' and 'birds'...but why would birds peck at someone's face? And if you mean that, the wasps and mosquitoes shouldn't even be there...'cuz the bird would eat them up!
This is confusing. You were describing her, and now...? You should start a new paragraph here. You are missing the word 'she' in the second sentence. 'Spastically' is not a word. You ought to perhaps re-write this area? You also change tenses mid-sentence.
This part is also confusing. When were her eyes fiery? You are missing some words. 'If anyone who could recall what they saw, what then instantly fall to the ground, and would never be heard or seen again.' I don't understand.
I hope I helped! Keep on writing-
KD
Liked this a lot!! Anyhoo... You certainly paint a picture, and I can't really see any spelling errors, so... there's nothing wrong with it. I'm looking forward to the continuing chapters!
Keep Writing!!! 