In that one very section of my life, I only felt numbness. Everything around me was all a blur and nothing mattered. The alley way where I sat was cold and dark, filled with graffiti and garbage all around. The air was foggy and thick, making every breath torture to my lungs. But none of this mattered. Well, at least not anymore. The whole scene ran through my head, over and over, filling my own head with nightmares of the worst kind. Thoughts with guilt steaming through them, and the pain of a heartbreak times a thousand suns. One thing was for sure though, I knew it would happen. I could still feel the soft skin of his fingers against my palm, tracing the lines that I was born with. The mint, coolness of his breath every small kiss. And the sight of comfort within his pale blue eyes with a goldish middle, copying the sky and sun above us. I could still hear his voice of an angel whispering secrets to me like best friends, and the laughs we shared in every moment. The soft grass cushioning our every fall and pose, and the greenery closing us off from the world. For once in my life, I was in full bliss. Then it all turned dark. For a moment, the sky seemed to change from blue to black, and the grass to red. An army of fully armed soldiers came rushing out of the trees, surrounding us in a fence of 200 deadly people. The leader raising his hand, and the rest bringing up their guns, and pointed them right at him, fear flashing in his eyes as he faced the grim reaper himself. I watched the leaders hand, as it twitched back and forth, urging to motion the fire. Then he turned it ninety degrees, and shot it down. I averted my eyes to their target, and made a sprint for him. But the bullets were too quick, and one ended up in my arm, slamming me into the ground into a fiery pain. I tried to get up on my feet and run to him, but it was too late. There was a ring all around him full of bullets and blood, and his eyes were blank, lifeless, ghostly. He fell to his knees, and then to his face. “NO!” I shrieked. But no one seemed to notice, for there were still a circle around me of soldiers pointing the gun at the now dead target. I turned him over, and faced the most horrible sight ever. His face was forever frozen in a mask of fright, eyes wide and confused, and lips lost in a scream of pain. I looked around at the whole ring of guns with a look of hatred and vengeance, but before I could even say anymore, a soldier just as protected as the rest came out from behind the leader, and pointed a gun at me, and shot me right in the heart. Before I knew it, I was washed up on the street, with no one giving me a glance, and an alley way to cry in.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well I'm going to have to start by saying that this one could really do with a spot of paragraphing here. There's easily at the very least three paragraphs in there which could make this flow a lot more powerful because at the moment in its current form of being one big wall of text the flow is a lot less smooth and its also a little to read in general.
Besides that though, I think you've got yourself a very exciting piece here. There's a very powerful set of emotions running through here in seeing this person having to watch someone they love very much be gunned down before they are then just dumped into a random alley somewhere also very injured.
I think you capture the sheer desperation and shock really well, the fast pacing working quite well in this story's favor given we're seeing the events right as they happen in a very quick action sequence. It does leave us a little abruptly but besides that I think you've managed to get across quite the story right here with what we currently have. Its only a little bit dampened by the lack of paragraphs.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Ok ... I'm new too, but the one thing I've had to learn, but it's still something I have trouble with, is paragraphing. It's really, really hard to read something that's just in a big block, so take your time and space it out.
Hello Natfunnybunny,
I think someone mentioned this before me, but since it's so important I'll say it again. Paragraphs are so important! One big block of text is a total turn off for me. It was extremely difficult for me to read.
It was a bit confusing. I think I grasped the general concept of what you were trying to convey, but it was just a little bit too open-ended. There were a couple sentence structure issues, but I think Jetpack covered most of the issues so I won't go into that.
The ending left me wondering what exactly happened, which is good and bad. I definitely want to read more, but in some ways it didn't make sense. From what I gathered it sounds like the character telling the story was killed, but yet she's telling the story in past-tense. I guess I'll have to read the next chapter to fully understand what just happened
Keep Writing,
Nicole
Now, I like this story. But while reading it, at certain times, it seemed to me like the words were overused..and they were sort of similar.
I like the way you left the story a little unfinished, so that after the reader is done, s/he feels like there is more to it, but also, at the same time, knows that it is the end.
At one point, though, the story might seem a bit monotonous. But all in all, this is a nice story, with much potential.
Hi. I will be reveiwer today. So, now on to the review...
This is a good story. Short, but good. I think that it starts of well kind of hard to follow but it still is good. It is more than one paragraph.
I found no grammar mistakes so points for you. As for the plot of the story... diffrent. It is a very interesting plot.
I hope there is more to this, because it seems short and unexplained. I don't know if you planed it that way or if you just forgot to put in details.
Overall: I think this story has potential...with some work needed. I think that it wasn't a very good place to start of the story. The way you described things was increadable. Work on the story and I would love to see more.
Thank you for listening,
Aouther2b... PM me if you need anything.
I'm a big fan of this genre. And kind of hard to please.
This prologue makes me want to read some more. That's nice.
You use a lot of good descriptions, and I want to commend you on saying so much with so few words. That's a rare talent, it seems.
I think the way you've set it up at the end is clever and will prove to be just the intrigue you need to keep people reading. However, as you keep writing don't use too much of this technique. Remember, you're the only one that can read your mind and know what you intended for something to mean or lead to. Your audience can't always see what you want them to see if you're too open-ended. So, you want to be very clear. BUT, if you use it stingily, and go on to make it clear whether this girl is actually dead or alive, and do that every time you use this type of intrigue I think you're safe. And it makes for very enjoyable reading.
Hi, I go by Jetpack. I see you're new, so hi. *waves*
On YWS, there's a ratio of 2:1 of reviews to pieces of work you post. You've already got one review to your name, which is great, and there's enough writing here for you to take your pick for your second one. Anyway, if you head over to the Welcome forum, there are some more experienced people who will give you a better introduction than I just have.
Anyway, I'll give your writing a quick review myself. Firstly, it's in one big block. What happened to all the paragraphs? Aside from it being easier to read, a big block of writing puts a reader off. Being the sort of person who would skip past this if I saw it in a novel purely because I couldn't bring myself to wade through it, I can honestly say that your writing would look a lot more appealing if you were to insert some paragraphs. It's up to you where you put those.
As an opening sentence, this makes very little sense, and therefore doesn't encourage the reader to read much more. I understand what you're trying to say, but the wording is very confusing. "In that one very section of my life": very what? I think you might have missed a word here. You could cut "one very" altogether though. As for the second part, "I only felt numbness", this is equally hard to understand. "Numbness" is the inability to feel anything, surely, so how can you be feeling it?
The description before this is fine, but inserting 'nothing mattered' after it just makes the reader think they've wasted their time reading the last few lines. Or it does me, anyway: you need to be careful how you address this if you want to maintain the description and still convey your character's total dismissal of it.
I like that description a lot. "Steaming" is a good word to use.
Again, I like what you're trying to say, but it doesn't come off well here. I wouldn't use "copying", since it's a bit of a childish word: maybe "imitating"? Also, using "sight" in the same sentence as the description of eyes is a little odd.
I would cut "and" here.
You repeat "arm-" in two different words here. I would replace "army" with something else, though my mind draws a blank now. I like the idea of a fence of deadly people, but you should probably write out the number 200 as two hundred.
In whose eyes? This is a confusing end to a sentence where you've just been describing the leader. Was the leader facing the grim reaper because he was about to shoot someone? I'm lost here.
You can only avert your eyes from something, as far as I know, because it means to look away from, so I would rephrase this sentence a little.
As far as the rest of the story goes, is she dead? I'm very confused here. Basically, you need to slow this whole scene right down. It's a monumentous event: someone's been shot! Even if it was only a few seconds, you can play that emotion out for much longer. In such a scene, I think each movement is vital, especially in the few seconds before he's shot.
I don't know where you're going with this, but you don't have to go anywhere yet. Break this block and don't rush through. I want to feel her emotion, whereas at the moment I just see it in a detached kind of way. I understand that you don't want to delve into dialogue and suchlike if this is a prologue, and maybe you want it to be fast, but it can be a fast piece of writing without being rushed.
Sorry if it feels like I've ripped this, but you had some nice description in here and you can do lots with a scene like this, so take your time and go through this a couple of times. Good luck.