the storm is coming and there is nothing we can do
flood is gonna cover everything, you knew it, didn't you?
it's too late and i'm too weak to swim against the tide
please, don't judge me but I'll have to do what is right
I always thought that the wows we made were kind of silly
I cannot honor them anymore and even if I was willing
would you live with this mess, an empty shell
i know i'm gonna hurt you, but believe me, I ment well
his eyes, god, i cannot shake off that starving gaze
it hurts like hell to look at him, such devastating grace
the sky is raging and there is no way back to the shiny past
I just have to jump, even knowing this craziness wont last
the rain starts to pour, my face gets wet
my hands are shaking, my mind is getting mad
the pain is killing me, I feel that forbidden ache
his touch is gonna be the end of me, but I'm finally awake
the stars are falling, the moon is bleeding
everything went dark except what we were feeling
as we walk down the decadent alley, mere lust is in the air
take a deep breath and succumb to it, before we're swallowed by hell
I’d take it that this poem is about when love cannot be reached,because there is too much in the way of your love.Too many obstacles,to the point where it’s like fighting off the weather.Dangerous,horrible weather.That anxiety that creeps in is like Adrenaline before a ride,a ride of your life.I hope you have a good and lovely day and night.
Hello, this is Kelisot here, and writing a review for a very long time. I'm not the best at writing techniques or using word-plays very well to engage an audience, but... wow. I don't care if people like your writings or not (don't worry, I liked this piece of poetry you made), but the message and impact it gave me were... wow. Just wow, my friend.
The entire poem seems to be of a narrator talking (Or ranting? Dunno the best term for this situation) to someone else, which I believe is who this "he" supposedly is. And also from some tone of the poetry and the subgenres, I can guess the narrator was in a romantic relationship with this "he"? (Correct if I'm wrong)
It also seems that a few lines support my own theory, and oh boy, as someone who has experienced poor relationships in their own life can agree:
i know i'm gonna hurt you, but believe me, I ment well
his eyes, god, i cannot shake off that starving gaze
it hurts like hell to look at him, such devastating grace
my hands are shaking, my mind is getting mad
the pain is killing me, I feel that forbidden ache
his touch is gonna be the end of me, but I'm finally awake
the stars are falling, the moon is bleeding
everything went dark except what we were feeling
as we walk down the decadent alley, mere lust is in the air
take a deep breath and succumb to it, before we're swallowed by hell
It's a real treat to see that somebody not only like what you wrote but even thinks about the story behind that.. it's such a comforting feeling to be heard and knowing that somebody gets what are you trying to say/express. I don't know if I should "spoil" it for you but the narrator is actually talking (or confessing) to a person who she is in a relationship with about being drawn to another person.. and though inner struggle, in the end she gives in to that person even knowing it's gonna end badly, es you cleverly pointed out. Thank you again SO much for taking the time to read my work and reviewing it, it means a ton!Hey there! Plume here, with a review! And welcome to YWS!! I'm a junior moderator, so if you have any questions, feel free to come to me or anyone else with a green username!
I really enjoyed reading your poem!! One thing I think you nailed was the mood. This definitely had a frantic feel to it. I think part of that was owed to the rhyme scheme, too— it definitely made the flow feel faster-paced. This poem speaks of high stakes and betrayal, and the urgency in it was palpable. I think you included just enough narrative in it so that readers wouldn't be confused, but could still come away with their own interpretations. Really nice work!!
One thing I did notice was your capitalization inconsistencies. "I" shifted from being uppercase to being lowercase throughout. I know capitalization is a stylistic choice, but I find it's usually best to be consistent throughout a work. If you did have a reason for alternating it like that, though, I'd be interested to hear it!!
Another thing I saw was that some lines near the end didn't follow that nice rhyme scheme you built up throughout the poem. Since the end is when it's all supposed to come together and be the most satisfying, I didn't see how breaking the rhyme scheme added to the poem. The lines
the rain starts to pour, my face gets wet
my hands are shaking, my mind is getting mad
as we walk down the decadent alley, mere lust is in the air
take a deep breath and succumb to it, before we're swallowed by hell
I always thought that the wows we made were kind of silly
I just have to jump, even knowing this craziness wont last
) but I aim for my writings to be comprehensible so I'm really greatfull for all your comments.
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