Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
So he did it. He took THE PILL. Why shouldn't he? His friend warned him, it could be dangerous, it could change his life forever. He might never be able to come back. But life is short, isn't it?
Suddenly, this feeling started to emerge.. Slowly, at first, almost subtle. His memories of the past years were starting to fade. This new, fascinating colors and images begun to appear. He could do nothing but stare and admire the beauty of them, and the music.. Yes, there was music, this soft yet very captivating melody that was dragging him away from everything he knew. So THIS is happiness he thought, this is what everybody's looking for and only the luckiest one finds, am I that lucky? I can be easily the happiest guy right now, nothing I'd seen before, nothing I'd heard, nowhere I'd been and nothing I'd felt, nothing was real. This is real, this is IT, this is the meaning behing everything, I feel so enlightened! Oh my god, the music.. and I thought I knew what a true beauty is. Is this heaven? I'm afraid I've just died and this is heaven, it must be heaven because it's ubearable to embrace so much grace on earth. It's a dream, it must be, yet feeling so real, I'm getting lost in all of it, I'm in love because I'm the LOVE, I feel I can fly..
He openes his eyes, there's silence and he's surrounded by darkness. He's little dizy and confused, where is he? Whad had just happened? He goes to the bathroom, turns the light on. He sees a reflection in the mirror.. something had changed. It's still him but there's a shadow, a shadow that had never been there before. He splashes his face with cold water to wake himself up but the shadow isn't going anywhere. He starts to tremble. He feels like something is missing. There's no way to describe it but he does not feel whole. It shall pass, he's telling himself. It shall pass..
Days go by and he tries to come back to what normal life is supposed to be. The aching reality.
He's joking at work with his coleagues, laughting even, but he does not FEEL it.
He's started to run regularly. Like he could run from the numbness. Like he could run to a safer place. To a shelter, where the storm won't reach him. But there's no such place. No shelter.
So he goes out a lot. He drinks. He even kisses the girl next door who he thought he was in love with. Was he? Everything seems so fucking fake now.. so freaking UNREAL.
So he sits at the piano, there must be some joy in it, there'd always been.. He starts to play a melody, he'd heard it before but he's not sure where it's coming from. It's beautiful though.. suddenly he remembers. It's from that dream, from the other reality he cannot come back to. His eyes are filling with tears. Useless but real tears. His hands are shaking. He's about to lose it.. he screams. Scream resembling a wounded animal that's about to die.
Weeks passed and he's fighting every day to survive. To breath. He's struggling to crawl from his bed every morning knowing that there's only a thin wall between him and an endless abyss.
He tries to talk to his friend about it but it does not help. It hurts even more.. The look in his pal's eyes hurt. People who are closed to him can sense it. They see something has changed. Fortunately, not all of them can see he's broken.. for good.
The season changed and he's still here. Well, not still, but here. He's not about to quit.. not that he didn't think about it couple of times. Still trying to hush away the painfull memories, memories of something so beautiful that his mind is now incapable of understanding.
But he has to cope with it now, doesn't he? That everything good that's about to happen in his life won't measure up. That he might be loved deeply by other person but he couldn't love her back. At least not the way she'd deserve. That every moment of apparent happiness will always bring him back to that night. The night he understood. The night he finally loved and felt complete. The night when he felt he lived for the first time. But also, the night that took something from him, something he never even knew was there. The night something in the deepest of his chest has died.