Young Writers Society


16+ Language

The Pill

by nashville_skyline


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

So he did it. He took THE PILL. Why shouldn't he? His friend warned him, it could be dangerous, it could change his life forever. He might never be able to come back. But life is short, isn't it?

Suddenly, this feeling started to emerge.. Slowly, at first, almost subtle. His memories of the past years were starting to fade. This new, fascinating colors and images begun to appear. He could do nothing but stare and admire the beauty of them, and the music.. Yes, there was music, this soft yet very captivating melody that was dragging him away from everything he knew. So THIS is happiness he thought, this is what everybody's looking for and only the luckiest one finds, am I that lucky? I can be easily the happiest guy right now, nothing I'd seen before, nothing I'd heard, nowhere I'd been and nothing I'd felt, nothing was real. This is real, this is IT, this is the meaning behing everything, I feel so enlightened! Oh my god, the music.. and I thought I knew what a true beauty is. Is this heaven? I'm afraid I've just died and this is heaven, it must be heaven because it's ubearable to embrace so much grace on earth. It's a dream, it must be, yet feeling so real, I'm getting lost in all of it, I'm in love because I'm the LOVE, I feel I can fly..

He openes his eyes, there's silence and he's surrounded by darkness. He's little dizy and confused, where is he? Whad had just happened? He goes to the bathroom, turns the light on. He sees a reflection in the mirror.. something had changed. It's still him but there's a shadow, a shadow that had never been there before. He splashes his face with cold water to wake himself up but the shadow isn't going anywhere. He starts to tremble. He feels like something is missing. There's no way to describe it but he does not feel whole. It shall pass, he's telling himself. It shall pass..

Days go by and he tries to come back to what normal life is supposed to be. The aching reality.

He's joking at work with his coleagues, laughting even, but he does not FEEL it.

He's started to run regularly. Like he could run from the numbness. Like he could run to a safer place. To a shelter, where the storm won't reach him. But there's no such place. No shelter.

So he goes out a lot. He drinks. He even kisses the girl next door who he thought he was in love with. Was he? Everything seems so fucking fake now.. so freaking UNREAL.

So he sits at the piano, there must be some joy in it, there'd always been.. He starts to play a melody, he'd heard it before but he's not sure where it's coming from. It's beautiful though.. suddenly he remembers. It's from that dream, from the other reality he cannot come back to. His eyes are filling with tears. Useless but real tears. His hands are shaking. He's about to lose it.. he screams. Scream resembling a wounded animal that's about to die.

Weeks passed and he's fighting every day to survive. To breath. He's struggling to crawl from his bed every morning knowing that there's only a thin wall between him and an endless abyss.

He tries to talk to his friend about it but it does not help. It hurts even more.. The look in his pal's eyes hurt. People who are closed to him can sense it. They see something has changed. Fortunately, not all of them can see he's broken.. for good.

The season changed and he's still here. Well, not still, but here. He's not about to quit.. not that he didn't think about it couple of times. Still trying to hush away the painfull memories, memories of something so beautiful that his mind is now incapable of understanding.

But he has to cope with it now, doesn't he? That everything good that's about to happen in his life won't measure up. That he might be loved deeply by other person but he couldn't love her back. At least not the way she'd deserve. That every moment of apparent happiness will always bring him back to that night. The night he understood. The night he finally loved and felt complete. The night when he felt he lived for the first time. But also, the night that took something from him, something he never even knew was there. The night something in the deepest of his chest has died. 


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174 Reviews


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Wed Feb 16, 2022 2:59 pm
MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Andrew here for a speeeedy little review (hehe see my drug reference there)
I'd agree with @MissGangamash overall that this is verrrry rushed
The tense is confusing, most of the time you are in the present tense, but every once and a while it slides back into the past. Keep an eye on that, a small mistake like that can really throw off a reading experience.
Overall grammar is a bit messy, so I'd advise running through and editing that. Grammar is not super hard, but it can really change how your work is read. Also your use of FULL CAPS is interesting, and not technically a mistake, but normally, if you want to emphasize a phrase, you can italisize it. But, that's completely up to you.
Into specifics!

So he did it. He took THE PILL. Why shouldn't he? His friend warned him, it could be dangerous, it could change his life forever. He might never be able to come back. But life is short, isn't it?

Okay, this is an interesting opening, the narrator seems to be almost first person, and how much it takes on the spirit of the character. The narrator himself sounds like he's on something, it definitely communicated that feeling of shacky eagerness, but it also feels a bit rushed.
Suddenly, this feeling started to emerge.. Slowly, at first, almost subtle. His memories of the past years were starting to fade. This new, fascinating colors and images begun to appear. He could do nothing but stare and admire the beauty of them, and the music.. Yes, there was music, this soft yet very captivating melody that was dragging him away from everything he knew. So THIS is happiness he thought, this is what everybody's looking for and only the luckiest one finds, am I that lucky? I can be easily the happiest guy right now, nothing I'd seen before, nothing I'd heard, nowhere I'd been and nothing I'd felt, nothing was real. This is real, this is IT, this is the meaning behing everything, I feel so enlightened! Oh my god, the music.. and I thought I knew what a true beauty is. Is this heaven? I'm afraid I've just died and this is heaven, it must be heaven because it's ubearable to embrace so much grace on earth. It's a dream, it must be, yet feeling so real, I'm getting lost in all of it, I'm in love because I'm the LOVE, I feel I can fly..

Hmm, a good start here, once again a bit breathless, like this man has grabbed me in an alleyway and is telling me this story before I'm able to push him off me. Which might be what your trying to do, but if it's not, I think you could expand this and make it even stronger.
He openes his eyes, there's silence and he's surrounded by darkness. He's little dizy and confused, where is he? Whad had just happened? He goes to the bathroom, turns the light on. He sees a reflection in the mirror.. something had changed. It's still him but there's a shadow, a shadow that had never been there before. He splashes his face with cold water to wake himself up but the shadow isn't going anywhere. He starts to tremble. He feels like something is missing. There's no way to describe it but he does not feel whole. It shall pass, he's telling himself. It shall pass..

Once again, an interesting idea, but one that could really be slowed down and explored more heavily. I want metaphors for how he feels empty, I want visceral descriptions of how that feels in his body, is there an aching in his chest or burning in his forehead or do his feet go cold.
Right here you say it's impossible to describe, which I find problematic. I get what you're trying to say, but how that feels is central to this story. Love is literally impossible to describe, but writers and poets have tried throughout centuries and got hecka close. So, I think, why not give describing it your all?
Days go by and he tries to come back to what normal life is supposed to be. The aching reality.

He's joking at work with his coleagues, laughting even, but he does not FEEL it.

He's started to run regularly. Like he could run from the numbness. Like he could run to a safer place. To a shelter, where the storm won't reach him. But there's no such place. No shelter.

So he goes out a lot. He drinks. He even kisses the girl next door who he thought he was in love with. Was he? Everything seems so fucking fake now.. so freaking UNREAL.

But the emboldened words are misspelled. This is a good advancement of the next idea, and getting us closer to *feeling* his nothingness, but I want more!
I like the italicized phrase though
So he sits at the piano, there must be some joy in it, there'd always been.. He starts to play a melody, he'd heard it before but he's not sure where it's coming from. It's beautiful though.. suddenly he remembers. It's from that dream, from the other reality he cannot come back to. His eyes are filling with tears. Useless but real tears. His hands are shaking. He's about to lose it.. he screams. Scream resembling a wounded animal that's about to die.

Weeks passed and he's fighting every day to survive. To breath. He's struggling to crawl from his bed every morning knowing that there's only a thin wall between him and an endless abyss.

He tries to talk to his friend about it but it does not help. It hurts even more.. The look in his pal's eyes hurt. People who are closed to him can sense it. They see something has changed. Fortunately, not all of them can see he's broken.. for good.

I like this where he gets a hold of it for a moment and that's even more painful. CS Lewis says about joy "All Joy reminds. It is never a possession, always a desire for something longer ago or further away or still ‘about to be"
I think that's super accurate is an interesting idea to explore in stories.
The season changed and he's still here. Well, not still, but here. He's not about to quit.. not that he didn't think about it couple of times. Still trying to hush away the painfull memories, memories of something so beautiful that his mind is now incapable of understanding.

But he has to cope with it now, doesn't he? That everything good that's about to happen in his life won't measure up. That he might be loved deeply by other person but he couldn't love her back. At least not the way she'd deserve. That every moment of apparent happiness will always bring him back to that night. The night he understood. The night he finally loved and felt complete. The night when he felt he lived for the first time. But also, the night that took something from him, something he never even knew was there. The night something in the deepest of his chest has died.
[/quote]
Pretty good ending, the last line of the story might be one of my favorite in it.
I think the themes of this story are interesting, it could be about drugs, or a metphore for the human experience, always knowing there's something more and greater, and never being able to grab onto it for anything more than a taste. But I think these themes could be more fully explored if you slowed down and took your time.
But that's just my two cents! Hope it helped.
All in all, an interesting story.
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew






Hello Andrew! Thank you SO much (yes, I like to use capital letters to emphasize things indeed :-)) for your review! I loved it and you made some really good points. You are right that it's a little rushed, I actually wrote it in one breath when I was a real mess and I might definitely add some more profound descriptions now when I look back at it with a different perspective. Also thank you for correcting the grammar, I've been studying english for more than 20 years and still making these errors, such a shame! Anyway thank you again for such a detailed and honest review, this is exactly the reason why I'm posting online - to get feedbacks like yours that hopefully will help me grow .-)



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Wed Feb 09, 2022 5:08 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello!

Okay, I think I get the idea. He took a pill to experience complete happiness through a dream and now he's depressed because life cannot compete? It's a cool idea but the execution is very rushed.

'This new, fascinating colors and images begun to appear. He could do nothing but stare and admire the beauty of them, and the music..' - this is a very vague description. What colours? What images? What is he seeing? What music? What is he hearing? Instruments? Singing? This dream is very important to the story so it would be good to really flesh it out so the reader knows just what he is missing.

'It's still him but there's a shadow, a shadow that had never been there before.' - again, very vague description. What kind of shadow? A full body shadow? Where is it cast? Is it off... like it doesn't fit or belong to him?

I think this could be really cool if you really ran with it. Tear this story apart and put it back together with more gusto.

Hope this helps!






Thank you so much for such a complete review! I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and reviewing it, means a lot :-).
I definitely agree I could have made a better description of what the author was seeing/hearing, you made a good point there.
Although this was actually not crucial for me in the story as it actually does not describe taking a substance. .-) I guess for me it is mostly about the feeling of total despair and disbelief after a person who means everything to you just abruptly leaves.. Anyway thank you again for your remarks, it's something to think about.



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Wed Feb 09, 2022 2:57 pm
luciisdead says...



beautifullll






Thank you very much :-)




It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
— Mark Twain