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Reed and Felix

by naominana

Reed is a girl. She is 17. She has blonde hair, almost platinum, and light blue-grey eyes. She is tall, is of slim body build and is pale. By Outsiders, she is thought of as calm, kind and collected but within the Pack, she has infinite bloodlust, and is willing to hunt down anything. Her family is from Russia, but she ranaway to join the Pack, where she climb up the leader ladder with ease. She is the AlFa of the Pack, the head female. She is in charge of the Lionesses and Cubs. She is more toward the agility and stamina skill, prefering to run down the prey before inflicting wounds without much power. Most prey chased down by her die by exhaustion and blood-loss.

Felix is a boy. He is 18. He has the darkest of brown hair, almost black. He has hazel eyes with a faint slant that you could only notice when you are within arms length. He has a lean build but is powerful, and steely. He is smart and charming, both in and out the Pack. It is almost impossible to hate him. He is a mix, Japanese and French, he still lives with his family but they don't notice when he is gone. He was founder of the pack and is the ALpha of the Pack, the head male, and is charge of the Lions. He is powerful and fast, enjoying to quickly run down prey and deal a powerful blow. His mark is the prey dead, guts spewed around the victim.

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38 Reviews

Points: 260
Reviews: 38

Sun Oct 13, 2013 11:02 am
SunsetSprite wrote a review...

Hello! I'm here to review your work!

I like this a lot, it's very different from everything else I have read on this site. It's really straight forward and I think that's a good thing for this. I reminds me of a painter, painting a portrait while telling the person what he is doing.

However, I have noticed a few things. The one thing is the lack of description in this. I know this is not a short story but without description it seems so...dull. I understand if you want to rant at me and yell, "THAT'S THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!" However, I beleive this could be a more powerful peice with just a tiny amount of description. Just a pinch.

Here's a little gramma problems:

"She is the AlFa of the Pack, the head female."

I think you mean Alpha.

"She is in charge of the Lionesses and Cubs."

Now, lioness and cubs are pronouns. They should be have capitals at the beginning of them unless they're important like a name, place ect.

"He was founder of the pack and is the ALpha of the Pack, the head male, and is charge of the Lions."

It's alpha and lion shouldn't have a capital l in front of it.

All in all, I love the idea. I just think you need to read it over and fix up a few things.

I'm only trying to help so please don't yell at me.

Catch you later!

naominana says...

Eheheh, I'm not going to rant at you...
AlFa - Alpha Female.
ALpha - Alpha Lion(male)
Lionesses - Females of the Pack
Cubs - New members
Lions - Male members of the Pack
Basically, I have a whole dictionary in my head with different meanings for my members.
Also, yes, it wasn't supposed to be a story and yes, it was only a shortdescription of what the characters are, but that's because I was thinking,'I SHOULD WRITE SOMETHING, WRITE SOMETHING NYAAAA!!!!!!'.
So, yeah.

SunsetSprite says...

XD It's alright.

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363 Reviews

Points: 28237
Reviews: 363

Wed Oct 09, 2013 6:33 am
DreamWork wrote a review...

Hi naominana,DK here with review on your short-story.

First of all,I like the way you describe Reed here as a beautiful girl (to me) and Felix.Not much story about them,you just giving the details and description until the end of the story. You still have not finished this yet,right? My dear, you have to work hard on grammar.There are lots of grammatical errors and misspelling. But I have no doubt,I think the story must be awesome to read when you finish this soon.Try reread and fix the problems.Keep it up!
Kudos,cheers. :)

naominana says...

Thx, again, as you say, it is an extremely rough draft, these characters are all they are. Characters. They have no story and They merely exist...for now.

He knew that elbow.
— soundofmind