In a room full of people, all the same
Suddenly I heard your name.
You came with the light of your own,
To me who was sitting alone.
That day you became my only vision,
When you asked me to listen.
You became my sun,
To whom if I get close,
I'll burn.
Knowing everything,
Still I chose to stay,
Rather than running away.
You will always be the light in my dark room of life,
Standing out from everyone present there alive,
Being the only one in my eyes.
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Canary word: Present
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142,214 Literary Works • 676,897 Reviews
Hey! This was a fun read! For starters, your burning, passionate love for this person really glimmers through!
This part I enjoyed most: the rhyming scheme, the meter, and the metaphors were all lovely! Though, that final line feels a bit forced, as if you're trying to make it rhyme. Beside that it was all lovely!
This part overall, in isolation, is also lovely. The conscious decision to hurt yourself for somebody else's love is expressed beautifully here! But, one thing, when it's put right after the previous section, because the rhyming scheme is broken so suddenly, it breaks the rhythm too. Maybe just a line gap separating these two sections would be enough. Though, some poems are this way intentionally, so if it was purposeful it works, since it made me mentally prepared for the burning idea (imo the best, most original idea of the entire poem!)
And also, I think this is intentional (if so, great job!), where the length of the lines of these sections goes from long to short and then to long again. It mirrors the idea you're portraying, that if you go in (complete self), you'll burn (ruined self), but you do it again (a new self, ready for the attacks). Loved this a lot!
The idea here is very good, and a nice way to conclude the poem. But these also feel a bit forced to make rhyme. Like the adding of "alive" in the second line feels that way a lot. And the third line is a nice wrap, but its length feels odd: its too long to be a punchy ending, and too short for it to match with the other two lines. Perhaps even removing the "Being" word, would be enough.
Overall, the poem just needs a little more polish, that's it! Your ideas, and your structure is really good! Happy writing!