z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

Brother Moon, Sister Sun

by na3f


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DUX

"One must have survived..."

Ducita's bark was a level whisper, but the ice in her eyes was colder than the snow that fell serenely over them.

Three immense grey wolves stood before her. The last great warriors of their pack, perhaps even their kind.

They were exhausted. The battle had lasted well into the night, and the pack had lost many brothers and sisters. They were heading home to their tribe after what they thought would be the final assault on this district, but if their ears had not deceived them, their night was not over.

A "Belua" had survived, and by the sounds of him a big one. An angry one.

Dux, the alpha male, assessed his troops sympathetically. Feror, their most vicious soldier, bore the brunt of the damage. His coat was matted with blood, a dull maroon glowing in the snow. A large crooked gash streaked from the back of his right ear (which now hung by a few nimble threads) to the side of his neck.

To a civilian he would look close to death, but Dux was a seasoned veteran. There was more blood behind Feror's eyes than what was spilled tonight. His cuts were not deep, and the loss of his ear was superficial. He was ready to fight again, perhaps even excited to.

Dux gave Feror a curt nod, which was returned with gusto. He shifted his gaze to his second in command, Agisteri. The wise wolf showed no signs of damage, on first glance it would seem there was no difference between the wolf that entered their battle fresh, to the wolf that stood before them now. But the eyes do not lie. The cost of avoiding damage is exhaustion, and Agisteri was spotless. Once a bold young Feror had claimed that soldiers without battle scars were cowards. Many years fighting alongside Agisteri had changed his opinion. No easy feat. However, the fact still remained, Agisteri was the most tired of the four. When it came to killing a Belua, Dux assessed exhaustion as a severe battle wound.

Dux looked on towards his final soldier, his son, Pectus. The young wolf was a spitting image of his father, if not for his smaller size and lighter coat. He had fought alongside Dux as new warriors do, though three of the four young wolves had perished where Pectus had survived. Whether or not Dux had taken an active interest in keeping his son alive over his other soldiers, was a mental battle he would have if they survived the physical one looming before them. Dux's young heart was beating eagerly, and thought he was inexperienced, his health and alertness were great assets this late in battle. The only wolf in better shape than Dux's three soldiers was Ducita, their guide.

Ducita was not of their tribe. She was an Iberian wolf from the bordering Adcolian district. Sagax, Ducita's alpha, had ordered her to guide Dux's soldiers through the Adcolian wilderness in order to eliminate the Belua horde that had ravaged her tribe. She had led them to the Belua, but had kept a reasonable distance from the battle. Dux didn't blame her.

There was one last wolf for Dux to assess, and that was Dux himself. The gray wolf's hulking figure towered over the other four. From a distance you would swear a young Belua was walking towards you(and many young wolves had run home thinking so).

Up close his appearance was not much softer. Three jagged scars ran from the top of his great head to the tip of his snout, a part of his nose missing, as if his creator had forgotten to colour in his nose completely. His coat was the darkest shade of grey, that at night time he was merely a shadow. If you did not look twice at Dux, you would think him a beast, a true freak of nature. But the eyes of a wolf do not lie. You would find no savageness there. Behind those windows was an endlessly vast ocean. Beautifully tranquil and calm, but an immensely awesome power lay in its waters. Heaven help the fool who provokes a storm.

Dux took a deep breath, and prepared to speak. But before he could deliver his orders, a murderous, blood curdling roar broke the silence again. It was a true monster...and it wasn't far.

"Pectus, on me. We will approach it from the front. Feror, you will run as far East as you can without losing our scent. Agisteri you will do the same to the West. When you hear my signal, Feror will run like the hounds of hell are at his heels, and flank our unwanted guest with all his might."

Dux paused for the spirited (or bloodthirsty) response from Feror that usually followed his orders, but it did not come. He simply began moving East. A shadow of doubt crossed Dux's mind. Perhaps he had wrongly assessed his wounds. It was too late to re-plan, he would have to maintain faith.

He continued.

"Agisteri, I want you to conserve your energy, approach at a slower pace to assess the situation. If it's wounds are heavy, and you can finish him, you must.

...

If we have failed completely, you must outrun the beast back to Domusta, prepare who is able for battle. "

"Understood.", Agisteri gave a curt nod before heading West.

Dux turned to Ducita.

"This is where you leave us. You must go to Domusta and let my people know of what has transpired."

"I am honoured to have served alongside your warriors.", Ducita replied, bowing low.

"Honour me by reaching Domusta in one piece.", Dux said shortly.

Ducita bounded off to the north.

Dux moved closer to Pectus. Father and son were shoulder to shoulder. They stood in silence, but with calm understanding. Two wolves silhouetted against the beautifully layered snow, enjoying the small flakes that landed and melted on their tired tongues.

*CRACK*

A large tree branch had snapped not too far in front of them, and the Belua's stench filled their noses.

"On guard son."

______________________________________________________________________________

FEROR

Feror walked steadily East. He had hidden the extent of his wounds successfully from Dux. And his wounds extended from Adcolion to Domasta ten times over. A particularly vicious Belua had thrust a claw inbetween his ribs to what felt like his lower lung.

Dux would have ordered him to go home if he had known, but Feror knew the odds. Agisteri was exhausted, and Pectus too young. That left only one able warrior, Dux, to fend off the attack.

Feror would not let his brothers and sisters die alone, just so he may live. Besides, there was no guarantee the healers in Domasta could fix him anyway.

But with each step, his breath began to get harsher, and a chilling thought began to invade Feror's mind.

What if I can't make it back to them?

The bloodied grey wolf came to a stop. He had a decision to make, and as a familiar smell tickled his nostrils, he would have to make it fast.

______________________________________________________________________________


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Thu Feb 18, 2016 7:43 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, hello!

I somewhat liked this story for the way you perceive a form of battle. There was some good description such as the wolf (who is named Dux) and you seem to create the feeling of tenseness after a battle. However, I suggest one thing: give some background info about what is happening. When I first started reading this, I wasn't sure if they were in a battle until the next sentence. For some, I think changing the POV from the main character to another character is nicely done. The reader can see from a different point of view, rather than focusing on one spot of the novel.
There isn't much action in this chapter. I feel there should be some description about the attacking between the wolves, not just saying "these wolves are going to fight". You do, however, set a new idea that the wolves are smarter than they seem and are going to have some sort of plan to attack the nearby enemies.

Feror would not let his brothers and sisters die alone, just so he may live Feror will not let his brothers and sisters die alone. As he continues to live, the wolf wanted his siblings to be there with him. Besides, there was no guarantee the healers in Domasta could fix him anyway.


Heaven help the fool who provokes a storm.


I love this quote.

Ducita's bark was a level calm whisper, but the ice in her eyes was colder than the snow that fell serenely over around them.


They stood in silence, but with calm understanding.


Should there be something after understanding? It feels unfinished without a proper ending.

Overall, this was an enjoyable piece. I don't have much to offer in the correction department, more or less, being helpful since I liked this piece. Hopefully you continue this story into a novel (as I can see you have a chapter 1 already.) It makes me wonder - why are the wolves fighting the "Belua"? What is the "Belua"? I suggest explaining more upon the creature, make it come out of the forest and start attacking the wolf pack.

If you like me to go over anything, let me know!

Steggy




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Wed Feb 17, 2016 3:48 pm
RubyRed wrote a review...



Hello, na3f. Wow. This is really cool! I can't wait to read the next part. I was going to make a long review but I couldn't really find fault in your writing. The only thing I want to comment on is your quotations.

"Understood." Agisteri gave a curt nod before heading West.


You should have a comma after "understood" because "Agisteri gave a curt nod..." goes with that.

"I am honoured to have served alongside your warriors." Ducita replied, bowing low.


Same here comma after warriors and "honoured" is spelt "honored".

"Honour me by reaching Domusta in one piece." Dux said shortly.


Comma after piece. "Honour" to "honor".

That's all I have to say. Good work! I loved this piece and I can't wait to read the follow up.

Keep writing and never get discouraged!



Random avatar
na3f says...


Hi Keepwriting (very fitting username!),

Thank you for your review, and suggestion. I think you're right, the grammar is incorrect with the quotations that have run on sentences, I will use commas going forward, so good spotting!

I actually did enjoy writing this story, so I will continue to do so when I get the time. Just a quick question as a new user on this website - is there any possible ways to edit stories after they have been published?

Also if I continue writing the same story, would it be more appropriate to republish under the novels section?

Thanks for your help.



RubyRed says...


Yes, you can edit something after it's been published. You click view works then on the side it will say edit work. You just click that and you can change anything you want. And you can if want to but more people view them if you post it with short stories.


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na3f says...


Thanks for those tips. I have edited my story now with the changes you suggested.

Just a heads up, I have published this story in the Books/Novels section and have written more if you're interested. It's under "Brother Moon, Sister Sun - Chapter 1".



RubyRed says...


Okay thanks. I'll take a look.



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Wed Feb 17, 2016 3:09 pm
VictoriaC says...



I love your names, so original. good work keep it up.



Random avatar
na3f says...


Thank you very much :)


Random avatar
na3f says...


Just a heads up, I have published this story in the Books/Novels section and have written more if you're interested. It's under "Brother Moon, Sister Sun - Chapter 1". :)




You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.
— Anne Lamott