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Shooter- a horror story

by mythic98

The gun shot rings in my ears as I stand there oblivious to the world as my best friend's light leaves her eyes. Slowly the idiot that f-d up my life came toward me, his face twisted beyond the point of recognition.?? "Marci go to your room!" it screamed.?? Obediently I ran there crying as I counted the following 4 gun shots followed. I counted them off to myself. 1...... Austin 2..... Richard?? 3...... Liam?? 4...... Dad Mom of corse was the very first one, but where was the shot that would end Peter's life? To my despair the shot did not come. Instead in the place of the shot peters blood curtailing screams found their way to my ears.?? The next sound was that of the lunatics footsteps on the stairs.... I knew my life was over then I decided to count down the final seconds of my life. ?? 1.... 2.... 3.... 4.... 5.... "Oh, Marci!" 6.... 7.... "Come on, Marci don't u do this now." I heard doors slamming open....?? 8..... I shut my eyes tight hoping and praying death would come fast.?? 9........?? "Now it's your time," now his voice a whisper as well as his chuckle at his joke.?? ??My door crashed open.??

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Points: 815
Reviews: 3

Fri Jun 29, 2012 12:08 am
HealeyAidan wrote a review...

Lot's of "..." and use only one question mark... but other than that, this was pretty good. I'd like to know how this happened, and what happens after this.

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Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Thu Jun 28, 2012 6:08 pm
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mythic98 says...

For every 2 question marks there was supposed to be another paragraph there

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Points: 746
Reviews: 8

Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:13 pm
BradenPowell wrote a review...

The first thing I noticed about this story, is that it is a single block of text. That's just a formatting issue though.

Another thing is that after the full stops you have 2 question marks like this: .??

"Marci go to your room!" it screamed.??
I didn't understand that. What is IT?

Corse is spelled course.

curtailing is spelled curdling.

This should be self explanatory, but you don't spell 'you' as 'u' in a story.

The idea was excellent, but the execution needed work.

mythic98 says...

Yea sorry it all got jacked up and in my notes it doesn't have the question marks

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Points: 779
Reviews: 4

Thu Jun 28, 2012 6:22 am
Satellite wrote a review...

First, let me say that was very interesting. There's something to work with here, but it's buried a little too far under the surface to clearly see. Remember that I said that and don't take what comes next too hard.

I think I understand the point of the story. It's from the point of view of a character who, at the beginning, is watching her family and friends be shot. It progresses to her running away and the "shooter" eventually chasing her somewhere and possibly (probably, from what I gathered) shooting her as well.

That's all well and good, but there are some gaping holes here and there. What is happening in the first two lines? Has she seen the "idiot that f-d up her life" before, or his he "f-ing up her life" because he just shot her best friend? Does this "idiot" scream for here to go to her room, or someone else. Why is this happening? Is he just crazy? Or is there something else going on? And at the very least, where is this happening? A house? What house? Whose house? Why are all of these people alone in one house where no one can help them? I understand that this is a really, really short story, but there needs to be some exposition. You can't just throw someone into a climax and expect them to understand everything that's going on.

No to mention I get a couple completely different vibes from your main character. In the first two lines she sounds resentful, rebellious, like she's about to fight this "idiot who f-d up her life." And then she's suddenly a meek and unassuming kid running to her room and hiding. I've never been shot at, so I don't know, but does being shot at transform someone like that? Also, what does "Peter's" scream mean? Why is she sad that he didn't get shot? Who is this Peter anyway? And why should any of us readers care about him? Now that I think about it, who are the rest of these people? Friends of Marci? Siblings? Perhaps I'm missing something but I have absolutely no idea.

Back to the story itself. What is going on at the end? Is this "shooter" searching for Marci? I gather that he's following her up to her room. Also, (this is just something I felt was off) why is she counting down the final seconds of her life? That act of extreme coldness and lucidity diverges again from what her character seems to be (to me at least). And I know you left it off open-ended, but I think that something this quick and packed needs a real ending.

Now for the biggest problem I have with this. A lot of people downplay how a story is formatted. I don't. How a story is formatted affects how people understand it and what they get out of it. I think you understand that because the way you wrote this story is really, really unique. But it's unique to the point where it's actually difficult to understand. I think I understand the question marks... but there are some places (particularly at the end) where they just don't make sense. Is Marci questioning the fact that her door is crashing open? Does she think that she's making up the sound? It's just very ambiguous, which isn't good when you're trying to make a reader feel something. Also, if you are trying to make statements into questions (which is what I think you're trying to do), don't leave the periods there. It makes it even harder to read with several different types of punctuation trying to do their own jobs.

Finally, again I know this is short, but that does not mean that it needs to be in one huge block. Make paragraphs!!! Break it up!! It makes it MUCH easier to read and to understand. Without paragraphs or breaks it basically becomes sensory overload to a reader.

Now, I know I just ripped a lot of your story apart, (and I'm sorry that this had to be your first YWS review), but that doesn't mean that I think there's nothing there. As I said before, there is a story here. It needs to be cleaned up and polished, but it's there. So please don't be discouraged. Just know that there is work to be done, and I'm sure that (if you so desire) you'll be able to do it.


mythic98 says...

Well thank you for the criticism
And it did have paragraphs when I wrote it originally on my iPod but when I copied it here for advice it put it all like that thank you again it is really helpful I'll polish it up and touch on the meaning some more and post it again to see what everyone says, thank you!

Stupid risks make life worth living.
— Homer Simpson