Reminisces of Jack Frost the Third (Chapter 2)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Continuing on to the last two chapters here.

First Impression: Well that was an interesting perspective into the other side of things. Still unclear who's the good side and who's the bad side but that's not a problem.

Let's get right to it,

The red eyed King loomed over his subjects with the sky's sanguine glow illuminating his face. He sat at the peak of the steep dais, where his gaze fell upon the entire Kingdom of molten rock and scorching horizons.

King Zian rose from his royally exaggerated chair and spoke. "I think the espionage force and the technological force need to cooperate a little more. I've heard from one of my ministers that you refused to cooperate with the technology crew you took along. People like you, who kiss my ass and then demand from me... I hate people like you."

In an instant, the hill began to tremble. The sword blazed with a blinding light, but it didn't bother Zian. When the glow died down, the entire hill was in the shadow of something as colossal as the core of a planet, and just as monstrous. A dragon.

Zian's eyes glowed red as he spoke."Scum from Arachnion again. I don't have to be eighteen years old to figure out who's from around here and who isn't. You want to know the 'legendary' secret of this peak? The legend of Raw-Si-Der? Here you go. This sword lay under the mountain, waiting for me. I was destined to wield it. That fool of a king - Richard f***ing Frost - had my father killed! And yet, he denied the act, and the kingdom of Arachnion backed their "loyal" king. That scum was no king. His son is no king. He is a boy..."

A minister stood forward and interrupted the barking King as he spoke. "DON'T UNDERSTIMATE HIM. He may be a boy, but DO NOT forget. So are you."

"There is a beauty in that lava that made people look beyond the hellish heat and build this kingdom." He paused and looked down. He continued, "Your will can get you much further than just fulfilling some stupid prophecy. Both you and I know that prophecies can be twisted and broken. You were never destined to destroy the Mutonian empire. It was your father who was meant to do so. I am the only one who read the prophecy and so I know. Destiny works in twisted ways. When we talk about destiny, there are two types of people in the world. The ones who fulfill their destiny without knowing it, and those who understand their destiny and fulfill it either in an attempt to prevent it, or by their own will. The trick is to live by your own terms. Your own principles.

"Because I don't give a fuck what people thi....." Zian was cut off by his uncle before he could finish. "WHAT? YOU ARE THEIR KING! THEY DEPEND ON YOU! YOU MUST SET AN EXAMPLE FOR THEM. If you do this, imagine what will happen when you're gone. The powerful will show dominance over the weak. Children and men will be butchered and women raped. Your actions determine this kingdom's future. Dragon Eye was not made by just metal and hardwork. It was also made by humble minds. It was made from peace. You cannot let it fall into chaos and the way you act in court, you are going to do just that. I believe in you. I know that you will execute just what I taught you to. Just act like a king. NOT AN UNENCUMBERED SWINE!"

A faint glow from the sky above lit the room. The throne's imposing presence glistened with crimson light, which shone in through the open roof.

Alright, now my first point is that some of your sentences tend to go into an overwhelming amount of detail, like this one, while others are left bare and almost sceneless. This makes it somewhat of a hard read and it may benefit from picking a middle ground.

The red eyed King loomed over his subjects with the sky's sanguine glow illuminating his face. He sat at the peak of the steep dais, where his gaze fell upon the entire Kingdom of molten rock and scorching horizons.

Remember, it’s okay for variation in sentences. Start one with a prepositional phrase more often, or change things up. So far everything feels stringy and monotonous when it can be so much better. Also, red eyed should have a hyphen between the words.


On either sides of the throne, in a straight line that extended to the centre of the small mount, the King's puppets lounged.

Side, not sides, Gravy. Remember what I said about variation? Now is a good time for me to use this as an example, so let’s start with a quick rewrite.

In a straight line on either side of the throne, the King’s puppets lounged on the centre of a small mount.

See, no unneeded words that make it hard to understand. Sometimes, Gravel, you give too much info.
A slender man stepped forward and bowed. "Speak." Said the King in a firm tone. The man spoke.

You may want to change slender to skinny, otherwise, I’ll associate him with a creepypasta, and I doubt that is what you’re going for. Also, speak should have a comma, so let me help you out a little (I wrote this in another review earlier, so I’m copying and pasting this.)

First off, it is a rule of thumb to use a comma at the end of dialogue if there is any confusion, though, in your case, if there is an action followed by the sentence, as yours had, you can use a period.

Though, if there is a break for action in the middle of a sentence you can use a comma. Example:

“Lacey,” May asked as she shook her head, “Did you go to the zoo?”

But you can use a period if there are two separate sentences.

“I didn’t mean to.” she smiled sadly, “I’m sorry, do you forgive me?”

Well, that was unneeded but I thought you may benefit from it if you didn’t know the rules beforehand. Also, I can’t take all the credit, I found something to help me explain it, but I changed the terms and made it into my own words

"I am Dexil. I work with the espionage team at the edge of the Universe. I am here to report some unusuIal activity."

I didn’t know unusulal was a word. Grav, you may want to download a spell checker or write this on Google Docs or do something that can help. I know that was a simple typo, so let’s make sure we can avoid that in the future.

Second, this doesn’t feel like the way someone would speak, even in a formal situation. Don’t worry, I won’t give you another example unless you ask me to, but it feels forced. Just talk to yourself for a moment, how would you word that? Not so stiff, more natural, human, even if you’re talking to a king

The King beckoned, and a woman brought him a glass of orange liquid. "Would you like some... Dexil, did you say? It's never a bad time for wine."

Let me point something out, the king doesn’t need to be capitalized, as it’s not part of his full title. If it were King ZIan, it’d need it, but it doesn’t in this case.


King Zian rose from his royally exaggerated chair and spoke. "I think the espionage force and the technological force need to cooperate a little more. I've heard from one of my ministers that you refused to cooperate with the technology crew you took along. People like you, who kiss my ass and then demand from me... I hate people like you."

You're using ”…’s” too much, when you want to indicate a slight pause, either say or use a comma/period, whatever fits.

He drew his finely-tipped sword. Runes engraved on its curved blade emitted yellow light. A ruby-like stone glowed at the pommel. "I thought I'd have some men take you to the middle of the star system and cast you into the fires of Helios, but that's not any fun now."

Your sentences are too short and all the same length, which disrupts the flow, making this hard to read on the first try.

Zian didn't reply. Instead, he pulled at the red stone in the pommel and instantly, an identical sword appeared in his left hand.

You need a comma after pommel.

In an instant, the hill began to tremble. The sword blazed with a blinding light, but it didn't bother Zian. When the glow died down, the entire hill was in the shadow of something as colossal as the core of a planet, and just as monstrous. A dragon.

This is just a block of text showing action, Grav, you can do much better. It flows badly, which takes away from the wow factor.

”Any last words? Oh and, this isn't for lack of cooperation. I hope you know that." He said in a calmer tone than before.

You need a comma after oh and he doesn’t need to be capitalized. Again, this doesn’t feel like the way people would speak, it’s too stiff, even for someone formal. Lastly, don’t tell us he’s calmer, show us.

He said, his voice surprising tranquil.

I’ll admit, still a bit “tellish”, but better, right?

Dexil's brow furrowed. He roared, "LONG LIVE THE KING!" And before he could say anymore, a fiery beam charred him to death.

Grav, after speech quotations, the next word isn’t capitalized unless it’s a name. But so far the plot has got me enticed.

Zian's eyes glowed red as he spoke."Scum from Arachnion again. I don't have to be eighteen years old to figure out who's from around here and who isn't. You want to know the 'legendary' secret of this peak? The legend of Raw-Si-Der? Here you go. This sword lay under the mountain, waiting for me. I was destined to wield it. That fool of a king - Richard f***ing Frost - had my father killed! And yet, he denied the act, and the kingdom of Arachnion backed their "loyal" king. That scum was no king. His son is no king. He is a boy..."

Nope, nope nope. This is one long block of text. It can be broken into AT LEAST three paragraphs and should be, for this does not flow. Also, last chapter you outright said the f-word now it’s censored, you need to keep that consistent.

"DON'T UNDERSTIMATE HIM. He may be a boy, but DO NOT forget. So are you."

You are using quite a lot of dialogue tags, that should be cut down on a bit. Underestimate is spelled wrong, also.

Felix replied with the same plain expression. "If you want to call yourself capable of even dreaming about defeating the third Mutoking blood born, you have to act instead of speaking. Apologies are for toddlers who can't crawl. I take you for a man. Or have you given up on your dreams and spirit of vengeance?"

Wow, that’s quite a twist, but it could have been held of for a later chapter, work around it, let us know the characters before you reveal something like that! Also, it’s bloodborne, not blood born.

He felt guilt. And that's all he felt anymore.

Again, don’t tell us, show us!

He felt unease in his stomach, his mouth went dry, he wanted nothing more than to disappear. All those work, but you know how your character is feeling and it’s your job to portray it, not tell it.

Zian walked into his uncle's chamber. He was nervous and there was no hiding or denying it. His uncle was looking out the window at the ocean of smooth lava that gave the sky its red glow.


We’re rewriting this to help the flow. Also, I’m not going to go through that block of text but there are a few spelling mistakes and you already know my critiques.

Walking into his uncle’s chamber, Zian trembled. He was unable to hide the chattering of his teeth as he noted his uncle, who was looking out the window and taking in the view that was an ocean of lava.

Left out a few words, but you see? Much more readable!

Zian walked out. He was a little relieved.

Again, show us he’s relieved, don’t cop out and be 2-d when you can go into a world of depth.


OVERALL:

Pretty good, I voiced all my concerns. The plot is pretty awesome, I will admit, and the characters feel real. I can’t wait to see the next chapter!

This is great work, not that i wasn't looking but i have no correction to give, the first review was all you needed.
I like the twist in this story, first i think Zian is evil and i am wondering what his devious plans might be but then as his ankle speaks i find room for posibilities. Also the fact that the two parallel kings are boys gets me offguard. Your gramma on point i've loved this and can't wait for the next piece, makes me want to post my own adventure. Plz keep up the thrill.

Hey Grav, it's Ethan here for another review.

I haven't read chapter one, or the prologue, but from what I've seen here, you have a very interesting story! Zian is an interesting character, the chapter started with me disliking him, but then as the chapter progresses I started to understand him more. I see the seeds of an interesting plot brewing, and I'm looking forward to seeing your future chapters.

As always, though, I want to give a little feedback of the things that maybe need fixing. Your story was pretty much clear of major errors, so here are the minor things I noticed;

Not so much an error, but I was thrown off by the entire chapter being in italics. I know it's just a stylistic choice, but I thought I should note that I was initially confused by it.

Also, in the line, ''He sheathed his finely-tipped sword,'' did you perhaps mean to say 'unsheathed?' 'Sheathed' would mean putting it into his sheath, and as far as I can tell he was drawing it, not stowing it.

Finally, just a general note to pay extra attention to commas. Commas are one of the fine points in grammar that are very commonly misused, so it's not a big issue, but you definitely feel it when they're missing/misplaced. An example is in the line "Tomorrow, you may lose all of it and one day, you definitely will." There are a few ways to make this flow better, the simplest is just to add a comma after 'all of it'. But I know commas can get complicated, so don't sweat this one too much.

All in all, a great chapter! Well written, I'm starting to get a feel for the characters, and I'm looking forward to finding out more about the world in later chapters. Great job, and as always, keep up the good work!

I'd like to thank @Morrigan @ShallowHouse @IconspicuoslyAlpacaing @LadyGemstone and @whatchamacallit for helping me out with edits and rephrasing, and @FlamingPhoenix for giving me company while I wrote.