Based on the title of the poem, I was pleasantly surprised. This wasn't at all what I expected. It's creative, and original. That said, let's move on to the important stuff.
my back is burnt just as badly
[s]as bad[/s] as the burns you left beside my lungs
'Chalant' isn't a word, is it? I couldn't figure out what you actually meant here.chalant dates
This is a fragment, unless it was intended to be part of another idea? Maybe the line before it? I'd consider adding punctuation to this poem, to clear things like this up.times that pass through broken vases of candy corn
just to avidly kill the difference. <-- no period there
in me.
go back, <-- no comma here to the beginning.
I couldn't tell where that second line there was supposed to fit. If it's alone, it's a fragment; if it's part of the first line, it's hard to make sense of it. This is another place that gives me the feeling this poem could only improve with more punctuation.the walls are redefining love
in love with closet doors
only to put a rounded coffee stain
I couldn't make sense of these lines at all, particularily the middle two lines. At this point I'd have to say, you need the punctuation. You can't afford to leave it out, because it's just too confusing. I didn't even know where to begin in analyzing these lines because I couldn't tell which words were meant to be in one sentence together, and which were to be in another.how much time do we have left
in our couching youth of lame
swirl around this basement out of a sitcom
these friends are substantial.
This is my favorite stanza in the whole poem, especially the first three lines. I love the butterfly reference, and there's just something about the rhythm of those lines that's lovely.it is because the butterfly
she walked out of the complex door
lined with DVDs and uncertainties
I’m afraid of commitment
from the socks on my feet
to the sway of the bedroom door.
Gumballs of lit candles? Honestly, I don't have a clue what could possibly be meant by that.go back to junior gumballs of lit candles
This doesn't make sense to me either. In the light of gross??dancing in the light of gross
A lot of this was hard for me to critique because I was confused, because of the lack of punctuation. That is, I think, the most benficial change you can make, adding punctuation.
But good luck with this, and if you ever want me to take another look at it, feel free to PM me. Keep in mind what I said at the beginning: this is creative and original. Don't lose that, as you edit this. Good luck!
Points: 900
Reviews: 268
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