The Story Board

by mystiquevander

Published December 9, 2010

We're not who we used to be,
that much is certain.
Still, nothing can stop us
if we want it back.
But we have become too lost
Between the pages
that illustrate today and
Outline our tomorrows.

We've forgotten how to write,
take our pens to paper,
And recast our days
Like the novel we had written,
long before we spoke.
We stretch and try to grasp it
but it's out of reach.
Whenever might we graze it,
cold shall it remain.

Then comes the inevitable.
We give into it,
The prying relocation
of our tortured souls.
Find a place to nest it in,
deep within ourselves.
If we forget that we have lost
The War against Words
Then we may find solstice here,
Deep within our plot.

Comments & reviews · 1
User avatar
BluesClues
Review
BluesClues wrote a review Review · Dec 10, 2010

Overall this was pretty good. I only have some minor nitpicks, one of which is silly.

We're not who we used to be,
that much is certain.
Still, nothing can stop us
if we want it back. [want...what back? Who we used to be?]
But we have become too lost
between the pages
that illustrate today and
outline our tomorrows.

We've forgotten how to write,
take our pens to paper,
and recast our days
like the novel we had written,
long before we spoke.
We stretch and try to grasp it [again, grasp what? The novel?]
but it's out of reach.
Whenever might we graze it,
cold shall it remain. [this line just kind of bugs me, but I'm not sure why, so I guess you can ignore this]

Then comes the inevitable.
We give into it,
the prying relocation
of our tortured souls.
Find a place to nest it in, [should that be "it in" or "in it"? it's good either way, just making sure it's the way it's supposed to be]
deep within ourselves.
If we forget that we have lost
the War against Words
then we may find solstice here,
deep within our plot.


All the emboldened first letters are just lines where you capitalized them even though it wasn't the start of the sentence. Ordinarily I wouldn't bug about this, but since you started off with having only the beginning of the sentence capitalized, I think it'd be nice to remain consistent and do that throughout.

Otherwise, very good, and I loved the last two lines. I heartily agree...

~Blue



How odd I can have all this inside me and to you it’s just words.
— David Foster Wallace