Published December 9, 2010
Constructive criticism would greatly be appreciated.
THE MAGICIAN:
If I place my hands on either side
of the door that you lean up against,
Will you retreat into the darkness
Or steady yourself for my cool embrace?
As nights mesh together in nonsensibility,
I fear that your fingers will cease their movement;
Like a light breeze ghosting across my pale skin.
So you promise to never stray from this fraility.
How may one put full heart on these words?
For they are only abstractions, it is actions that need.
But there is nigh else to do but trust-
Close my eyes and fall feelings first.
No longer can I feel much, you observe of me,
You miss the importance, however, of my quiver.
The one of gleeful anticipation that reeks of you,
of mornings where we lay sweat-strewn and smiling.
So applaud the crowd and appease the begger, I say,
For without all the pieces of the set,
You cannot, my Magician, perform your woes
That surely tantalize my very being.
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140,658 Literary Works • 673,583 Reviews
Hello.
I'm not really good with understanding (nor writing) poems so this comment may not be helpful at all >.<. Anyway, I've got a few nitpicks for you:
- Typo: 'frailty'
- I didn't get this.
I didn't actually understand the meaning of this poem. Maybe, it was because I wasn't paying too much attention while I was reading it >.<. I dunno. But, it is nicely done.
My child, you have a talent for the craft of poetry; there is no denying that. The way you flit around the edges of order and reality but never quite get there is enchanting, as is your language and imagery. I especially like how you liken the lover to a magician; the effect is quite--you know you saw this coming--magical.
Well, this is a pretty lame review but there you have it. Bravo!
I can't get over how wonderfully written this is. It's definetely unlike anything I've ever seen, which is good! Your choice of words is fantastic and I really enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!
It's a very good read, and it makes the mind wander.
It's short but sweet and holds attention.
I love it, please keep writing.
Thanks for the reviews and suggestions guys, it's really helpful!! Retrodisco666 I know it's cliche (what love poems aren't? lol), and I will definitely try and see if I can mess around with the fourth stanza to make it flow better. It's probably the uneven syllable count that does it, but I'll look into it, thanks! =D
RedLeaf I am glad you enjoyed this piece, for its one that I truly wrote from the bottom of my heart. Let me take out the ol' thesoraus and see if there's a better word to replace nonsensibility, heh.
Hey mystiquevander,
It's pieces like yours when I wonder 'Where is the "applaud" button?'. A truly magnificent piece to read, it is definitely now one of my favourites on this site. You asked for some "constructive criticism", but honestly, I'm left speechless. The imagery and story and feeling in this was overwhelmingly amazing, and something else you got right was the wording. Your vocabulary is really great and that was evident in this poem.
Maybe one little note, change the word "nonsensibility". It's a great word, but maybe a simpler one would help that line to flow better. But that's really it. I especially loved this part:
Wow! Powerful stuff. You're a beautiful writer and I know your future work will be stunning!
Best wishes for future writing!
RedLeaf
Hey,
*Claps* The poems theme is very generic and cliché which has been done a thousand times before, however, I rather enjoyed this. It was quetioning it and contemplating the idea that it may not be the way you want it to be.
However, I don't like the fourth stanza, it does not seem to fit within the rest of the piece and threw me off a little. But, I don't know why, sorry.
PM me for anything.
Keep it up.
~Retro Disco666