NOTE: I'm not really good at poetry, story-writing is more of my thing...but this was just swimming around in my head the other day...and i know its not good...suggestions are welcome:)
Drowning into an emotional hell
Slit my wrist open
Let the crimson red
Flow out
Wash out the pain
Until there is no more
Bury me deep
Deep into the earth
Into a void so deep
The pain is silenced
Raise me above
The skies so high
The pain is lost in the winds
My soul, drained
Not a breath left within me
Let me be asleep
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Is this from personal experience from feelings you have really felt, or is this how you imagine wanting to to escape emotional hell feels like?
If these are you own feelings, understand that what I say next is not a criticism of you or your poetry. There is no right or wrong way to express your feelings through poetry. Emotions aren't always pretty, or perfectly ordered and measured. Nor are they always popular, or easily understood by others. So, as long as you are writing from your heart, it is enough.
But, if your goal is to share those emotions with others, you need to learn how to communicate those ideas with clarity and sensitivity to your audience.
A big part of being sensitive to your audience is including an age appropriate rating, and adding a trigger warning when you know that your topic deals with mental health issues(especially cutting and suicide).
Another part of that sensitivity is avoiding over-used imagery and ways of saying things.
As in: crimson red, wash out the pain, skies so high, void so deep, pain is silenced.
Using these takes away from the validity of the poem because these words and images have been used so many times, by so many writers, that they have lost their meaning to readers.
That is the definition of "cliche".
So, in order to overcome this communication barrier you need to dig deep within yourself and draw out the words the way you would draw water from a deep well. Bring us on the journey, show us the emotional hell that has led the narrator to this point.
Reading similar poetry by other writers will also aide you in this, since you will be able to see what other people are saying, plus identify which poems move you emotionally, and which make you feel as though the author was not sincere.
My closing statement:
If this was purely a creative endeavor, I will not tell you what or what not to write about. Just look at Poe. What if people had told him not to write such gloomy, strange, and depressing poetry. It's what he became known for!
But, as a writer to another writer, I would encourage you to seek a less touchy theme.
At least until you have become more developed as a writer, and better able to communicate your ideas with clarity and awareness.
Whatever the case, never quit writing, poetry or otherwise.
I knew what this poem was going to be about when I opened it up but I didn't know you were going to be so intent on sticking to the title. "Emotional hell" can mean a lot of things depending on the reader and I'm a bit put off by the lack of explanation. You go straight from dropping the phrase to an almost glorification of self harm through cutting, which I see a lot in any poem dealing with the slightest hint of suicide. Everyone chooses cutting as their form of self harm in pop culture, even though we really need to get beyond just that.
I have a lot to talk about within this stanza for all of the bull crap you're shelling out but the bigger problem at hand is with the structure. Structure plays into the flow of the poem. It's a very simple rule that most poets don't seem to be aware of when they go about their presentation. The structure matters just as much as the content, and sometimes it matters even more.
And this structure is lacking on both sides. I would like to see the lines throughout the poem combined to take out some of the choppy read feel.
One thing you certainly need to add, without doing any major edits to how the lines are shaped, is implore a few pieces of grammar. We're always walking a tight rope with the use of commas but I think that you need to add a few to make the flow operate within your poem. And this poem would also do good with including some periods to cause a full stop, rather than trying to keep the motion flowing.
I'm not a fan of how you continue to talk about pain and see extreme manuevers as the only way to get rid of it. I know that this poem is supposed to represent the hell that the narrator is trying to live through. But I still can't take the feeling that it's throwing at the reader. It presents the idea of the only way out, which is super cliche by the way, and for me it shifts how seriously i can take the content you're presenting.
The writing is almost a childlike presentation of self harm and suicide?
I do not judge a writer by their age but by the feeling I get for how much they know of dealing with themselves, and the outside world. This screams a level of inexperience in dealing with this topic. I don't think you meant to be so hurtful with this presentation but now I'm telling you that it needs at least a trigger warning. And I would really hope for some sort of shift in content.
I don't see too much of a meaning with this stanza, outside of providing a direct contrast to the previous ideas mentioned. The only feeling that I get from this is maybe trying to talk about the afterlife, but I don't get that vibe from the rest of the poem. And I also don't think that a mention/discussion of the afterlife would fit into the drama of just getting rid of the pain.
The narrator only has one concern.
I do like the effort that was put into the final line, to bring the entire poem together. It's a feeling that many people probably share and have experienced, but I'm still feeling off about the entirety of the poem.
There is a lot to work with but a lot of work to be done.
Change your position a bit.
Change your structure and grammar.
Prioritize the feelings going in.
Good luck.
- lizz
The flow was kind of choppy, and to be honest the topic was cliche. Depression is probably one of the most overdone topics in poetry, and wrist cutting is up there too. I don't want to offend you if this is written from personal experience, but if you're going to write about something like this, you need to be more creative with your language and imagery.