At the end of a day,
Groaning sound of a black spider
In a shadowy gloom
Under wooden window of a room
Took a little boy’s sleep away.
His dilated pupils followed
With a sudden feel of dread
Spider’s journey of swinging
From thread to thread.
Seeing her eight eerie eyes
And the hourglass shape on her underside
Took him by surprise.
Kept moving his curious head
Till spider descended to his bed.
Held two front legs under her chin,
Whimpering: “this sad I’ve never been.”
As he leaped out to find an empty jar
She jumped on his pillow
And began singing like a star.
“Is there any ear to carefully hear me?
I’m going under and under
For I’ve made a fatal blunder.
Found the very heart to capture;
Yet when I caressed him in rapture
Fragile dreams of mine began to fracture.
No longer beat his heart after my sweet bite of love.
And then with no intention
Yet caught in a self-dissension
With a sudden savage hunger,
I ate him up
And nothing left, of my poor pure love
Deep in agony
Told my tale of woe to ma.
Touched by my teary eyes,
She revealed all her cruel lies
And, too, confessed to killing pa
And after the bitter truth had been spilt
She shed not one sole tear of shame nor guilt.
And said with a mirthless smile:
“With yourself you need to reconcile
Black widow we are called.
And it’s not our fault
Born we were to tear love apart.”
For embracing my fate was beyond my ken
I ventured out of our gloomy den
Wondering how I shall hence dwell in
This perpetual triangle of finding love
Ruining and then pining away
How shall I find another way?
And awhile been knocking all the doors
Too many threads to reach land of yours,
The great land of suicide.
Thus would you please end my sorrow?”
She then jumped from her stage, the pillow.
With a jar in his hand the boy returned
Not understanding a word spider said
Found her floundering on the bed
Thus put her inside the empty jar
And threw it out of the window far
Far away from his sight.
And little spider sighed
“Then why am I still alive?”
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hit fizzygirl here for a review.
Feel free to ask if you have any questions about my review and I hope it helps you improve your writing.
Firstly I really enjoyed reading this poem, it was easy to read, good grammar, no spelling mistakes, good structure and good punctuation. It had a story line but also it had a poetic feel to it, I also like the way you phrase your words example: thus put her inside the empty jar.
It gives the poem a historical feeling, I'm not sure I can explain it but you did a brilliant job with the way you phrased it.
I'm curious to here more about this spider and I'm wondering where the spider sill end up, I think another poem following on from this one would be great, and you addressed the whole animals have voices too idea which I admire. I really loved this poem and the more I read this peice the more I wanted to hear more and I would love to read another poem leading on from this and maybe more adventures and problems this spider runs into to?
Keep writing either way and I hope you found this helpful.
-fizzygirl
Hey there mysteri0n and welcome to yws! It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
There's a light rhyme scheme running throughout the course of this poem but it comes and goes and I can't always follow it. Like at the beginning I could the skipping of the lines but it's not really obvious (I guess that's the right word), if it's meant to be intentional or not. The rhyming did seem to add some good to this poem so I would think maybe being a bit more blatant about it would be necessary. Perhaps by setting down some stricter rules for it to follow because it bounces around between two or three patterns.
Two, the punctuation (or lack thereof) in the piece really put me off and got me distracted from the actual content and text going on. In the very beginning there was some but it didn't really seem to work because there was a lot of unnecessary things. And then in the next line you would be missing a comma. This is certainly the case at the end, where there should definitely be some commas in place to guide the flow along the right path. I can see the natural pauses after the end of the lines and you should really go back through and examine them. Take this line for example:
Following how it sounds, I would strike a comma right after returned and really after most of the line breaks you already have. It wouldn't be that hard to figure out what was needed where, just being committed to changing them up a bit.
Three, the actual content of the poem is really cool and this whole conversation and story going on drew me in. I rarely say that about poetry pieces but this seems like such an odd and entertaining little story. One thing I will point out though, is that you're missing some of the signs marking your dialogue. In stanza 8 for instance, I can't really tell how much of that is supposed to be dialogue and what is just the surrounding text.
All the things I talked about, are just small things but changing them up a bit would help the poem as a whole. Every bit counts.
If you have any questions about this review or anything else, feel free to ask me or any other mod wearing red or green.
Good day and good luck.
~Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs
Hello, this is your resident Black King and collector of Demon Rent, here for a review! So, I really like the imagery you have going on, it's pretty specific yet very abstract. The flow of this work is also very unique, I feel it almost borders between unsynchronized and perfect flow, which I quite like. There's also some nice sub-messages that I interpreted from the piece, though whether those were intentional or not I'll leave up to you.
As for critiques, I don't think theres anything big you need to change, but look through each line a few more times tweaking where it doesn't flow the best.