Famous Deaths

Did you pluck this straight out of your journal? The whole piece makes me feel like you hate people, and the word 'we' means you're including yourself. You seem angry. The piece intrigues thought, but it feels like a blog.

myintensity wrote:The deaths of the famous are usually a huge shebang I would end this sentence here, and omit the 'and' in the next sentence. whether we loved or hated them, and we simply cannot help it. I tend to wonder why we focus so much on them when deaths occur everyday numerous times. 'When deaths occur numerous times every day' flows more smoothly The death of a child who was starved or a prisoner of old age, and this happens all the time. This sentence needs rearranged too, it's confusing and awkward as is. Yet we bury it in our own graves and try to forget the millions of lives taken each day.deep! love the metaphor. We do not care about the old man that was considered ugly and weird. He had Do you mean 'has'? died all alonecoma due to our selfish waysend sentence, and I would begin the next sentence 'But,' rather than 'and' and now that an actor we know nothing about has died we all want to pay our respects and do them justice. How come we haven’t opened our eyes and really experienced the pain and suffering out there. question mark It will hurt like hell coma but maybe by reaching out we will get just a little closer to heaven. Let’s take a risk by bringing out the good and help I think this should say 'helping' others. Pay attention to your surroundings and you never know what may come out of your encouragement or even a simple smile. Instead of being the ideal person we have lowered our standards to just making yourself happy or just getting the new best thing. I understand your point, but this sentence is awkwardly worded and has no flow Must we be so horrible to each other and ignore the obvious truths out there.question mark Yes coma some things are not pleasant to face coma but we need to try. Ignorance is unforgettably wrong, and no longer will we be fooled. Is this the same we that only cares about death when it's a celebrity? We should focus on what’s right and on others well being. Along with some do you mean less? suffering coma happiness will eventually be reached.

~myintensity~

Welcome to YWS! I'm pretty new myself. I hope you like it here as much as I have so far. Let me know if the review helps or if you want any help or advice.

See you around!
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Aw you're new!! Well then, welcome to YWS! I shall be your friend now x)
Call me CF/Freak

and now that an actor we know nothing about has died we all

"that an actor" makes no sense and confuzzled me ( ). Maybe you forgot a couple words, because "has died" makes no sense either. Did you mean 'how he has died?'

How come we haven’t opened our eyes and really experienced the pain and suffering out there./ Pay attention to your surroundings and you never know what may come out of your encouragement or even a simple smile.

This is a question and continued question so there should be a question mark instead of a period, but I'm sure you know that. xD

I don't know what person you are using; first person, second person, third person, third person omniscient? Example: "Instead of being the ideal person we have lowered our standards to just making yourself happy or just getting the new best thing."

Must we be so horrible to each other and ignore the obvious truths out there.

Again, this is a question; question mark.

Along with some suffering happiness will eventually be reached.

There should be a comma after "Suffering."

Anyway this piece is very good and it makes you sound intelligent. Really good job and keep writing