Published June 17, 2008
This one doesn't have a picture. Sorry.=(
R.ed R.iding H.ood
Wolfish BoyA saddening surprise
When Red reached her grandmothers’ she felt something was wrong. The door to the cottage was slightly ajar, Red saw as she approached.
The wolf leader looked up at her with question. “Stay here,” She said and pushed the door open. Her figure was quickly engulfed by darkness and so she stepped lightly but speedily through the house. You could hear a gasp when she reached her grandmother’s bed. She froze for a second as she watched a wolf not gobble her grandmother whole, but gobble her just the same.
The wolf turned, blood dripping from its mouth. It came after her as she ran. A loud thud came as the wolf jerked Red to the floor. She quickly turned over and held off the wolf as it lunged for her neck. A quick and easy kill but Red wasn’t going with out a fight.
Then the wolf went flying as a shape collided with it. It was the boy again. He had a knife and a hard look on his face. The wolf fought back and the boy was getting scratched up. It was finally over when the boy gave a hard thrust of the knife and the wolf went limp.
Red sat there as the boy came over to her. She came back to her senses and saw the boys wounds. “I-I better get something to clean your wounds,” She said and headed for the kitchen. The boy followed.
She grabbed a cloth and dampened it. She pulled the fur coat around him ever which way she needed it as she cleaned his wounds. The boy didn’t say a word as he watched her hard working face. She did not cry either. It didn’t look like she could. She was too focused. He pulled his hand to her cheek and she looked up, locking eyes with him.
A light clack, clack, clack came into the kitchen. They both turned and a wolf looked back. It bent it’s head and transformed into a wolf boy younger than the one before her. He was now kneeling, his head bent. “Clean the house up,” The wolf boy before her said to the younger. The younger wolf boy nodded his head, got up and walked out of the room. Red turned back to look at the wolf boy in front of her. He looked back. “I’m Lesara. You can call me Wolf if you like though,” He said.
“What does Lesara mean? I mean… how did you get it?” Red asked.
“Lesara means leader in wolf language. Wolf language can get confusing so you as my bride I shall translate to you when one tries to talk to you,” He said. “I presume you are Red?” She nodded her head. He gave a smile and they looked at each other for a while longer. Soon there feet padded through the house and Red flinched as they passed her grandmother’s bed. Wolf pushed at her away from the painfulness.
When they came out the door Red found more wolfish people. They bowed there heads and a young one came up to Red and held out a crown of flowers. One of the older ones rushed up and tucked the young one away and flinched as Wolf’s hand came up to strike. Red’s hand came up in difference and grabbed it. She gave him a look and his face softened. Both there hands came down beside them and the older women one opened there eyes a crack. There rigid features softened and she brought the girl back out.
Red leaned down, face to face with the little wolf girl. She placed the crown on her head and said, “Sato Ligono.” Red gave a smile and looked up at Wolf.
“She said safe living. It’s a tradition for one to say that to the bride,” He said. Red gave a smile.
“Lesara!” A voice boomed. Red flinched and the older one and the younger one went back to there files, there heads bent as all others bent there heads too. A wolf man came down the isle, his hands behind his back. He held a stern face. He stopped in front of them. Red took a glance at Wolf. His was plastered into a grimance. She turned back to the wolf man. He was looking her over. He stopped and took his eyes to Wolf. “Insi wasory hesa,” He said to Wolf.
undefined I want her- the wolf man said in wolf language undefined
Wolf’s hand came over Reds’ and he held it behind his back. Red looked at his face and it showed anger. “Insi sie nagato,” He hissed at the man.
undefined I say no- Wolf said in wolf language undefined
*The ones in the undefined are spoilers. It wouldn't work=(*
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,425 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: This sounds like a fun little twist on this classic fairy tale. I'm not quite able to understand half of this, maybe I just read it too fast or maybe I haven't read an earlier part of this. Either way it is slightly confusing.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Uhh...well that was an interesting choice of opening there. Definitely expecting that...we appear to be getting right to the main action here.
Whoa...well that's a great start to an action sequence.
Alright...pause there a bit...where did the boy appear from...if it was a boy perhaps a surprise would work there but when you say the boy it implies he was already there and you clearly didn't mention him in the description so that is a little confusing.
Alright well...that took a turn again.
Uh oh...well that looks pretty scary to me...she just goes with all of that? Or is this perhaps sequel to something that I haven't read?
The descriptions are wonderful but I am still soo confused as to what on Earth is really going on here.
Well that is interesting...
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall it was a pretty fun little story. I think there's a lot of interesting worldbuilding behind this and I would definitely read more to see what this world is all about. Anyways that's all I've got to say.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Yes - some. But you still tell a lot. It will get better with practice and over time. =D
I just commented on your Alladin story. Interesting, but too much tell! ;-;
But that's alright. You are getting better, and soon it'll hardly be a problem.
Quick nit-pick...
'The wolf turned, blood dripping from its' mouth.'
No apostrophe needed there.
And...
'As she watched a wolf not gobble her grandmother whole, but gobble her just the same.'
Doesn't really flow at all. Fixies?
All deh bestestest,
-SELAAA
I shall get working on all those problems.
Thanks a bunch!
-Amber
And the reason the characters are so lame and not very expanded is because a lot mre comes in later. Trust me I'm not haveing -I hope- to much problem in the next few chapters.
Okay is this better?
Before I do the over-view, I'm going to grab a few mistakes.
Ajar, not agar. Also, these two sentences don't fit right. I'd put it more like this...
"As the cottage came in sight, Red stopped, feeling something was wrong. The door swung ajar, a foreboding sign."
Something of that sort.
This is the kind of paragraph that makes me flinch. Every single sentence begins with 'She', which not only makes it awkward, but also boring. Re-phrase!
'Its' not 'it's'. I used to have that problem.
What I did to fix it was simply to think about it's. Whenever I used the apostrophe, I pictured 'it is', and whenever I was using it in the possessive, I thought 'not it is, just its.' It gets kind of confusing, but it's a good thing to practice. =D
(You repeat 'it came after her'. Fix?)
You really, really seem to have a problem with this. It - again - is all telling. 'Red did this, the wolf did that, Red did this, the wolf did that,' etc.
There's really no dialogue at all, and all these dumps of telling makes what could be a really cool story unbearably boring.
I could quote the next few paragraphs, and you have the same problem. To make it more interesting, you need to really picture it. Don't just tell the reader what happened, tell them all about it. I'm not that good at explanations, but it just - it lacks the excitement a story like this could truly use. Picture yourself in the situation, be more observant. It will go a long way.
Okay! Now to do the ENTIRE over-view, since I already seemed to have wandered into that area.
PLOT
'I see problems!'
Harrumph! Er, here we go.
To begin with, the plot is cool - a great idea. You seem to have great ideas for stories, and then you end up not expanding too well on them. From what I've read, I've managed to gather that Red is now the bride of werewolf, that a wolf that was apparently wild ate her Grandmother, that there is a lot of them, and that another wolf wants Red, besides the leader.
Honestly, this could be boundlessly amazing. A re-make on Red Riding Hood! But you still have a lot to iron out about your style. I remedied a few problems before I began this section, but I still have a few things to say, later on. Just a quick suggestion before we continue - Don't tell so much - SHOW!
CHARACTERS
This is another area that could use serious help, although you have fixed it up a bit since 'Get over it, my friend'.
The problem - there aren't any.
Alright, think about it this way. If you put Red, Younger Wolf Boy, Leader, and Huge Werewolf into a conversation, could you tell them apart? I'm pretty sure I couldn't. There's just no difference between any of your characters. There's not enough dialogue, and what is there is very unreal and card-board-y.
You need to develop your characters. Red has to have a personality, as do all the rest. You need to think of what they're like, so the one who reads your story doesn't just see lots of cardboard squares tottering around saying boring things.
A good thing I do is ask myself questions about it all, trying to pour their personalities into what they say.
Dialogue
This will be a very short section, as there was hardly any at all. What there was reminded me of one, very uninteresting person talking to itself. And that was it. Like I said, pour the characters into what they say! It will help. =D
Little Tidbits and Good-Byes
Just a few more random things to say now.
First - My suggestion is to throw out what you've written so far, and start again. Like I said earlier: The plot is great, but the way you expand needs work! There's not much to speak of so far, and even a ton of editing won't be as effective as a fresh start. =D
Second - You have oodles of potential, but to get really good, you need to really put every tip into action. That way, you'll get better doubly quick.
And that's - basically - it. All I have left to say is...
Don't give up! Keep trying; you're getting better already!
All the best,
- S E L A L.