Language Violence

The Cave

There were three. Then there were four. Seven. Twelve. Eighteen. Hundreds. Thousands. Until there were four once again.

In the cave inside the valley there stood the four, hidden by bare trees and whirlwinds of fog-like dust. The walls were smeared with glossy sludge and the dead creepers spread like veins from the farthest end of the valley and into the mouth of the cave.

Scraps of dress socks, chewed-up stockings and a long skirt were folded neatly on the muddied floor. Two of the four had worn socks, and the other two wore skirts.

The night melted into soft shades of violet, red, and orange. They had hoped for damning winds and rain and blue thunder and sounds. Instead, gleams of light peeked through the barricade of gray vines loosely hung at the cave's entrance. One by one, fingers shook and cold faces grew crimson.

The four looked like terrible statues. The light tattooed their pasty skin, dancing against their flesh as the vines swayed. And as exposed and naked as they could be in the near darkness, the attention from the sun fed their minds well. With hearts permanent to winter's touch, the rays of light stirred heedless thoughts into their minds. Thought after idea and thought after more idea.

One pair of socks on. One skirt on. One pair of socks on. One skirt on. One, one, one, one, one. Their chests heaved up and down as if they had sprinted over the green hills and back. The third of the four dragged her nails into her shoulder blade, muttering five words under her breath.

What the world would have thought of our four was simply that they were blind to were the moments of the people, of the outside, beyond the cave. They would claim the lot were a collective tragedy of lost promise, absent of the white picket fence and the potential for a creation as necessary as a child. To be wed in faith, to be rewarded in the golden claps of your interns, and to be revered as a pregnant woman should.

But no, as romantic and glorious that future would have been, the four have chosen subtlety. This didn't mean avoidance of the public, or expressive triumph or even of flattery – it meant secrecy.

Secrecy of extreme truths to either inspire or damn you; secrecy of selfless intentions with grand wakes; secrecy of one's hidden passion – enough passion to question whether your ribs or your heart were hurting you.

The rest of the world didn't understand what secrets were. Always flitting from mouth to mind to mind to mouth to mouth to mind until the shock of surprise was dulled by commonplace of the gossiped fact.

Of course, the four had good reason for babysitting their secrets. No one liked a tattle-tale.

Not everyday surgeons were given live, healthy subjects and were told to murder them.

- myfairladybug -

The adrenaline of it was an understatement. They were addicted. Addicted with the adrenaline, their lives, themselves, each other, and the twisted silver lining of a knife.

So, you see, their resolve for murder was never intended to be nourishment for grief and the Angel of Death, but to impose penance, granting chance for both sinner and innocent. They, with steel grips and sly hands, offer criminals another chance in a different world – one where wrongdoers felt parallel to the land and the sky. To tumble through doorways, toes deep in wet sand until He has forgiven them. Purgatory was comforting to those with shallow breaths and a bruised conscience. An easier route, if you will.

They were helping the environment with established structures for eradication, and ridding the filth that stained the heels of their shoes. All the while pleasuring themselves with the thrill, settling for no less than the divine.

No ungodly criminal was to walk, let alone breathe again. The four wouldn't have it. They wouldn't have it.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
mmad Review
mmad wrote a review · Fri Feb 27, 2015 6:39 pm

Hello myfairladybug!

Great story! It really brings up the questions, what did those four people go through, who are those people, and what did they see? This is a very interesting story and makes me wonder about this. Errors occur here and there, pointed out below but I find this story intriguing and gives me the need to find out more! Keep up the good work!

-mmad

Hi!
Thank you for you review! I really appreciate the input. :)

User avatar
Twit
Review
Twit wrote a review · Fri Feb 27, 2015 2:53 pm

Hi myfairladybug! (Awegreat name, btw)


There were three. Then there were four. Seven. Twelve. Eighteen. Hundreds. Thousands. Until there were four once again.

Awesome beginning!


Under the cave inside the valley there stood the four, hidden by bare trees and whirlwinds of fog-like dust.

I'm having a bit of difficulty picturing this - "under the cave" is like sub-subterranean, so it seems a bit weird that there would be trees there so deep underground. Unless these are just like super hardcore trees, in which case ignore me.


Scraps of dress socks, chewed up stockings and a long skirt was folded neatly on the muddied floor. Two of the four had worn socks, and the other two wore skirts.

What are dress socks?
Chewed up = chewed-up
Was = were


With hearts permanent to winter's touch, the rays of light stirred heedless thoughts into their minds.

This doesn't sound right. "Permanently attuned to winter's touch", "permanently closed to winter's touch"?


Their chests heaved up and down as if they've sprinted over the green hills and back.

They've = they had


What the world would of thought of our four were simply that they were blind to were the moments of the people, of the outside, beyond the cave.

Of = have
Were = was
I'm struggling to make sense of the end of the sentence. Suggest reword.


They would claim the lot were a collective tragedy of lost promise, absent of the white picket fence and potential for a creation as firm as a child.

Unclear wording.


But no, as romantic and glorious that future would have been, the four have chosen subtlety.

Have = had


Secrecy of extreme truths to either inspire or damn you; secrecy of selfless intentions with grand wakes; secrecy of one's hidden passion – enough passion to question whether your ribs or your heart was hurting you.

Was = were


- myfairladybug -

Why is this here?

--

Hi!

So, I'm a little confused by the ending. At first it was about the four in the cave, and it was more mundane with details about their clothes and random socks - but then suddenly it was talking about Purgatory and everything, and it wasn't clear to me how those things tied together.

Your writing is really great; a very unique voice and lovely description. It's just the ending where I was confuzzled, and I didn't really "get" how the first half connected with the second half. That could be my fat head, though.


-twit

Hi!
First off, thank you thank you thank you for the mistake checks. As you can tell, I'm really bad at editing my mistakes so I really appreciate you taking time to dissect it. Eeek, I've got lots of them. I fixed most of them so it's hopefully a little better.
I'm happy for all the input 'cause I have some difficulty trying to make it flow right, but some confusion was intended to make the story interesting (...I guess, LOL).
Anyway, thank you again for reviewing and hopefully you'll review my next chapter that's coming up... eventually. :)

User avatar
ka67
Review
ka67 wrote a review · Wed Feb 25, 2015 5:58 am

Hey there! ka67 giving a very late night(or early morning! :D) review for you! Mostly cause I have an unearthly sleeping schedule!

Anyway, at first I was thinking 'wow this is written really well and hard for me to understand. wow I shouldn't even review it will be so sub par!' but I'm gonna try my best!!

Lemme begin with the basics. Grammar and spelling and all that nasty stuff!!
Okay, so in the second paragraph you say the word 'spidered' which seems to not be a real word. And I understand it was written probably quickly/ on a whim/ with emotion but possibly find another word to explain what you're trying to say?
Then, paragraph seven is...
'...thought of our four were simply that..." that were should be a was

The second paragraph after -myfairladybug- had the words "..intended to be a nourishment..' and the A before nourishment is unnecessary so that can be removed :)

Spelling is all gooood!!


Onto my personal opinions on your story!

At first it was super duper confusing. I had no idea who you were talking about ,what the point of their existence was, how they fit to the story. Nada. You had some confusing lines but at the end the explanation was there and then it all fit like a EUREKA moment. So, I do love the story. It is so interesting and captivating and there seems to be so much interesting stuff and and I really would enjoy reading more!
I think exhaustion is getting to be! Gosh this is suuch a bad review >.< Sorry, just wanted to squeeze one in before bed!! Good night, and if you have questions ask! I'll try and clarify some things up :)

Hiya! Thank you so much for your review, really loved it. :)
I appreciate the opinions and the grammar review because it really helped. I really hope you read my next chapter - coming up soon, I hope haha.
Thank you, once again!



According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
— The Bee Movie