She peeked with clouded eyes to the stars, in hopes the sky would melt into every bit of the watery blue of her Mama's eyes. Oh, how she wished it to be dawn already. Where the sweet sun kissed her shoulder blades, and the humid heat drew her to a gentle daydream. Grandaddy, god bless his soul, murmured to a huddled patch of a former dried pasture, faded creases blemishing a proud smile. Her Mama would caressing with the light baby hair nearing the nape of her daughter's neck, and kiss the sweet spot between her eyes to wake her. Kind, always kind baby blues she'd awoke to.
A long fingered bough interrupted her Mama's tender eyes and she spiraled further away from the picturesque painting living uncomfortably in the caverns of her heart. And so her outstretched hand struggled for the tall branch, molding her delicate fingers into claws to swipe the offensive, idle bough from the night. Her utopia was crackling at her fingertips, but only, if only she could tear the mangled little bough from her night sky. She whimpered when winter brushed against her cheeks, the loud whispers of the wind wiping loose strands from her flushed ears.
“Look...” they whispered. “Look, dear girl.”
The night circled, and circled around the lovely, little girl and yet she could not find the face of the night. Only the disenchanting silhouette of the night's body, guided by the fresh arousal of the moonlight was offered to hearten the dreams she screamed for.
“Mama,” she moaned, the sweltering sensation capturing her voice at the height of her words. “I...,” she felt her heartbeat hasten at the warmth beneath her skin. She felt it seep through her tinged skin and into her bones.
“I want to see the stars, Mama. But he...,” The heat screamed against her pink flesh, her dulled eyes catching fire with the storm of hot tears. “He won't let me see the stars. I want to see the stars! Let me see the stars!”
But, she wasn't allowed to see the stars. The stars happened to taunt, to beguile, to enrapture, to dazzle, to seduce! She was much too good for the stars. What she stirred in her magnificent meadow of wild weeds was more than fair, almost as fair as the faultless pall that sheathed her body.
She wanted to have it all, but no – they wouldn't let her.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Timmy here! :3
While I see quite a bit of lovely description almost more fitting prose and poems than a short story (or just a very flowery short), there is one thing in here which I think lacks. This piece is called a short story, yes? Where is the arc of the story? The beginning of the story, where we meet with the conflict. And then where we go through the journey of the character, and the carrying out of the conflict and trouble. And then the end, where everything is resolved - both in the character and conflict, whether for the bad or good. You have to have the complete arc, and the clear beginning and end. I am seeing flitting all over the place, like your beautiful descriptions, but no set story plot.
This is almost so far poetic that it belongs in the poetry/prose genre than short story. You know, prose has a story arc, too (or at least I was told. heehee). And this seems to be at least playing with that side of things, in some places the description and prose dominating the piece so much, I lose the idea of things in the pictures you're producing. That's good in the sense that I am getting a pretty picture, but not so great in that I am lost in your story. Sentences such as Only the disenchanting silhouette of the night's body made me go "Whaaa?" Rather than swooning over your beautiful words. Because, really, taking those words out of context and looking at them just as they stand, the sentence I pulled out looks as though it was taken straight from a poem. Which can be fine. But make sure your story's plot shines through and is easy to follow amidst the description.
The one other thing I am having trouble understanding are the places of the other two characters you're mentioning in this piece - the grandpa and the mother. While I go through, you have actions of the grandpa talking to the... grass? And then her mother kissing her awake. And all that is lovely, and very pretty, but it led me to confusion because they seemed to disappear after that. But they had been just there, doing things. And I admit I was really confused there. I liked what they did, what they were doing, because it seemed to be something which was very character-building in my head. But I was very confused as to where they ran off to. Perhaps they're just a vision in her mind? I am just very lost right there. Perhaps some explanation for my hopeless self if it is obvious to all others except for me? Sometimes I can get quite hopeless when interpreting things. ^.^
technical: no comma necessary after circled
I am struggling to discover who the antagonist in this short story actually is. Sometimes I think it's the night, and other times I find myself thinking that, since she wanted to see the night, that it's the only guy you mentioned in the entire piece - the grandfather - which isn't allowing her to see the stars. But I am mostly not seeing who he really is. >.<
Don't meadows have, you know, grass? Not weeds as much?
So I think my only issues with this piece is the over-done descriptions, using very wordy words that are, while very original, so odd that they seem out of place. But the biggest deal with me is that I don't see a full story arc, and that is very necessary to the success of a short story. Any story needs to have a fully arc, a beginning and an end - no matter how long they are. I think with a bit of editing, this piece can come to full potential. Your writing is very lovely, though. And I could pull out words and phrases you used throughout this piece for a long while, because there are quite a few beautiful parts throughout. All this needs is a bit of editing, and it will be even better. :3
Welcome to YWS. I hope you stick around.
~Darth Timmyjake
Beautifully written as I would say. I don't see errors, spelling or grammar but there's something I want to address. Although you've made this story rich and full of detail it seems like it's too much detail so to speak. Sometimes it's to the point I need to probably reread it or use a dictionary, my only suggestion is to maybe tune it down a notch and write in a more simpler method. This story had no faults that I could see whatsoever in spelling or grammar, awesome job and keep writing!
Hi, LogicAndObjections!
I'd like to thank you for reading my writing and reviewing!
I can see I've made some errors in the deliverance of my details, and I thank you for helping me!
Your very welcome! I hope to see some other works you have!
Hi, steampowered here for a review!
You have a skilled command of the English language, and you have some nice turns of phrase here, such as “her utopia was cracking at her fingertips.” However, I thought it was a little overdone in some places, to the extent where I couldn’t quite understand what was happening towards the end. For example, I wasn’t sure what sentences like this meant:
“What she stirred in her magnificent meadow of wild weeds was more than fair, almost as fair as the faultless pall that sheathed her body.”
It’s poetic, but it takes quite a few reads to work out the meaning (and even then I wasn’t completely sure) Perhaps you could phrase some of the sentences (like this one) more simply, and just leave a few complex ones (such as that lovely sentence about the utopia) for extra effect?
I don’t really have many criticisms for this story; it was nicely written, and I only noticed one small error, which is when you have three dots (an ellipsis) after a sentence:
“Look...,” they whispered.
You don’t need to have a comma after the ellipsis. The ellipsis take the place of a comma. So you can remove the comma and have simply “Look…” they whispered.
Apart from that I thought this was a great first impression of your writing ability, and hopefully I didn’t just discourage you!
Hello, steampowered!
I am really glad that you've reviewed my story and helped me see a different perspective of my writing. I see that I need some help in my phrasing (it's no mistake), and I'm happy for your help.
Thank you a lot, and I'm sure to write with your input in mind.
Hello there! Welcome to YWS! Flite here for a review.
So, you have a lot of good descriptions here, but some of it's overtly flowery and ends up being purple prose. If you don't know what that is here is an article that explains what it is and why you should avoid it.
The green parts are where the purple prose is, that being said, yours isn't overtly purple. But I do think most of the descriptions there is far too flowery to actually get the message through. Put it under close examination, they're all very overused descriptions. 'sun-kissed', 'humid heat and daydream' is often linked together. The description about the grandfather was so adorned with adjectives I wasn't even sure what he was doing.
Instead of clogging up the story with ornate adjectives, I think the message would have a better impact if you tried for simpler language with your twist in it. Namely, metaphors. Metaphors are a great literary device as they incorporate both the author's imagination and serves as platform to convey your message. Not only so, metaphors are incredibly powerful.
Consider this the next time you write. I would also like to point out some word choices there. The mother 'fondled' the hair, I'm not sure fondled here is such a good idea as the word fondle is usually greeted within the vicinity of sexual content. I would use another word that conveys maternal warmth.
In your second paragraph, the girl's hands turned into claws? I'm not sure why that was the case, unless you're implying that the girl is a different creature to us human beings. In any case, I don't see how that would make a difference to the story itself. Because that description was confusing. Your second paragraph and first paragraph didn't interrelate very well together, there is a big time jump between the two and no explanation to explain why the two connect together.
The rest of the story I think, is the gold of your story. The dialogue is believable and there is no redundant prose and it conveys your character's emotions strongly. I think instead of writing all the exposition before the dialogue, you should have continued the story after the dialogue instead. As your ending is unfinished and this is more like a half-finished chapter of a novella than a short story.
Overall, your writing isn't bad, in fact is above average in terms of vocabulary and phrasing. You just need to work on how you use those words and how to structure a short story effectively.
If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me.
-Flite
Hello, Flite!
I truly appreciate the time you took in reviewing my writing, and pointing out parts where I should review my sentences.
I clicked the link for the purple prose, and it's been a great help to dividing the line between obnoxious writing and nice prose for me. The website's awesome too, so I thank you for leading me to that!
All in all, I'm incorporating your critique into my method of writing and that your review was a mountain of help.
Thank you!
No problem, I'm glad I could help you. If you ever post anything else on YWS, give me a call, I'm happy to review it. ^^