Somebody said last night within my hearing
that I reeked of desperation,
ordinarily I'd get upset
but they correctly judged my situation.
I walk around with my heart
strategically placed on my sleeve,
yearning to be loved
but with no respite or reprieve.
Desperation must have a pungent smell
of a heart that is slowly dying,
infested by false expectations and wishes
but to yourself you keep on lying
that perhaps nobody will notice
perhaps they will not detect,
the pain you feel, the love you are craving,
the hidden agenda behind your defect.
The sun again rises another day comes
you pray that today you will find the soul,
love will no longer be unrequited
the bleeding will end, you can become whole.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Really good.
Well done this poem is very descriptive and emotional. I really enjoyed reading it. Very poetic. Well done and please keep writing.
C.C
Very nice!
You should be sure to capitalise the first word in every line.
If you're going to keep punctuation in your poem, that comma should be a period since it is the end of that current sentence.
At the end of the fourth line, you should do something to end that sentence and start your next sentence with the "perhaps nobody will notice" thought. Technically, it is a complete sentence and correct, but it's a bit too wordy for a sentence. Just change it if you feel like it's worth it. Also, change the comma after "detect" with either a colon to list the things that "they will not detect" or a period to just end the sentence.
Put a semicolon after "rises" to make it a compound sentence. Without it, it's a run-on.
Other than those small things (honestly, not many people would even notice, I don't think), this was very well written. Some could (and probably will...) argue that the "heart on the sleeve" thing is a bit overdone. But I wouldn't worry about it.
Great job