"Confessions From a Darker Soul"
HOPE IT'S LOST IN THE MESS
LOVE IT WON'T EVER BE THE SAME
KINDNESS NEVER TO SEE LIGHT
HAPPINESS TURNED TO DARKNESS
THE ONLY THINGS I SEE ARE,
HATE
HURT
SADDNESS
OH, SO MUCH SADDNESS
I WISH LIGHT WOULD COME BACK
WITH BRIGHTER DAYS AND THOUGHTS
THE THINGS I SEE NOW AREN'T THE SAME
AS BEFORE NO THE THINGS I SEE NOW ARE,
BLOOD
CUTS
PAIN
THE THINGS OF YESTERDAY WON'T RETURN
NO HOPE WHAT ARE WE TO DO
WITHOUT NO LOVE WHAT ARE WE TO FEEL
EVENTUALLY WE WILL JUST BECOME NOTHING
SMOTHERED IN OUT OWN MESS AND PAIN
WHO WILL HELP US? WHO WILL SHINE THAT BRIGHT LIGHT? WHO?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Destiny! I'm the BFG. I see you're new to YWS--welcome!
Before I get around to reviewing your poem, you should know that YWS tries to keep a 2:1 ratio with regard to reviews. This means that for every poem or story or whatever that you put up for other people to read, you should post at least two meaningful critiques of other people's work. That way everyone gets plenty of feedback, or so the story goes. Critiquing other people's stuff also helps you improve your own writing, I've found. It's a neat system.
Anyway, moving on to your poem. First, I was a little distracted by a couple of things. The all-caps was one. I felt like I was being screamed at, and it almost made me skip this poem over. I don't see a need for all-caps in this poem, and it's really distracting. If you put it in all-caps because you want it to sound more powerful, let your words do that. In a good poem they should be able to accomplish this on their own. Second, there were some misspellings that broke the flow as I was reading--'saddness' is the one that comes to mind, it should be 'sadness', with one 'd'. Spellcheck is easy to do, so why not do it? Don't put off potential readers/reviewers of your work with misspellings. That's not what you want people to focus on.
Ok, now for my suggestions. Ready? I'm not trying to be harsh here, understand, just help. On this site people show their interest and appreciation for something by reading it thoroughly and making insightful comments and suggestions about it. You are never obligated to incorporate those suggestions into your work, but you can if you like.
So, my first suggestion is to amend the grammar or lack thereof.
Punctuation is important, as it tells the reader how to read your poem. I'm a little comma-happy, and this may not be how you meant it to be read, but the way you had it before was nonsensical and monotonous, if read the way it was written.
Next up: concrete images. What I mean by that is real, tangible details that a person could sense. 'The clear scent of spruce', for example, or 'the birds still hopping on the tree'. Abstract concepts, in contrast, are things you can only conceive of in your mind. 'Truth' or 'happiness' or 'faith' are examples of abstractions. What does faith look like? Can you picture truth? Abstractions are much more difficult to think about, to juggle in your head. They're ok to use once in a while, but if you want to draw the reader into what you're writing, they should be used in conjunction with more concrete details. The reader should be able to feel what you write about, live it themselves, so to speak. If you're writing about winter, let them hear icicles break, feel the burn of the wind on their faces. Don't just say "it was cold" and let them do the rest. The work comes from the writer, not the reader. Detail is key--rather than 'he was tall', tell us how tall, like, 'he slouched, but had he not he would have been taller than the Christmas tree'.
There were some things I liked a lot about this poem. The way your passion for the subject radiated from the piece--I felt like I could hear you reading it. I liked the way you ended with a question. I also liked the light/dark imagery/metaphors. And there were some great verbs, like 'smothered'. Really nice.
Keep working on this piece. I can tell you're passionate about it, so don't give up on it. I'd love to see a revised version. And keep writing! I can't wait to read my by you!
Welcome again to YWS!
-BFG
Before we begin, you should know that writing in fully-capitalized phrases is anathema to any theme you could possibly have and aesthetically reminds the reader of a mindless shouting match. Don't over-do the capitalization as you've done here.
This entire section is a repetition of what you could have condensed in three simple words: "I am sad." That was it; no underlying motive, no delving message. It is acceptable in some cases to have such a short theme, but when you prolong its delivery for thirteen lines, you've gone too far. Actually, you've gone too far when you reach two lines of the same message. Each line didn't even present its own image to the world; instead, it was a bare statement, lain out without any adoration. Once more, this can also be acceptable, but when you force it into the reader's eyes multiple times, the sheen fades. That's what's happened to this section and I didn't feel emotions; I felt cardboard.
Cutting is getting old and cliched. That, and the fact that the context you've used it in leaves no room for the reader's mind to move about in what should be at least slightly his own interpretation of events, destroys this part. Replace cut with something - anything - else and instead of using non-descriptive words like "pain", find words that will trigger some kind of animal response in the reader's mind. Often, it cannot be done in one word as you've tried to do here.
You just said this in the beginning. Delete it.
The ending was too dependent, too reliant on crutches of the mind to hold on its own. There really is no point emphasizing "who" will come and save you. Instead, emphasize why, and how.