Scared to Whisper

by mybrokenreality

  • Poetry
  • Other

Published April 2, 2011

Good day all. This poem I wrote recently during a fit of rage. Well, moreso annoyance and distress than rage actually. But nevertheless, out of every bad moment, I find a way to write something. Its nice knowing I have an automatic escape from reality when it gets unbearable. Anywho, CRITISIZE ME! I've come to be able to take constructive critisim much better than I used to. I hope you enjoy the poem!


Scared to Whisper

There are so many things I want to scream,
But I'm too scared to whisper a word.
Everything I need to tell you, dangles on the tip of my tongue.
People tell me they're just words, it won't hurt to speak them.
Thats a lie...words are the strongest thing we've got.
Telling someone something can save them,
Not telling someone something could destroy them.
My dilema is whether or not I should tell you,
I'm afraid that I'll lose you either way.
All that occupies my life has become silent,
Yet there hasn't been a quiet moment.
You're a constant tune playing in my mind,
I'm so used to it, I can't even imagine my mind without it,
But when I tell you that, I'm deemed a lier.
If only you could hear what's in my head.
If only you could read my thoughts.
You could see the fear that clings to my heart,
All the words you need to hear,
Every word that should be screamed.
You'd see everything.
Because even though I know you need to hear it,
I'm still too scared to whisper.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
eldEr
Review
eldEr wrote a review Review · May 1, 2011

Hi Broken Reality! Here to review. ^^

First of all, there were things that I liked about this poem, and then things that I wasn't all that fond of. I'll start with what I did like, though, because that's always nice.

You didn't seem to have a lot of it, but there was a bit of nice imagery here - and I just wanted to quickly point out my favorite lines to show you what I mean:

All that occupies my life has become silent,
Yet there hasn't been a quiet moment.


I really liked those two lines for some strange reason. I'm not quite sure why, as silence and loudness as a contradiction seems to be becoming a bit of a cliche, but. There was genuinely something that I liked about these two lines - maybe it was the way they flowed together, they way they sounded or it could just be that they're arranged in a different sort of way. I loved those two lines.

I'm still too scared to whisper.


Your last line is something I really wanted to talk to you about for one reason: It's simple and powerful all in one. It made an impact - it wasn't just a dry ending. Not in my opinion anyways. Half of the poems that I read are ruined because their beginning just doesn't seem to fit or do the rest of the poem justice - here it was quite the opposite.

Which brings me to the negative bit of this poem.

Unlike your ending (and those two lines I pointed out earlier), this poem seems extremely dry and... well, it's lacking something huge. This is probably imagery - you tell us exactly what's happening and what you're feeling. A huge rule in poetry is show, don't tell. Take the emotions you have portrayed here, and rather than telling us about them and about your fear and what's going on - show us. Use imagery to convey your message - because that's more or less what a reader is looking for.

The poem could be good - it's a decent topic if done right (meaning if you use fresh imagery for a topic that somewhat widely-used, you can still have a very good poem going for you.)

Just remember, imagery is key. ;) Loved the ending, though.

Keeping writing,
~~Ish.

User avatar
Silver
Review
Silver wrote a review Review · Apr 2, 2011

I've never critiqued poetry before; you're my first try! xD Here it goes:

I really like what you are trying to say with your poem. You do say it nicely too, but it isn't my favorite style. I can't really pick up on any rhythm.

Scared to Whisper

There are so many things I want to scream,
But I'm too scared to whisper maybe say 'say' instead of whisper? a word.
Everything I need to tell you, no comma unless you want to add 'it'dangles on the tip of my tongue.
People tell me they're just wordsand it won't hurt to speak them.
That's a lie...Paragraph break here
Words are the strongest thing we've got.
Telling someone something can save them, Something in this line and the next doesn't seem right. Condense them; try something like 'Words can save someone or destroy them'
Not telling someone something could destroy them.
My dilema is whether or not I should tell you, "Should I tell you, should I not?"
I'm afraid that I'll lose you either way. "Will I lose you either way?"
All that occupies my life has become silent,
Yet there hasn't been a quiet moment. I like this line
You're a constant tune playing in my mind,And this one too
I'm so used to it, I can't even imagine my mind without it,"I'm so used to it that I can't imagine my mind without it"
But when I tell you that, I'm deemed a liar. "But when I tell you that, you call me a liar."
If only you could hear what's in my head.
If only you could read my thoughts.
You could see the fear that clings to my heart,
All the words you need to hear,
Every word that should be screamed.
You'd see everything.
Because even though I know you need to hear it, "And even though you need to hear it"
I'm still too scared to whisper. <3 line


In all, very good. These are just suggestions that you can think about. Keep writing! :)

User avatar
GiggleGremlin
Review
GiggleGremlin wrote a review Review · Apr 2, 2011

Yeah I liked your poem!!!! :) Its not a style I would usually read but I could really relate to it and I like your ending line "I'm still too scared to whisper." its so dramatic :D This is a great poem!! I hope youll keep writing :)



Born to read. Forced to work.
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