As the night fell over the county, so did the rain. I ran to the secret house I had built while the rain decided to be a torrent. Finally reaching it, I saw two others, the twins, standing in front of the door.
“Late,” Tanya said, and I sighed.
“Sorry, boss was being a arse,” I said, making my keys jingle.
“But Tyler, you complain about him all the time. Why don’t you just, ya’know... zap him?” Trevor asked as I fumbled with the keys.
“Because I can control myself, and powers aren’t for hurting people.”
The twins were still a bit new to the cocept of superhero-ism, but that’s why I was here. I ran a secret superhero “support” group that only few know about. But it was fun helping them learn about their powers. As I finally got the key in the door, a noise made my ear prick up, so to speak.
“Who’s there?” I asked, louder than I inteneded. No one answered me, but I saw a young girl in the tree closest to me. “You can come down from there, you know.”
“Who you talking to?” Larissa asked, coming around the tree and scaring the shit out of me. I looked up, but the girl was gone.
“Nothing, I mean no one.” I said, finally conviced I was going crazy.
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“TYLER JAMERSON!” my boss, Mr. Oz, yelled snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Yes sir?” I muttered.
“Why is there smudge on the counter?” he asked, motioning to my elbow on the counter I was leaning on.
“Sorry sir,” I replied through gritted teeth, hating him standing there. I started to polish the spot when I sasw a customer walk in.
“Hi, can I have a pastrami on wheat, no pickle, and mustard on the side?” She asked softly, with a voice like an angel. I was a bit bummed that her face was shadowed by a hood though.
“Ye-yes you can,” I stammered, kicking myself under the table. She smiled as I gave her order to Chris. Just then, these two burly guys slinked through the door, coming in from the night.
“May I help you?” I asked, as nicely as I could. They just laughed, and looked around. As soon as they saw the pasrami girl though, their mood instanly shifted.
“Where do you think you’re going?” one of them asked, gruffly, as the other one grabbed her arm. She, surprisingly, reacted by kicking him hard in the balls. While the one was wailing on the ground, the other pulled out a knife from his pocket. She lashed out even harder, but got her shoulder snagged on the knife. As she struggled, her hood fell off and I gasped. It was tree girl, the one I saw the other night. I stood up and made a quick decision. Tapping the Knife guy on the shoulder, I summoned up all my courage. He spun around I hit him with all my might. The other guy noticed and was about to puch me, so I made him taste lightning. The girl was just staring at me and I sighed, frustrated.
“RUN!” I shouted, pinning one guy down with my arm. She took my instructions to heart and sprinted out the door, making both guys yell at me. Just then I heard sirens from a couple blocks away. I sighed as police flooded the resturant. Releasing the guy I had pinned on the ground, I grabbed my things.
“Where do you think your going?” Mr. Oz inquired and I smiled.
“End of my shift,” I replied, ready to race off to my secret life.
After giving my statment to the police, I ran to the house. I got the keys and opened the door to start getting ready for the meeting. After a few minuts though, there was a knocking at the door. Curiously, but cautiously, I cracked the door, and lo and behold, it was the mysterious tree girl.
“Can I come in?” she asked sofly. I smiled.
“Yeah come on inside.” She walked in and I gasped. Her arm was bleeding really badly. “Here, let me help you with that,” I said, pointing to her arm.
“Thanks. You know, I never got that sandwich,” She said, smiling. I laughed, reaching into my backpack. I felt my hand hit something and I pulled out a styrofoam box with a note.
Put this in your bag. Figured you knew her from the way you kicked arse.
Keep out of trouble.
-Chris
I reached in my bag again and found the bandages. Waking over to her, I gave her the sandwich and started helping her with her arm.
“So, why were you getting chased by those two guys anyways?” I asked and she winced.
“They’re after me for my powers.”
“What?!” I almost choked on my spit.
“They’re hitmen for a science group making their living off of fighting super-powered teenagers.”
“That’s..” I started.
“Impossible,” Larissa chimed in, finishing my sentence, and scaring the crap out of me.
“Mind reader?” Tree girl asked, calmly eating.
“No, I just know Ty well,” Larissa replied.
“So anyway, what’s your name?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“Well, my super-hero handle is Masked Bandit, but my real name is Monica,” Monica replied. I smiled for no reason, and she beemed back at me.
“Oh cool, a new recruit!” Trevor shouted, smaking the door open.
“No, she’s..”
“I’m here for the group,” she said, trussling Trevor’s hair. “Let me guess, shapeshifter?”
“Wow! How did you know?”
“Where’s Tanya?” I asked, looking around.
“I don’t know,” Trevor happy resolve dropped, and I started to get concerned. Was she trapped in those horrible fights?
“Sorry I’m late,” Tanya said, running in the door, releasing the preassure on my mind. “My friend wouldn’t stop talking.”
“Well at least your here now,” We all said together.
“So, who’s the chick?” Tanya asked, totally disregarding the stress she had caused me.
“Monica, Tanya. Tanya, Monica.” I said, keeping the introductions short.
“Nice to meet you,” Monica said and Tanya smiled.
“My pleasure,” Tanya replied.
“So, I heard that another teen got kidnapped again,” Larissa said, and we all gasped.
“But that’s the third one this week!” Trevor squeaked.
“They must be planning something,” Monica muttered.
“Like what?” I asked out loud as everyone calmed down.
“How am I supposed to know? Maybe making an army, or going public with the fights. As I said, I really can’t say because I have been on the run from them for a while,” Monica said calmly.
“So why are you runnung again?” Trevor asked and she sighed.
“I’m on the run because I am the only one who has escaped the fights.” She said. “That’s why they fight so hard when they see me.”
“That also explains why those guys were so P’Oed when I attacked them as well.” I mused.
“Wait, what?” Larissa asked as the twins just sat and gaped.
“They attacked me at the deli. Tyler was just trying to help me.” Monica said and filled them in on what happened.
“Every one of you just needs to be more careful,” I said after she finished her story.
“Right,” they all said, carfully.
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After using the keys for the apartment I shared with my friend, Victor, I saw the usual mess our house had to offer. I threw my stuff on the ground and ran to the kitchen. Just then I saw the note on the door of the fridge.
Ty,
Going to Veronica’s house. ‘Bout to get it on!
Victor.
I grabbed the hummus out of the fridge just as there was a call for help outside my door. Walking tword the door, I paused. Be careful I reminded myself. I looked out the peephole, but no one was there. Stuffing the sandwich in my mouth, I opened the door. I heard the calls shift to down the hall and I stopped. Why would someone be running from help? I shook it off as me being parinoid again, and walked down the hall. I found the girl in the bushes by the elavators and tapped her on the shoulder.
“Are you here to help me?” She asked softly, her eyes pleading with me. I nodded and she gave me a weak smile. just then I heard a click of a gun behind me. I looked behind me and saw one of the guys from the deli. Turning back to the girl, my jaws dropped (Making me stain my work uniform with hummus.) She had a gun pointed at my chest and she wasn’t crying.
“Walk,” she snapped, and I complied. We walked outside and tword a black SUV.
“Get in,” The girl snapped. The guy behind me shoved me hard and I tumbled into the car.
“Where exactly are we going?” I asked the girl.
“That’s for me to know and you to find out,” she snapped as the car started up. After thirteen minutes the car pulled up to what looked like an abandoned warehouse.
“Out,” the girl snapped, so I did. One of the goons grabbed me by the arm. Well there goes that idea I tought to myself as the other goon blindfolded me.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because,” She replied as the goon pushed me forward. After guiding me for a while, the goon knocked a door and the girl called out “Daddy I’m home!”
“Pumpkin!” He called back and I gagged.
“Can I get this thing off my face now?” I snapped. The blindfold was yanked off my face, and it took me a minute to be able see again, but what I saw was scary. A tall man with a labcoat was staring me down and I gulped.
“P-people will start looking for me,” I muttered and the scientist guy laughed.
“No they won’t. Sugar here allows people to go missing unnoticed. At least for a little bit anyway.”
“So what are you going to do to me, kill me?”
“You wish,” Sugar said, getting snarky.
“How well do you fight?” The scientist asked, glaring at the girl.
“I don’t know. Why don’t you ask your goon?” I snapped back. He just laughed and did a wierd motion with his hand. After being forced back into the blindfold, I was prodded away and after a few minutes of walking, forced into a cell.
“Fuck,” I said after everyone had left.
“You said it man,” A voice said out of nowhere and I noticed the rom was full of teenagers like me. The guy next to me was looking at me with a smile.
“What is this place?” I asked.
“No one has a name for this place,” A girl across the hall said, “but basically they choose two people to fight to the death.”
“Wait, these are the fights?” I asked.
“I guess, if you want to call it that.”
“I need to get out of here,” I said quickly.
“You and me both,” The guy said, “but only one person has ever gotten out.”
“And they hightened security after she left,” the girl said.
“I know, I’ve met her.”
“Shhh here they come, “ Shomeone stage whispered and evryone fell quite. I was angry. Actually I was pissed. I conjored a plasma ball for my captor and touched the metal bars.
“Hey arses!” I shouted and they came over. Instead of saying anything, I grabbed his shirt and slamed his face onto the elecricity filled pole.
“AHHH!” He screamed as he fell to the ground, twiching. The other kids were staring, gaping.
“Oops, sorry,” I said, unapologetically. I walked to the back of my cell and sat down, fuming.
“Holy crap!” The guy next to me said after a while.
“Sorry. Between getting kidnapped, and loosing my team, I’m kind of..... you know,” I said, calming down.
“Yeah we know.”
“So what’s your name?” I asked the guy, and he smiled.
“My name’s Jaden. Yours?”
“Tyler.”
“So you’ve met Masked?”
“Yeah,” I said, taken aback a little. “You know her?”
“I was here when she escaped,” he said, ”She’s always been a bit of a loose cannon.”
“Yeah I noticed,” I said. Jaden started tto say something, but stopped as another guy walked in. Ignoring the guy on the guy on the ground, He opened my cell and grabbed me by the arm.
“You’re coming with me,” he snapped, pulling me behind him. He pulled me along into a giant arena-like area surounded by people. Standing in the center was another girl, a vicious smile the only sign of emotion on her face.
“Prepare to fight,” someone called out from the crowd.
“Wait what?” I asked right before she charged me. I sidestepped her and slammed my elbow into her back. She hit the ground witth a sickining thud. She got up quickly and threw a punch at my face. I grabbed her wrist and threw it down. By now the group surrounding us was cheering loudly.
“I’m not going to kill you,” I said to her over the crowd.
“Well I’ll kill you. I’ve killed twenty others before you, and one more is a price I’ll pay.” She replied, sneering. Before I could reply, a black shadow came crashing down. Pulling out two swords from nowhere, I figured out who it was.
“Monic-Masked!”
“First left aftger leaving, keys on top of the door,” she said, “Go save the others.” I ran off and found the keys right where she said they would be. I stumbled to the cells and Jade started calling me.
“What are you doing?”
“Masked’s back,” I replied, trying all the keys until I found one that worked.
“Give me those, You need to help her,” he said, grabbing the keys from me. I ran back to the arena and saw what can only be described as hell on earth. Monica had knocked the girl out and had swiched her swords for guns.
“Everyone stand down,” She yelld and I winced, and then for the second time of the day, I heard sirens. The police swarmed in and everyone was aressted in a few minutes.
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“So tell me how you knew where to find me?” I asked leaning against the wall. It was a few weeks later, and my group of five had been joind by Jade and Trisha, the girl in the cell across the hall.
“I have a super sense of smell. As soon as I smelled Sugar, I knew you where in trouble,” she replied.
“Well it was good that you came when you did,”Jade said and we all laughed. That was when I realized that we’re all in this together. That’s when I realized what I wanted to do.
“Why don’t we make a crimefighting team? Like the Justice League or the Avengers?”
“That is the best idea you’ve had in a while!” Larissa said.
“So We agree?”
“Yes!” everyone shouted.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Heya, mvb. Time for a quick review.

I'm not going to beat around the bush telling you everything that's already been said - I'm sure that you know by now that you need to proof-read and spell-check your work - so I'm just going to get to the point concerning the plot and the characters and all that jazz, and give you my verdict on that. So, here goes:
Firstly, pacing. LemonyIce seems to have touched on this, but the story really moves way too quickly - you need to flesh it out a bit and savour the moments, because otherwise it just strips the story of all the suspense it has managed to mount up. Don't get me wrong, some fast-paced action can add a lot of excitement, but that's different to rushing it - towards the end, I had virtually no idea what was going on, and it really did feel like you'd just lost patience and wanted to get it finished.
Secondly, your characters. I don't feel much emotional attachment to any of them, and again I feel this is to do with the pacing, or, more specifically, the way you use your time. You don't give us any real insight to Ty, nor to Monica or Tanya or any of them, so I don't feel obliged to care about them. How can I enjoy a story when I don't give two hoots about those in it? That's why I think it's better to have less characters in short stories; it allows you to hone in on them and make the reader connect with them. This characterisation problem is one of the reasons why I think this would work better as a novel or a novella - it's too complex an idea for the format it's in.
Thirdly, there's the plot. It feels...well, it does have potential, I'm not knocking that. I'm a sucker for superhero stuff, but it didn't feel too original in places - this kind of plot feels like a warped version of X-men, and I think you need to work on strengthening it and making it your own. It was kind of hard to follow in places, so sometimes the plot and happenings weren't apparent to me, and, again, you need to rectify that. Never underestimate the use of description - you tend to layer up speech upon speech and rarely have time for anything else, and I really think that one or two descriptive paragraphs could make your story a lot easier to understand, and thus stronger. It's hard to tell what's going on when there's barely anything but dialogue.
Anyway, hope I helped, and that I wasn't too harsh. PM me if you have any questions.
Keep writing!
~Dark
Hey Mvb! I'll be your reviewer for today~
First off, I had a slight problem with the spacing. When I first opened this, it just looked like one huge block of text. Try separating the paragraphs a little more.
Now, the story. I really like the plot. It's interesting, and it drew me in as I continued reading it. But everything seemed to be happening a little too fast. I couldn't really follow it very well. Slow the story down a bit. Give the reader time to absorb what is happening.
Nitpicks~
When you say twins, it naturally means two people. You don't need to mention it here. What you do need to mention, however, are their names.
"Making my keys jingle" doesn't sound right here, and actually just seems unnecessary.
Describing their "secret house" as a shack seems quite appropriate, don't you think?
What kind of noise? Was it a rustling in the bushes, or the leaves in the trees? Describe it. Show the reader what kind of noise it is, don't just tell them.
"In the tree" isn't right. If it was bushes, it probably would be. But you can't just say someone was "in a tree". They could have been sitting on a branch in a tree, or standing behind a tree, but they couldn't have been inside a tree.
Most would prefer the term groin, but I suppose that depends on you.
Okay, now here:
So the police see the MC pinning a guy to the ground, and when he releases him they just ask for a statement? Usually, both would get into trouble. Unless the police know who the bad guy is, and if that's the case, you should mention it.
You had a lot more typos than the ones I marked up there, so I'd suggest reading through the entire story once again.
Work on it a little more, and maybe try to write it as a novel, because this is a very good plot. Oh, and you might want to rate it.
Keep Writing!
~Lemony