Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Dolores and I ride down the river
For a long, sticky weekend or two
Stop to gas up near the border
Little man, tight boots and big teeth
Leans against the pump and asks
“Little lady preg-unt yet?”
Dolores does her lipstick
Ruby red like Louise Brooks
If they’d made her in color
Parts her blouse for the sheriff’s view
When I’m busy buying her an ice cream
Icy cool on a hot, hot, hot summer’s day
Kiss her, lashes down, knees on the wheel
Sunset‘s pink like a little girl’s slippers
But it fits Dolores like a dream
Hotel clerk gives me some funny look
“Say, didn’t we meet last summer
At that party in San Trope?”
“Never been to San Trope”
“You’d love it there,” he whispers
And slides me – two keys.
She spreads the money on the bed
And sheds the miniskirt
Those spiky orange heels never come off
They say drink before, smoke after
We drink and smoke before
Drink and smoke after
Little gal has a nightmare, again
Her poppa spanks her till she bleeds
On her momma’s big china saucer
“Love me always?” she coos
“Till pigs fly and roaches die”
She thinks roaches fly, and pigs die
We sway to Nat King Cole
He sings and we swing – mighty fine
In and out and close together now
Her back’s done bent itself in two
The lipstick’s smudged
Louise Brooks never looked so smart
Don’t think to muzzle it
Desert’s orchestra – bang, pow
A rat-rat-rat-rattles-u-nake
Drop the clerk’s key right in the light
Why close the door? Coyotes hungry
Take the money that ain’t stained
Drive up the river, think of San Trope
Sunset’s pink like a little girl’s shoes
Too tight to walk – you’ll just have to dance
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi!
I really enjoyed this piece and how it painted a great picture! Kind of like The Great Gatsby, if you will? Sort of a jazzy feel with a broken past and a bit of heartache right?
But anyway, I can't say I have much to critique. I just think the work is beautiful. It's descriptive, imaginative, and you can really hear the narrator's voice. I'd love to see more poems in this format and voice. It's just so unique and different, and I agree with the others that this could make a great story!
Your writing is superb and the metaphors and repetition are great. I honestly can't wait to see more from you because this piece is amazing!
Much thanks for the review! If you'd like to check out more of my writing, I recently wrote a (longer) short story called The Last Apple Tree.
Hello!
Emilykay10144 here...
I like this poem. It gets confusing a little bit, but it makes me think about the back story.
I love how you could use so many things in the poem to open it up in a story. It gets the reader to think of the real point of this poem.
I love the line,
It shows the MC's undying love for this girl and I love love. Haha.
This is a really great poem and you should consider on writing a story out of this. Just a suggestion...
Keep up the great work!
-Emilykay10144
Thanks for the review! I got the idea for a story, but I only had a few images. Perhaps later I'll expand it.
Make this into a song. #onehitwonder
This story is kind of confusing, but I caught your drift in it. Good poem. You could really put yourself in the mood. But maybe you could clear some of the ideas up a little. Just for the people who cannot keep up with it.