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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Music,
simply throwing ideas though). If the sun is to symbolize hope, then I'm to take that the hopeless give up/die. Bleak. Yet! What a beautiful way with words you have! ^-^
Welcome to YWS! Your first poem posted on here, and you say it's from an English class? I would love to see more from you, this I enjoyed very much. It's simple/straightforward, but there is this water-color image in my head, and the simplicity is crisp.
Your command of pacing and the narrative/story telling was almost mystifying -- almost like I'm a child tucked into bed about to hear a story. The tone I felt had a hint of wonder, but mostly sadness and that dejected hopelessness, which I suppose is expected.
I got the sense that this was the journey of a girl chasing the sun, which has this vague reminiscence of Icarus, it would be nice to sort of play on that a bit more, maybe a change of title? (Icara/Ikare is the female form of Icarus
Now, as for improvement.
I see what you're doing here with your breaks, but in this case it's too heavy handed/obvious. A word by itself will always stick out.
Always.
Fell strikes at you like a hammer, when it shouldn't. The sun doesn't just drop from the sky like a bowling ball, the sun falls ~gradually~
I appreciate your experimenting with various techniques though. I also like how you play with the "sun falling" almost comparing them to shooting stars, as we know - the sun /is/ a star -- and the wishing/hoping thing is paramount to this little girl with the torn dress...
But question -- did you notice that the pattern for this poem goes: complete sentence. fragment. complete sentence. fragment. and on and on for each of the stanzas? Okay, maybe not all the way through, but still. EWW. Use your fragments sparingly, and only for important lines, or else it'll sound choppy. I'm fine with the darkness enveloping the stars as a fragment. But I'm not fine with:
I'd either scratch out "Where" or I'd put a comma at the end of the previous line and uncapitalize "Where" -- keep in mind that a sentence CAN extend into the next stanza. If you have any questions about this, let me know.
That being said -- that little break between the following and the forest -- I love that, I just love the effect of that. By not revealing anything, you've revealed the tediousness and length of the journey to the forest.
Is this where she's started? It's not really clear. Perhaps some allusion to the water somewhere in the beginning?
I understand the whole death/afterlife, turning into stars thing -- which seems to undercut the whole journey of the piece, I think. Because, there is no hope. And yet, all of a sudden, there's hope in the last two lines -- she'd be fine, she'd be among the stars! so I can understand how the ending might bother you. My only suggestion, if you don't want to squeeze more juice out of the fruit is to cut the stump. End it when she falls to her bed.
The use of "fell" mirrors the sun falling anyway, so it's a lot more subtle, ambiguous thing that what you've got, but still the same idea P: Hope it helps any.
~ as always, Audy
Hulllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! GUineapiggirl here to revieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew! Oh, but first, welcome to YWS!
Nice little poem here. I'm not quite sure what it was about (I'm pretty sure it's not what the other reviewer said?) but you had some lovely imagery.
I would agree about the ending. It feels a bit... over dramatic? Forced? Especially the last verse. A simple solution would be to just cut the last verse entirely!
And end it on 'she watched as bubbles turned into stars.'
Lovely.
A few other things to nitpick at:
"The trees stared in saddened silence..."
I don't like dot dot dots in poems as a rule. Also, it just doesn't make sense here. Just have the trees stared i nsaddened silence
as she fell to her bed.
That would work excellently.
"the loney stars"
Just a little typo there, I think. Should be lonely, but I'm pretty sure you know that.
I really loved the first half of this poem, before the //
After that the grammar at the end of your lines and the whole flow was just not quite on.
You did the grammar perfectly for the first half. After that... not so much.
Basically, if written out in prose form without enters between every line, a poem should read just like normal sentences. You've got a few full stops or commas or semi colons where you should have one of the others or nothing. I'll let you look through that but if you want more detailed stuff on that then just send me a message.
OK. My favourite verses:
She watched
as the dying sun
fell
from the sky
Dragging her tainted
torn
dress behind her,
She followed the sun.
She came to a forest.
Where branches and twigs
clawed at her skin
and clung
to her dress.
She watched as
bubbles
turned into stars:
I think that htese are some really beautiful, poetical verses. I think that the rest of them aren't quite up to the same standard, so you might want to look at that and tweak them. But, overall, great job!
I'll look out for more of your work, or you can send me a message if you ever want another review.
Oh, this is a really sad poem. You say you want us to focus on the ending in the review, because you dislike it. Hmmmmmmm, what can I say about it... If you dislike the ending, why did you write it that way? As far as I've been able to notice, she was raped and decided to commit suicide. You say you dislike the ending. What actually do you dislike about it? The fact that she commits suicide, or the vocabulary you chose to describe it? If you don't like her committing suicide, well that's easy, just change the ending... if it's not that, if you really wanted a tragic ending, it's well done. Honestly, I never like tragic endings. But other than that, the poem is really well done. But now I'm curious, what is it that you actually dislike about your poem?