Young Writers Society

Hey, musicgirl! Time for me to review!

Before beginning, I like how you kept it to three haiku, as it is much shorter this way. Not only that, you informed us with big letters as the title that this was a trio of haiku, so it might not rhyme or flow very well.

However,

very clear and white
snow is blowing as it walks
polar bear arrives

there a dark shadow
a bright light surrounding it
a solar eclipse

thunder and lightning
loud sounds ringing in your ear
the storm is now here

hi friend. i liked the haikus and thus i landed here to review your pieces.
you have amazingly described the nature in your haikus. i don't think they are related.are they?
any way,i think you have correctly followed the syllable rule of writing haikus and i appreciate it a lot as many (including me) feel it quite difficult to follow it.
I suggest you to use some punctuation marks too. It would make it more meaningful and enhance its beauty.
but i must say that each haiku compelled me to read the next one . so i would advice you to keep on writing better and better haikus each time and submitting it to YWS so that people like me can enjoy them and review them.
so keep writing wonderful pieces as this one and be happy.
regard,
penstrength.

Hello! I really like the Haiku format, it's such a good choice!

Okay so I am going to take these one at a time as I don't think you meant for them to be connected. I like the first one, but I was confused a while by the it walks as I thought you meant the snow and I thought that was a really cool use of personification, though a little odd after already saying it was blowing. But the last line made me realise it was the polar bear. It's tricky though, using it before you've defined what it might be.

The second is also good! This one is clearer and doesn't make me confused, but I think your wording could be stronger and a smoother transition between your first and second lines. Maybe: 'a dark shadow sits/ surrounded in a bright light:' would work?

Oh a storm Haiku! I think I like this one less as I've seen the storm used in poetry more often than polar bears or the solar eclipse, so those were more interesting to me. I also found the rhyme a little disconcerting as I'm not used to seeing that in a Haiku, but I liked your use of 'ringing'. That's a good word. Very onomatopoeic. Maybe you could make the storm more interesting by describing it like it's a monster? Or, more unusually, like it's someone's salvation? As if they are glad that the storm is here? I don't know how hard that would be in Haiku format though as you get so few words!

Keep writing!

Howdy. So I'm more of a fiction oriented kinda guy, but I like this poem so I wanted to review it.

Things I like:
It's very minimalist. Like a Charles Simic poem. It manages to create image and sound in as few words as possible. Granted this is probably just the result of writing a haiku, but it works.

It has a cool and steady rhythm, especially in the first stanza. It makes the reader/listener feel as if they are actually standing there in the snow.

It's short. That maybe unnerving coming from a writer but I like my poems and my stories to get their point across in as few words as possible. I think you achieved that here.


Things to work on:
Remember when I said I'm most fond of the rhythm in the first stanza? Well that's because the second stanza jacks it up completely. "There a dark shadow" My knee-jerk reaction to this line was to switch the words "dark" and "shadow" around so it reads "there, a shadow dark" It's still a haiku this way, but now it gets to keep its rhythm flowing like a river beneath the ice. I realize that with this change you may have no choice but to include punctuation when you revise this. But that's okay. In poetry, periods, comas, ellipses and so on give you a whole new arsenal of pauses.

Some of the words you chose seemed a little weak, cliched in some places. For example the words "thunder" and "lightning" should not appear together in the same stanza, probably not even in the same poem if you ask me. Pretty much the same goes for "bright" and "light". You're already asking a lot of your reader to accept the inclusion of a polar bear in a poem about snow.

The last two lines, I don't know if the rhyme was intentional, but I don't think it works. To me rhyme in poetry tends to be kind of cheesy and it can make more solemn poems seem comical. If you do include a rhyme in your poem it needs to be buried in the line breaks. But maybe that's just me.


All in all, it's a cool refreshing poem. Like eating an ice cube on an airplane. I hope this was helpful to you, feel free to ask me to elaborate or clarify anything.

And keep writing.